So this morning i completed my very last freshman year assignment. It felt amazing to finish something that im actually proud of. i went into overdrive this last week and produced almost 50 pages of writing along with research to make up for slacking off this quarter. at the moment i think ill get all A's and one B. its kind of hard to say, the B is the only class that actually depends on the final paper, hopefully he likes it. but honest, i dont really give a fuck@ cuz i got it done and i did what i could and it over :)
I realize its been a long time since i've posted there are multiple reasons for that. this quarter i didnt end up dropping any classes so i had a pretty intense work load along with all the hype form the documentary and all the traveling to perform i havent had much "fun' time at the computer, i doubt that will change this summer :( and im sure jenna had something to do with not posting just cuz i spent most of my free time with her.. ahah. i need more friends.
anyways, i didnt expect to feel kind of sad about the end of the year but i do. there are some really cool people graduating and honestly, i doubt ill ever see them again and that really upsets me. i dont think ill ever get used to saying goodbye to people. i just wish i had spent more time with them :(
hmmm but on a good note i come home thursday morning/afternoon. YAY
here are my plans for the summer so far:
M-F (prob from 9-5)
work full time with Kupu- teach and make 12 bucks and hour for being at north shore! what? haha yay
M-F (5-8)
Practice with the slam team.. i miss them but im not looking forward to our practices that run like 10 hours long.. haaha
M-F (9-12)
hang out with the homies :):):)
Sat:
BEACH. sleep. read. hang out
Sunday: church, beach, sleep, read.
im going on a few trips that are already planned and im sure a few more will pop up (hopefully)
1. July: CHicago for Brave New Voices
2. South America, Columbia :) in August i believe to perform
3. Big island- end of august to teach and perform and visit family
thats all for now
just some random updates:
1. after performing for obama at the whitehouse i was inited on tour which basically will let me stay in school and perform at the same time. each show pays 500$ plus flight and stay and food :) ill basically be traveling to different colleges throughout the year to perform for them :) im sooo excited, everything is kind of just blowing up in the best way possible and i never expected it. :)
2. im also going to try my best to get into a program that would have me study at GW (sommerset's school) next spring semester). so ill be working on that app. but if i get it, its a full ride + room and board and i'd be studying poli sci. the rest of yall should find a way to study in dc too.. with me and sommer :) didnt i once here aja talking about howard? or was that just you pretending you are balck???
anyways i love you all but its early and pretty outside so im gonna go do something dorky, like ready in the sun :)
i know you miss me cuz i miss you,
Jamaica
Friday, June 5, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
its been a while
Its been almost a month since my last post and a lot has happened since then. I realize the chance that anyone will actually read this whole thing is slim because of all the finals coming up so im gonna try my best to keep it short and separate it into to section so you can pick which parts of my life you wanted to be clued in on. but before i begin i want to let everyone know how much i miss you guys and cant wait to be home so we can all party in somersets garage because we all know thats wayyy cooler than chillin in the living rooom :P also sommers car is gone so we can all actually park :P
SCHOOL
I am doing okay in school, nothing amazing and nothing too bad, I HOPE. i only had two finals this quarter and the first one was monday morning at 830 and my last one is tomorrow at 7pm. Chances are im going to have one Pass, one A-, hopefully one B- and most likely a C in Sleep and Dreams. I really need to step up next quarter but its hard when you really dislike what you are taking. Hopefully i do better at picking interesting classes for the spring. Currently i am signed up for 31 units next quarter (which is illegal, 20 is the max) but i am going to start with all those classes for the first week and a half and then ill drop the ones that arent interesting. <<YAY for older girlfriends who are soo much smarter. Other than that i am planning on being back here next fall and im thinking about living with jenna just for fall quarter but that is also up in the air. i realize this is really soon so we still need to think about it and talk through it. but Jenna is going abroad in the winter so i want to spend as much time with her as possible. just in case you are interested i am signed up for:
1. Sociology 1
2. indigenous identity and Diaspora
3. linguistics 1
4. English 90 ( Creative Writing)- you basically leave the class with a solid 20 page story
5. IHUM: rebellious Daughters ( unfortunately i cant drop this one)
6. Gender and Sexuality in Schools
7.American Studies 202 (history of the American Families)
ill let you know what the final schedule ends up looking like. :)
FAMILY
Family is good, i think. I havent really gotten to talk to them much lately but ill be home in less than a moth so ill be able to spend a little time with the family then. I realized a few weeks ago that since i have been up here for winter quarter i havent talked to lehua once and so the past couple weeks ive been trying to get a hold of her. i finally got to talk to her on monday :) which was nice. Duncan keeps going back and forth being single and taken... tiana and duncan are the california version of sommerset and JT except tiana is the idiot :p. Halia has been dealing with the death of her best friend when she was 8 a lot more lately cuz she recently found out it was a murder suicide which is hard to deal with at any age but especially at her age.. as far as i know, mom and dad are both in good heath and still married. :) lol.
LOVE
this section is easy. JENNA!!!!! i love her very much. THINGS are great. not perfect but i like that. just an update: jenna will be in hawaii in april with me and hopefully again in august. im hoping to go to boston next winter break to hang out with her and her faimly, her mom invited me when i told her i had never seen snow. i think they really like me which is nice... except jennas parents arent happy thats shes skipping school to come to hawaii in april.. OOoPS.. anyways we have been only dating for about 6 weeks which is crazy when you think about how quickly everything has been moving. its nuts... but i love her. spring break is going to be hard cuz its 8 days without seeing each other which is the longest we have ever gone but it will make us stronger.
TRAVEL
I have traveled a lot this year. i just got back from Philly and im about to go to DC to hang out with Sommerset!!!! i cant wait its gonna be soo much fun. also i head home in april which you guys already know and then hopefully ill hit up hilo for a bit when i home tis summer. im also going to chicago for nationals :) that will be fun.
SLAM
i was recently in Philly for the national College poetry slam and that was interesting. i have been giving a lot of thought lately to retiring after this years youth nationals. im kinda getting tired of being scores and slam has become more of a job and chore than an actually activity. we'll see. Anyways college nationals is WAYYY to much drama for me and i dont think ill be back there again which makes me believe that adult nationals wont be that fun either. :( oh well i figure something out soon. in case you werent aware the reason ill be home in april is to try out again for the hawaii team to go to Chicago this summer to compete. this is my last year of eligibility and i wnat to go out with a bang :) and then after the summer ill evaluate if i want to continue doing what i have been doing.
HBO
the HBO doc starts april 5th at 11pm but ive already seen the first 5 episodes which were pretty good. im excited to see the rest cuz episode 6 & 7 are semifinals and finals which were definitely my favorite part of the festival :) if you dont have HBO you will be able to watch it online at the youthspeaks website. www.youthspeaks.org happy WATCHING :)
WORK/PLANS FOR THE SUMMER
i worked upwards of 20 hours a week this quarter and ill probably do the same next quarter. as for this summer ill be working for a few non-profits while getting paid by Stanford 12$/hr to basically help out the hawaiian community. this is a project im actually really excited for. ill have to work 40 hours a week but ill have my weekends to go to the beach and my nights to party with my friends. im excited :)
Anyways thats all for now, jenna is studying so i should study too. :)
i love you all and ill see u guys soon!!!!! :P
SCHOOL
I am doing okay in school, nothing amazing and nothing too bad, I HOPE. i only had two finals this quarter and the first one was monday morning at 830 and my last one is tomorrow at 7pm. Chances are im going to have one Pass, one A-, hopefully one B- and most likely a C in Sleep and Dreams. I really need to step up next quarter but its hard when you really dislike what you are taking. Hopefully i do better at picking interesting classes for the spring. Currently i am signed up for 31 units next quarter (which is illegal, 20 is the max) but i am going to start with all those classes for the first week and a half and then ill drop the ones that arent interesting. <<
1. Sociology 1
2. indigenous identity and Diaspora
3. linguistics 1
4. English 90 ( Creative Writing)- you basically leave the class with a solid 20 page story
5. IHUM: rebellious Daughters ( unfortunately i cant drop this one)
6. Gender and Sexuality in Schools
7.American Studies 202 (history of the American Families)
ill let you know what the final schedule ends up looking like. :)
FAMILY
Family is good, i think. I havent really gotten to talk to them much lately but ill be home in less than a moth so ill be able to spend a little time with the family then. I realized a few weeks ago that since i have been up here for winter quarter i havent talked to lehua once and so the past couple weeks ive been trying to get a hold of her. i finally got to talk to her on monday :) which was nice. Duncan keeps going back and forth being single and taken... tiana and duncan are the california version of sommerset and JT except tiana is the idiot :p. Halia has been dealing with the death of her best friend when she was 8 a lot more lately cuz she recently found out it was a murder suicide which is hard to deal with at any age but especially at her age.. as far as i know, mom and dad are both in good heath and still married. :) lol.
LOVE
this section is easy. JENNA!!!!! i love her very much. THINGS are great. not perfect but i like that. just an update: jenna will be in hawaii in april with me and hopefully again in august. im hoping to go to boston next winter break to hang out with her and her faimly, her mom invited me when i told her i had never seen snow. i think they really like me which is nice... except jennas parents arent happy thats shes skipping school to come to hawaii in april.. OOoPS.. anyways we have been only dating for about 6 weeks which is crazy when you think about how quickly everything has been moving. its nuts... but i love her. spring break is going to be hard cuz its 8 days without seeing each other which is the longest we have ever gone but it will make us stronger.
TRAVEL
I have traveled a lot this year. i just got back from Philly and im about to go to DC to hang out with Sommerset!!!! i cant wait its gonna be soo much fun. also i head home in april which you guys already know and then hopefully ill hit up hilo for a bit when i home tis summer. im also going to chicago for nationals :) that will be fun.
SLAM
i was recently in Philly for the national College poetry slam and that was interesting. i have been giving a lot of thought lately to retiring after this years youth nationals. im kinda getting tired of being scores and slam has become more of a job and chore than an actually activity. we'll see. Anyways college nationals is WAYYY to much drama for me and i dont think ill be back there again which makes me believe that adult nationals wont be that fun either. :( oh well i figure something out soon. in case you werent aware the reason ill be home in april is to try out again for the hawaii team to go to Chicago this summer to compete. this is my last year of eligibility and i wnat to go out with a bang :) and then after the summer ill evaluate if i want to continue doing what i have been doing.
HBO
the HBO doc starts april 5th at 11pm but ive already seen the first 5 episodes which were pretty good. im excited to see the rest cuz episode 6 & 7 are semifinals and finals which were definitely my favorite part of the festival :) if you dont have HBO you will be able to watch it online at the youthspeaks website. www.youthspeaks.org happy WATCHING :)
WORK/PLANS FOR THE SUMMER
i worked upwards of 20 hours a week this quarter and ill probably do the same next quarter. as for this summer ill be working for a few non-profits while getting paid by Stanford 12$/hr to basically help out the hawaiian community. this is a project im actually really excited for. ill have to work 40 hours a week but ill have my weekends to go to the beach and my nights to party with my friends. im excited :)
Anyways thats all for now, jenna is studying so i should study too. :)
i love you all and ill see u guys soon!!!!! :P
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Ceded Lands, Civil Unions, LIfe
Ceded Lands
It seems as if for as long as i can remember the state has done wrong by the native Hawaiian people, or native people in general. Yesterday, the highest court of the land heard 30 minute testimony from both OHA and the State of Hawaii regarding the monumental Ceded Lands. The decision on this case could affect up to 1/3 of the land in hawaii and all of the prgram focused towards benefiting native Hawaiians. I dont thik people understand how big this case really is, its not just about land. its about Kamehameha, healt hcare, Lunaliho homes, QLCC and many other programs targetted towards the betterment of NATIVE people. since both sides focused their arguments suround it, its looks as of the case will be decided based of the supreme courts interpretation of the 1993 apology bill signed by Bill Clinton stating that the 1893 overthrow and 1898 annexation were both immoral and invalid. All we can do as hawaiians now is hope and pray that for the first time since our existance we are done right by the United States of America.
Civil Unions(bill 444)
This past week the State Senate has also been hearing a case that would affect all of hawaii and parts of the Continental US. If Passed Same sex couples will be given the same legal rights as opposite sex married couples. As it stands, same sex couples lack many rights provided to the larger population. many arguments aggainst same sex marrige fight to protect the "sanctity" of marrige and its institution. However, a civil union is not a mirriege it is not recognized by the church and solely rest n the law. The US constitition clearly states a seperation of church and State; however, as it stand today a institution held and protected by the church denies many rights to citizens that sounds be held solely by the state. This is a case of human rights and is just as important as the right for female voting, black voting, anti segrigation ect. If the church wants to keep homosexuals out of its sacred halls then the church shoudl keeps its "sacred" hands out of the law.
LIFE
Life is good. i have been having lots of arthritis issues but i am okay. Duncan turned 21 on the 21st and i got to hang out with him at his party. duncan eventually got way to drunk and ended up puking on Jenna, poor thing. lol. but we took care of him and he turned out okay. also, in his drunkeness he told jenna "jamaica is the closest person to me in the world, as long as she is happy and smiling i am gonn love you... thats the only important thing..." i basically started crying.. lol. im glad my brother likes her.
Jenna is officially coming to hawaii in april with me. she arrives a day later and leaves like two days earlier but im REALLY excited :). my mo already loves her and my dad is jealous im bringing someone home cuz he said he wants to spend more time with me but he'll live.
besides that, things are good im getting ready for CUPSI (college slam nationals) and GSF (Hawaii GRand Slam Finals) and trying to stay focused in school. make sure to keep april 11th free if you are in hawaii to come support me for slam.. please :) oh, and i've been invited to a pre-screaning premire of the HBO doc in san fran march 9th so ill get to see it before it airs which is kinda cool.
wish me luck: today i compete for 300 dollars in the youth slam finals in oakland. im guarenteed to win at least 100 but it would be nice to come in first :)
love,
Jamaica
It seems as if for as long as i can remember the state has done wrong by the native Hawaiian people, or native people in general. Yesterday, the highest court of the land heard 30 minute testimony from both OHA and the State of Hawaii regarding the monumental Ceded Lands. The decision on this case could affect up to 1/3 of the land in hawaii and all of the prgram focused towards benefiting native Hawaiians. I dont thik people understand how big this case really is, its not just about land. its about Kamehameha, healt hcare, Lunaliho homes, QLCC and many other programs targetted towards the betterment of NATIVE people. since both sides focused their arguments suround it, its looks as of the case will be decided based of the supreme courts interpretation of the 1993 apology bill signed by Bill Clinton stating that the 1893 overthrow and 1898 annexation were both immoral and invalid. All we can do as hawaiians now is hope and pray that for the first time since our existance we are done right by the United States of America.
Civil Unions(bill 444)
This past week the State Senate has also been hearing a case that would affect all of hawaii and parts of the Continental US. If Passed Same sex couples will be given the same legal rights as opposite sex married couples. As it stands, same sex couples lack many rights provided to the larger population. many arguments aggainst same sex marrige fight to protect the "sanctity" of marrige and its institution. However, a civil union is not a mirriege it is not recognized by the church and solely rest n the law. The US constitition clearly states a seperation of church and State; however, as it stand today a institution held and protected by the church denies many rights to citizens that sounds be held solely by the state. This is a case of human rights and is just as important as the right for female voting, black voting, anti segrigation ect. If the church wants to keep homosexuals out of its sacred halls then the church shoudl keeps its "sacred" hands out of the law.
LIFE
Life is good. i have been having lots of arthritis issues but i am okay. Duncan turned 21 on the 21st and i got to hang out with him at his party. duncan eventually got way to drunk and ended up puking on Jenna, poor thing. lol. but we took care of him and he turned out okay. also, in his drunkeness he told jenna "jamaica is the closest person to me in the world, as long as she is happy and smiling i am gonn love you... thats the only important thing..." i basically started crying.. lol. im glad my brother likes her.
Jenna is officially coming to hawaii in april with me. she arrives a day later and leaves like two days earlier but im REALLY excited :). my mo already loves her and my dad is jealous im bringing someone home cuz he said he wants to spend more time with me but he'll live.
besides that, things are good im getting ready for CUPSI (college slam nationals) and GSF (Hawaii GRand Slam Finals) and trying to stay focused in school. make sure to keep april 11th free if you are in hawaii to come support me for slam.. please :) oh, and i've been invited to a pre-screaning premire of the HBO doc in san fran march 9th so ill get to see it before it airs which is kinda cool.
wish me luck: today i compete for 300 dollars in the youth slam finals in oakland. im guarenteed to win at least 100 but it would be nice to come in first :)
love,
Jamaica
Monday, February 16, 2009
long overdue life update.
my last blog was over a week ago :( and a lot has happened since.
school is school, im staying afloat.. i had too midterms and i did okay on both, not as good as i had hoped but im okay. bleh
jenna and i are officially dating and its working out nicely, ayana still isnt talking to me and im starting to notice that i really dont have any platonic friends here and i feel like somehow im burning bridges back home :( idk. things are changing and i feel like theres a growing distance between me and the people i love and the more i try to fill it the more frustrated i get.
bleh
i went to a slam on thursday and qualified for another slam wher ethe prize money is 1k :) so the next slam is next thursday. problem is my phone got stolen while i was at the slam which sucks really bad but i have an iphone on its way in the mail.. hopefully ill get it by wednesday but more realistically it will be here by thursday :(. hmmm what else happened...
friday night teraa (jenna's dorm) had a party called "sex" haha.. i dont know what the party was like cuz me n jenna never left her room. :/ but i bet it was fun
(check calender)*
oh yeah VALENTINES DAY :)
so valentines morning jenna and i exchanged homeade valentines :) and CD's and we both had roses delivered to each others dorms. sad thing is i dont sleep at my dorm so i didnt get mine til later. then i went to work and jenna went shopping. jenna took me out to dinner which was really fun an dthen we went to a mascarade ball thing which was also really fun but then i got high so i just wnated to go back to the room and shit.
thats about it sunday and today were just lazy days. but good. i have a project i should be working on. bleh. but i love you guys and miss you all like fucking crazy...
school is school, im staying afloat.. i had too midterms and i did okay on both, not as good as i had hoped but im okay. bleh
jenna and i are officially dating and its working out nicely, ayana still isnt talking to me and im starting to notice that i really dont have any platonic friends here and i feel like somehow im burning bridges back home :( idk. things are changing and i feel like theres a growing distance between me and the people i love and the more i try to fill it the more frustrated i get.
bleh
i went to a slam on thursday and qualified for another slam wher ethe prize money is 1k :) so the next slam is next thursday. problem is my phone got stolen while i was at the slam which sucks really bad but i have an iphone on its way in the mail.. hopefully ill get it by wednesday but more realistically it will be here by thursday :(. hmmm what else happened...
friday night teraa (jenna's dorm) had a party called "sex" haha.. i dont know what the party was like cuz me n jenna never left her room. :/ but i bet it was fun
(check calender)*
oh yeah VALENTINES DAY :)
so valentines morning jenna and i exchanged homeade valentines :) and CD's and we both had roses delivered to each others dorms. sad thing is i dont sleep at my dorm so i didnt get mine til later. then i went to work and jenna went shopping. jenna took me out to dinner which was really fun an dthen we went to a mascarade ball thing which was also really fun but then i got high so i just wnated to go back to the room and shit.
thats about it sunday and today were just lazy days. but good. i have a project i should be working on. bleh. but i love you guys and miss you all like fucking crazy...
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Thats what She said
i have a midterm tomorrow so this will be short cuz i have to study.
i dont have time to go into the details of how i lost my best friend but it happened. and it really sucks but im doing alright. I am dating Jenna now which is amazing. I havent slept in my dorm in a week, its kinda crazy. i have somehow found myself in this VERRy intense pysical and emotional relationship an dit kinda came out of no where. i am trying to take things slow but i've pretty muched already moved in and last night jenna said thta she thinks shes in love with me which is kinda trerrrifying to say the least. and its weird i keep having this urge to tell her i love you but i dont know if thats just, bleh...idk.
i am really tired, we've finally gotten to the pont where we can actually SLEEP in the same bed but the intensity of our chemistry is kinda crazy sometimes.
anywasy i just wanted you all to know that im dating, im happy, i smile a lot more:) haha. jk. only for a little while
i dont have time to go into the details of how i lost my best friend but it happened. and it really sucks but im doing alright. I am dating Jenna now which is amazing. I havent slept in my dorm in a week, its kinda crazy. i have somehow found myself in this VERRy intense pysical and emotional relationship an dit kinda came out of no where. i am trying to take things slow but i've pretty muched already moved in and last night jenna said thta she thinks shes in love with me which is kinda trerrrifying to say the least. and its weird i keep having this urge to tell her i love you but i dont know if thats just, bleh...idk.
i am really tired, we've finally gotten to the pont where we can actually SLEEP in the same bed but the intensity of our chemistry is kinda crazy sometimes.
anywasy i just wanted you all to know that im dating, im happy, i smile a lot more:) haha. jk. only for a little while
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
one sentance.
all im going to say is: its good that girls can't get girls pregnant or i'd be double fucked! :) oh too many stories to tell you.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
short: i slept with her
things are crazy.
but here's a short update.
i slept over with jenna last night.
she's beautiful
and i'm really confused but its okay, because she is beautiful.
we talked til 4am and she asked me last night "Jamaica, are you legitimately over Caitlin"
and i told her "i dont know, but lately i've felt a lot more full and a lot less broken"
aww fuck life is beautiful, o so beautiful.
but here's a short update.
i slept over with jenna last night.
she's beautiful
and i'm really confused but its okay, because she is beautiful.
we talked til 4am and she asked me last night "Jamaica, are you legitimately over Caitlin"
and i told her "i dont know, but lately i've felt a lot more full and a lot less broken"
aww fuck life is beautiful, o so beautiful.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
nightmare-short blog
dude i had an intense nightmare last night
elements include:
pool, baby,
chinese mafia,
hostage situation, tanks, guns, tranquilizers, family, awesome poets who are held hostage, bomb threat, university of san fransisco and hawaii.
man it was INTENSE i tell you. i'd explain the whole thing but youd prob just laugh.
people who made short camios:
my whole family, rose, some girl people i think i made up, ittai wong....
but yeah while i was home after trying to get lehua to run down the st to her own safety i tried texting people to get them to call the cops or help me cuz for some reason i couldnt call teh cops
so i texted dave (caitlins boyfriend) cuz caitlin never answers my calls or calls me back, and NOTHING happened, but i mean dont give him a hard time i texted the rest of you and still no response.... ahh so sad my life. no one wnated to save me and my family. you might want to laugh but i woke up shaking and crying. it was HELLA intense
elements include:
pool, baby,
chinese mafia,
hostage situation, tanks, guns, tranquilizers, family, awesome poets who are held hostage, bomb threat, university of san fransisco and hawaii.
man it was INTENSE i tell you. i'd explain the whole thing but youd prob just laugh.
people who made short camios:
my whole family, rose, some girl people i think i made up, ittai wong....
but yeah while i was home after trying to get lehua to run down the st to her own safety i tried texting people to get them to call the cops or help me cuz for some reason i couldnt call teh cops
so i texted dave (caitlins boyfriend) cuz caitlin never answers my calls or calls me back, and NOTHING happened, but i mean dont give him a hard time i texted the rest of you and still no response.... ahh so sad my life. no one wnated to save me and my family. you might want to laugh but i woke up shaking and crying. it was HELLA intense
Monday, January 26, 2009
short update
my life here kinda exploded this weekend...
realized i didnt like katie but she fell for me. i broke things off
katie then told shara (her best friend and my best friends girlfriend)that i liked her. which is true but irrelevant.
shara confronted ayana( mmy best friend and her girlfriend) about me liking shara and ayana said it was true
now ayana thinks my "more than a crsuh thing for shara is cute
shara and ayana are in a open relationship
katie has a "broken heart"
shara feels fore katie but also thinks our (mine and shara's) ralationship is really important and shara also liked me in the beginning of the year.. stupid jamaica should have said something about likening her before it was too late.
on top of all of that when i needed to talk to someone and ask for legit advice i was again reminded of my lack of importance in certain peoples lives. whatever. im fucking over it, im just trying to hold my life together here if my life back home is falling apart i dont even give a fuck anymore....
im back to the single life and the life of beineg very interested in someone i CAN NEVER HAVE. its funny to move on only to find yourself in a position you should also move on from.
realized i didnt like katie but she fell for me. i broke things off
katie then told shara (her best friend and my best friends girlfriend)that i liked her. which is true but irrelevant.
shara confronted ayana( mmy best friend and her girlfriend) about me liking shara and ayana said it was true
now ayana thinks my "more than a crsuh thing for shara is cute
shara and ayana are in a open relationship
katie has a "broken heart"
shara feels fore katie but also thinks our (mine and shara's) ralationship is really important and shara also liked me in the beginning of the year.. stupid jamaica should have said something about likening her before it was too late.
on top of all of that when i needed to talk to someone and ask for legit advice i was again reminded of my lack of importance in certain peoples lives. whatever. im fucking over it, im just trying to hold my life together here if my life back home is falling apart i dont even give a fuck anymore....
im back to the single life and the life of beineg very interested in someone i CAN NEVER HAVE. its funny to move on only to find yourself in a position you should also move on from.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
katie. caitlin... exs loves. new ones. and best friends. blurred lines deserve poems.
6 months out of heartbreaks hold
I met Katie
Not meant to be confused with Caitlin
Who was my best friend
And Ex girlfriend
yes
She makes the territory hazy
Or maybe that was just me
My mistake
Im sorry
But I must say
Im scared again
So I bring up stories
Talk to new prospects about old ones past
You’ve heard the story too many times
Katie
Im sure
You know
I don’t even need to draw lines for you anymore
Im fragile and you can see the cracks from my past
No one can argue with the fact that
I’ve been broken
Far too painfully for it to fit into one nights conversation
So I stretch it and you keep listening
Honestly
I don’t get it
You Listen to my heart crack everytime I try to take a layer of my skin off so you can examine deeper
Im trying to peel for you
The only way I know how to
And I know its painful both ways to hear caitlins name in too casual a conversation
its not fair to you for me to keep this wound open
Maybe I speak
trying to scare you away but you seem to keep coming back
Im confused
And scared
Cuz I find myself wanting for you to be everything I tried but couldn’t be for Caitlin
Everything but
Broken
I Want you to sew these new stitches deep enough into my melonin to make me beautiful for once
Make me smile again
But Im scared to like you
Cuz I know if I can like you
I can love too
And if I love
I know ill hurt too
Even if you don’t want to
You have to know
Its not up to you
Trust me when I say
Sometimes the heart cracks against anyone’s wishes
And you might not even notice
Falling in love can sometimes be like falling apart
And I can make heartbreak so colorful
You’d think that I enjoyed it
think its beautiful to be broken
I promise
I’ve never been this beautiful before
Never did anyone turn a second glance when I was in one piece
A million is far more exotic
Perfection is boring
When perfection means healed and happy
Every eye looks for sorrow
While all the while my heart only looks for a tomorrow bright enough to see a future
Im sorry
I’m pessimistic and realistic about loves prospect based off past experience
I am everything I hate about those who have been hurt
I
Am
Cautious
And you seem too beautiful to be anything but reckless
And im scared
Yes
Ill say it again
Katie
You are not what I expected
And I don’t want to be hurt again by someone too beautiful to notice
And I know
You are different
I’ve heard it
But so was Caitlin
She was nothing like steven
And still
At the end I was hurt
And I don’t want you to be next
So here is what I need
I don’t want to be rushed
But I need to be pushed
Or else ill just stay stagnant
In heartbreak steel net
Waiting for another wave of courage that’ll never come to wash me back to shore
Where I can stand
I need something solid
A rock that beats Like a metronome to keep me in check
Keeps me swimming forward
Or at least keep me flouting to the surface
I need rebound that doesn’t bounce
a board that doesn’t repel
rather One that sticks
I need a magnet
Opposite
Someone who is everything I am not and cant be at the moment
Strong
Sure
Beautiful
And careful
Can you be my positive?
And I’ll stand here
Trying my best not to be negative about this situation
Try to be slow about physics pull between us
Cuz we both know that science is bullshit
and no heart flutters to the beat that can be calculated
But maybe with enough time we can calculate the distance between beats to find a space between to rest in
If even just for a moment
Find time to be whole
Mend cracks and admire the scars of history
And realize we learned from them
Can you be my rock?
Can you be my friend?
Could you possibly be
my
positive?
I met Katie
Not meant to be confused with Caitlin
Who was my best friend
And Ex girlfriend
yes
She makes the territory hazy
Or maybe that was just me
My mistake
Im sorry
But I must say
Im scared again
So I bring up stories
Talk to new prospects about old ones past
You’ve heard the story too many times
Katie
Im sure
You know
I don’t even need to draw lines for you anymore
Im fragile and you can see the cracks from my past
No one can argue with the fact that
I’ve been broken
Far too painfully for it to fit into one nights conversation
So I stretch it and you keep listening
Honestly
I don’t get it
You Listen to my heart crack everytime I try to take a layer of my skin off so you can examine deeper
Im trying to peel for you
The only way I know how to
And I know its painful both ways to hear caitlins name in too casual a conversation
its not fair to you for me to keep this wound open
Maybe I speak
trying to scare you away but you seem to keep coming back
Im confused
And scared
Cuz I find myself wanting for you to be everything I tried but couldn’t be for Caitlin
Everything but
Broken
I Want you to sew these new stitches deep enough into my melonin to make me beautiful for once
Make me smile again
But Im scared to like you
Cuz I know if I can like you
I can love too
And if I love
I know ill hurt too
Even if you don’t want to
You have to know
Its not up to you
Trust me when I say
Sometimes the heart cracks against anyone’s wishes
And you might not even notice
Falling in love can sometimes be like falling apart
And I can make heartbreak so colorful
You’d think that I enjoyed it
think its beautiful to be broken
I promise
I’ve never been this beautiful before
Never did anyone turn a second glance when I was in one piece
A million is far more exotic
Perfection is boring
When perfection means healed and happy
Every eye looks for sorrow
While all the while my heart only looks for a tomorrow bright enough to see a future
Im sorry
I’m pessimistic and realistic about loves prospect based off past experience
I am everything I hate about those who have been hurt
I
Am
Cautious
And you seem too beautiful to be anything but reckless
And im scared
Yes
Ill say it again
Katie
You are not what I expected
And I don’t want to be hurt again by someone too beautiful to notice
And I know
You are different
I’ve heard it
But so was Caitlin
She was nothing like steven
And still
At the end I was hurt
And I don’t want you to be next
So here is what I need
I don’t want to be rushed
But I need to be pushed
Or else ill just stay stagnant
In heartbreak steel net
Waiting for another wave of courage that’ll never come to wash me back to shore
Where I can stand
I need something solid
A rock that beats Like a metronome to keep me in check
Keeps me swimming forward
Or at least keep me flouting to the surface
I need rebound that doesn’t bounce
a board that doesn’t repel
rather One that sticks
I need a magnet
Opposite
Someone who is everything I am not and cant be at the moment
Strong
Sure
Beautiful
And careful
Can you be my positive?
And I’ll stand here
Trying my best not to be negative about this situation
Try to be slow about physics pull between us
Cuz we both know that science is bullshit
and no heart flutters to the beat that can be calculated
But maybe with enough time we can calculate the distance between beats to find a space between to rest in
If even just for a moment
Find time to be whole
Mend cracks and admire the scars of history
And realize we learned from them
Can you be my rock?
Can you be my friend?
Could you possibly be
my
positive?
Sunday, January 18, 2009
shortest blog EVER.
i dont like it when people say they are gonna call and then they dont because then i think they are dead. apparently i have a lot of dead friends, or maybe just one. Peace.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
i have a date and a roomate with mono :)
ahh fuck. so i have a date tomorrow. with katie in the city. and its like kinda legit. i cant remember the last time i went on a legit date...hmmmm. im scared out of my mind. i dont know what to wear or what im gonna do when i drop her off. ah shit. girls make me nervous. boys are easy, i like boys i can read them. and when im out with a guy i dont have to make a move or anything i just have to show up. but girls have all these dumb rules and shit. bleh. okay. btw i think my roomate has mono. that is bad...hmmm.
okay bye :)
okay bye :)
Monday, January 12, 2009
You are my sweetest downfall and i will not regret.
"If you were arrested for being kind to yourself.. would there be enough evidence to convict you?"
I have been told on many occasions, by someone i have for quite sometime considered to be my best friend, that i am "too hard on myself." In essence, in her opinion, i Expect too much of myself. But if i don't expect anything will i ever amount to anything more than i expect? to what level of excellence am i expected to hold myself to in order to be a good person? a better question is, can i be a good person if i am decent to those around me but only a monster to myself?
ahhhhhh. too many questions. Imagine if i had the answers, i assume that would be a lot more boring than having all the questions.
I think in a way she is right. i question myself, a lot. At some point i suppose questioning becomes suspicion which then becomes misunderstanding and as people we dislike and mistreat what we do not understand. Therefore, Transitively through questioning my existence I suppose I am hating and mistreating myself. But without someone who loves me enough to care to stop me how would I begin to end this trend. I guess you could say by pointing out my bad habits that could show as someone loving me enough to bring it to my attention but not once has she tried to stop me. Maybe I’m too hard on my best friends as well. Maybe I expect too much of the people I perceive to be the best in the world. And they are the best, If they weren’t the best I wouldn’t surround myself with them, its as simple as economics. Ahhh… I love economics. Anyways, this blog doesn’t really have a solution its purpose is only to pose a problem. That is the first step of course. Everyone says the first step to healing is admitting you have a problem right? So at least im on my way.
I decided to drop a class not really to be easier on myself but because as much as I dislike myself suicide isn’t really that appealing, at least not today, maybe tomorrow... I dropped one of my philosophy classes that was 3 units and then added another one unit course so im back up to taking 17 academic units and working about 24 hours a week. I have also been covering for a lot of other people at work as to occupy myself. I have found my work to be getting ahead of me while homesickness is catching up. it makes me sad. However, to be honest its not so much of homesickness as it is the missing of the past.
As far as I know I have fallen off the earth to one of the people I love the most. But there is not much I can do to control that. My pride is stronger than I thought, I can’t bring myself to dial 10 digits or send a text msg. So although the phone works both ways I have gotten to the point where dialing hurts too much to even consider it an option. The action alone proves to me what I’ve always feared, there are some people in your life that you will love and care for far more than they love and care for you. never the less no matter their actions you continue to love and care. They call... you answer, they cry...you come running and hope for the same in return; sometimes i guess it just doesn't work both ways...not everything in live works like a phone, hearts beineg one of the exceptions. To love a heart and care for it never promises that is will learn or want to do the same. i guess all you can hope for is that the hearts learns to want to do the same to someone willing to return to them. I suppose its selfish to expect anything more. And selfish to be so hard on those I love. I am sorry for more reasons than I can word. and still...
“...I want to run…but only far enough that you will miss me”
Unfortunately that means I must miss you all the while as I’m running. Its cold here and I miss you and I think that I need space from comfort; I just don’t know how to take it…
"You are my sweetest downfall and i will not regret...i will not regret...i loved you first...I loved you first. "
PS:
I’ve decided to end all my blogs now with something I want, may it be from the world but most often from myself or my life.
I WANT:
To embrace change actively.
I have been told on many occasions, by someone i have for quite sometime considered to be my best friend, that i am "too hard on myself." In essence, in her opinion, i Expect too much of myself. But if i don't expect anything will i ever amount to anything more than i expect? to what level of excellence am i expected to hold myself to in order to be a good person? a better question is, can i be a good person if i am decent to those around me but only a monster to myself?
ahhhhhh. too many questions. Imagine if i had the answers, i assume that would be a lot more boring than having all the questions.
I think in a way she is right. i question myself, a lot. At some point i suppose questioning becomes suspicion which then becomes misunderstanding and as people we dislike and mistreat what we do not understand. Therefore, Transitively through questioning my existence I suppose I am hating and mistreating myself. But without someone who loves me enough to care to stop me how would I begin to end this trend. I guess you could say by pointing out my bad habits that could show as someone loving me enough to bring it to my attention but not once has she tried to stop me. Maybe I’m too hard on my best friends as well. Maybe I expect too much of the people I perceive to be the best in the world. And they are the best, If they weren’t the best I wouldn’t surround myself with them, its as simple as economics. Ahhh… I love economics. Anyways, this blog doesn’t really have a solution its purpose is only to pose a problem. That is the first step of course. Everyone says the first step to healing is admitting you have a problem right? So at least im on my way.
I decided to drop a class not really to be easier on myself but because as much as I dislike myself suicide isn’t really that appealing, at least not today, maybe tomorrow... I dropped one of my philosophy classes that was 3 units and then added another one unit course so im back up to taking 17 academic units and working about 24 hours a week. I have also been covering for a lot of other people at work as to occupy myself. I have found my work to be getting ahead of me while homesickness is catching up. it makes me sad. However, to be honest its not so much of homesickness as it is the missing of the past.
As far as I know I have fallen off the earth to one of the people I love the most. But there is not much I can do to control that. My pride is stronger than I thought, I can’t bring myself to dial 10 digits or send a text msg. So although the phone works both ways I have gotten to the point where dialing hurts too much to even consider it an option. The action alone proves to me what I’ve always feared, there are some people in your life that you will love and care for far more than they love and care for you. never the less no matter their actions you continue to love and care. They call... you answer, they cry...you come running and hope for the same in return; sometimes i guess it just doesn't work both ways...not everything in live works like a phone, hearts beineg one of the exceptions. To love a heart and care for it never promises that is will learn or want to do the same. i guess all you can hope for is that the hearts learns to want to do the same to someone willing to return to them. I suppose its selfish to expect anything more. And selfish to be so hard on those I love. I am sorry for more reasons than I can word. and still...
“...I want to run…but only far enough that you will miss me”
Unfortunately that means I must miss you all the while as I’m running. Its cold here and I miss you and I think that I need space from comfort; I just don’t know how to take it…
"You are my sweetest downfall and i will not regret...i will not regret...i loved you first...I loved you first. "
PS:
I’ve decided to end all my blogs now with something I want, may it be from the world but most often from myself or my life.
I WANT:
To embrace change actively.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
I rather be dead...
I want...
someone who is more beautiful on the inside than she is on the outside
someone who smiles too much but isn't afraid to cry
someone strong enough to be weak and vulnerable
someone who's honest and loyal
and i need someone patient enough to wait for me until i am all i want... they say we only hate in others what we hate in ourselves... i wonder if love works the same way...
I'm Lonely. that's all. apparently that's not a big deal or anything new for that matter. whatever. I'm done. fuck being insightful..to be honest, I rather be dead.
someone who is more beautiful on the inside than she is on the outside
someone who smiles too much but isn't afraid to cry
someone strong enough to be weak and vulnerable
someone who's honest and loyal
and i need someone patient enough to wait for me until i am all i want... they say we only hate in others what we hate in ourselves... i wonder if love works the same way...
I'm Lonely. that's all. apparently that's not a big deal or anything new for that matter. whatever. I'm done. fuck being insightful..to be honest, I rather be dead.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Sleep and Dreams
so... for the first time since i've gotten to California i had a full nights sleep.
i went to bed at around 2 and woke up at 12. thats about 10 hours for those of you who are mathematically challenged. and so become of my long night's rest i actually had the opportunity to enter a sleep state deep enough to create my own reality comparable to that of the one we live in the day. in simple terms, i had a dream. and it was somewhat disturbing and painful but it was still a dream.
im not gonna give complete details but basically i was in the Honolulu airport about to leave for college for the first time and someone who definitely should not have kissed me leaned in and kissed me and i basically i fell back into this bad pattern and got led on and crashed bad. haha. it was pretty fucked up. and really bizarre the way things played out.
anywasy besides that, california is okay. i havent had the chance to really settle in because chris is here and he's really starting to irritate me. but yeah i kinda just wnat to get back into the college life phase and hang out with my stanford friends since im stuck here and basically go to partys and do my home work and be lazy and eat when i want to without having to babysit someone. oh and ive been getting a lot of shit for not drinking or smoking... oh well...
my schedule is starting to take a toll on my body and im trying to keep it fomr affecting my emotions. but the worst part is i haven't even started really working. shit is about to get a lot harder pretty quickly. but im sure ill figure it out. aside from that everything is cool. its hard tho because i know everyone has to go on with their life while im gone but i already kind of feel like the first thing that gets drops when the load is to heavy if that makes any sense. i just want to be apart of hawaii even if i am in the distance but it seems like no one (including myself) has the time to keep me involve in his/her life and it sucks.
oh well i'll write more later i have to go to a gig and then start reading for my homework. lkasjfd;lkasjdf;lkasjdf;lkasjfl;kasjdlkfjas;lkdjf
love you guys. really i do. and i miss you all!
ps: in case you were wondering... i ate today.
i went to bed at around 2 and woke up at 12. thats about 10 hours for those of you who are mathematically challenged. and so become of my long night's rest i actually had the opportunity to enter a sleep state deep enough to create my own reality comparable to that of the one we live in the day. in simple terms, i had a dream. and it was somewhat disturbing and painful but it was still a dream.
im not gonna give complete details but basically i was in the Honolulu airport about to leave for college for the first time and someone who definitely should not have kissed me leaned in and kissed me and i basically i fell back into this bad pattern and got led on and crashed bad. haha. it was pretty fucked up. and really bizarre the way things played out.
anywasy besides that, california is okay. i havent had the chance to really settle in because chris is here and he's really starting to irritate me. but yeah i kinda just wnat to get back into the college life phase and hang out with my stanford friends since im stuck here and basically go to partys and do my home work and be lazy and eat when i want to without having to babysit someone. oh and ive been getting a lot of shit for not drinking or smoking... oh well...
my schedule is starting to take a toll on my body and im trying to keep it fomr affecting my emotions. but the worst part is i haven't even started really working. shit is about to get a lot harder pretty quickly. but im sure ill figure it out. aside from that everything is cool. its hard tho because i know everyone has to go on with their life while im gone but i already kind of feel like the first thing that gets drops when the load is to heavy if that makes any sense. i just want to be apart of hawaii even if i am in the distance but it seems like no one (including myself) has the time to keep me involve in his/her life and it sucks.
oh well i'll write more later i have to go to a gig and then start reading for my homework. lkasjfd;lkasjdf;lkasjdf;lkasjfl;kasjdlkfjas;lkdjf
love you guys. really i do. and i miss you all!
ps: in case you were wondering... i ate today.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
STANFORD HERE I AM
here is Stanford update number one...
its about 10:30 ish and i've been running around nonstop since about 9.
my first class was at 10 my second class at 11 my third at 1 forth at 2 and fifth at 3 until 5. then i went to my dorm and tried to eat but was too tired so was researching stuff for caitlin. then i started work at 630 and here i still am. ITS BEEN SOOO CRAZY. i'm tired and really confused on weather or not i have homework.
good ting is as i havent had a chance to get homesick just yet. i mean yeah i miss you guys but im keeping really busy. some people think im keeping to busy but im doing okay so far i just have to get ito a grove and ill make up a routine that works well. but what can you expect? im taking 19 academic units and working 24 hours a week. a lot of people have tried to talk me out of all this work but really its the only way i can be here. if i dont keep busy ill be too homesick to accomplish anything. and luckily i basically have a 3 day free weekend every week so i get to keep my social life too. it works. and who knows maybe everyone is right and maybe i can't balance these many classes but you never know until you try and failing a class isnt the end of the world. i need to do whatever i can to keep myself as relatively happy as possible. so i guess until i burn out completely i'll be pretty happy up here.
besides school im just trying to finalize my work schedule and get ready fro Chris to visit. Chris comes in tomorrow night so i rented a car and im gonna go watch my brothers basketball game and then pick Chris up and then probably go out to eat. hmmm. i still have to clean up my room and stuff. bleh. i need to get settled. and i need to eat soon i havent eaten yet today cuz ive been busy
so im sorry if you called today or texted and i didnt call back or reply right away its been crazy and its gonna be crazy for the next couple days if not until chris leaves.
anyways i want to fill you guys in some more but im fucking tired and im on the phone with sommerset which is a lot more appealing right now than typing. and then i have to call halia and caitlin cuz they both called me... bleh. i love you guys soo much its stressful.
bye :)
its about 10:30 ish and i've been running around nonstop since about 9.
my first class was at 10 my second class at 11 my third at 1 forth at 2 and fifth at 3 until 5. then i went to my dorm and tried to eat but was too tired so was researching stuff for caitlin. then i started work at 630 and here i still am. ITS BEEN SOOO CRAZY. i'm tired and really confused on weather or not i have homework.
good ting is as i havent had a chance to get homesick just yet. i mean yeah i miss you guys but im keeping really busy. some people think im keeping to busy but im doing okay so far i just have to get ito a grove and ill make up a routine that works well. but what can you expect? im taking 19 academic units and working 24 hours a week. a lot of people have tried to talk me out of all this work but really its the only way i can be here. if i dont keep busy ill be too homesick to accomplish anything. and luckily i basically have a 3 day free weekend every week so i get to keep my social life too. it works. and who knows maybe everyone is right and maybe i can't balance these many classes but you never know until you try and failing a class isnt the end of the world. i need to do whatever i can to keep myself as relatively happy as possible. so i guess until i burn out completely i'll be pretty happy up here.
besides school im just trying to finalize my work schedule and get ready fro Chris to visit. Chris comes in tomorrow night so i rented a car and im gonna go watch my brothers basketball game and then pick Chris up and then probably go out to eat. hmmm. i still have to clean up my room and stuff. bleh. i need to get settled. and i need to eat soon i havent eaten yet today cuz ive been busy
so im sorry if you called today or texted and i didnt call back or reply right away its been crazy and its gonna be crazy for the next couple days if not until chris leaves.
anyways i want to fill you guys in some more but im fucking tired and im on the phone with sommerset which is a lot more appealing right now than typing. and then i have to call halia and caitlin cuz they both called me... bleh. i love you guys soo much its stressful.
bye :)
Monday, January 5, 2009
Californication...
so its about 1:30 ish and im laving in 12 hours to go back to the land of education. It hasn't completely hit me and i know this cuz i haven't cried nearly enough....idk. i guess im kinda ready to go back because at least this time i know what to expect, but at the same time i dont really like what im expecting. i dont want to hook up with random people... i dont want to fight with caitlin every other day... i dont want to lose touch with people i love... and i dont want to feel homesick. i understand that i have been given an amazing opportunity but at the same time i dont want to give up the life i have here.
im scared that regardless of how hard i try this quarter is going to be exactly the same as the last, if not worse. i wish i had prepared myself better... oh well. i have to go and pack ill check in again later.
im scared that regardless of how hard i try this quarter is going to be exactly the same as the last, if not worse. i wish i had prepared myself better... oh well. i have to go and pack ill check in again later.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
My heart is a feathered Fist...
We stand today at the break of the a new year.
tomorrow when we awake
trying to fight the repetitive wake of yesterdays
that a moon's cycle creates
i want the new year to bring change...
hey guys. I've got less than 24 hours of 2008 which means a few things...
1. it is no longer the year of our high school graduation...time to let go of high school
2. i'm given a tangible date to turn over and start new... if that's what i choose
i want to reflect on this past year... the things im proudest of and not so proud of.
Pros/the good of 2008:
1. i started off this year doing the school play...which was something i wanted to do since freshman year but what too intimidated by the theater people at school
2. got over steven
3. started surfing again
4. became close with the bbq crew.. haha. you know who you are
5. participated in Ho'ike
6. did my first poetry teaching gig in Lana'i
7. made the Hawaii 2008 youth speaks team
8. opened up completing to someone new
9. made promises and kept them
10. made it through Hbo filming alive(barely)
10.5. came out to my mother
11. WON 2008 BRAVE NEW VOICES in WASHINGTON DC
12. got on the plane
13. Made the Stanford Spoken word Collective
14. found away to suppress homesickness (take upwards of 18 units and work 25 hours a week...aka stay REALLY busy)
15. Passed all my classes (3.4)
16. opened myself up to new romantic opportunities
Cons/ the bad of 2008:
1. took my first drink of alcohol and tried weed
2. lost song contest... AGAIN
3. taketa...nuf said. lol.
4. finally named a heart breaker...:/
5. 4 ER visits and 1 admittance into kapiolani hospital
6. no more tonsils...mono...girlfriend.
7. hurt my best friend...
8. selfishly held someone back
9. went right back into the closet after going to Stanford
10. fell into depression and did stupid stuff
11. started using "party drugs"
12. cried A LOT
13. hook ups
14. heart break
15. lied to myself.
I'm sure theres more for both list but im tired of thinking. I'm freaking out right now because the new year seems like a perfect time to close a few doors and open the next but im not yet sure if that is the right thing to do and if i can even do it. I'm hurting people. A lot of people and its not right. I'm headed back to stanford in 5 days and im terrified i keep thinking of stanford as this temporary rest stop but it seems so much more permanent than hawaii right now considering how im in California 9 months a year. I'm thinking about trying to leave Hawaii in hawaii this time when i leave but im not quite sure how im supposed to do that. I want to live in the moment more but the moment doens't seem nearly as fulfilling as the past. I no longer no what i want and im not going to pretend i do anymore. i'm a mess and i dont want to start 2009 like this. actually i dont want to start 2009. But time and the change it brings is a part of life and i can't escape that nor should i continue to try. Maybe ill be smarter about my heart and my feelings this time around.
goodbye.
tomorrow when we awake
trying to fight the repetitive wake of yesterdays
that a moon's cycle creates
i want the new year to bring change...
hey guys. I've got less than 24 hours of 2008 which means a few things...
1. it is no longer the year of our high school graduation...time to let go of high school
2. i'm given a tangible date to turn over and start new... if that's what i choose
i want to reflect on this past year... the things im proudest of and not so proud of.
Pros/the good of 2008:
1. i started off this year doing the school play...which was something i wanted to do since freshman year but what too intimidated by the theater people at school
2. got over steven
3. started surfing again
4. became close with the bbq crew.. haha. you know who you are
5. participated in Ho'ike
6. did my first poetry teaching gig in Lana'i
7. made the Hawaii 2008 youth speaks team
8. opened up completing to someone new
9. made promises and kept them
10. made it through Hbo filming alive(barely)
10.5. came out to my mother
11. WON 2008 BRAVE NEW VOICES in WASHINGTON DC
12. got on the plane
13. Made the Stanford Spoken word Collective
14. found away to suppress homesickness (take upwards of 18 units and work 25 hours a week...aka stay REALLY busy)
15. Passed all my classes (3.4)
16. opened myself up to new romantic opportunities
Cons/ the bad of 2008:
1. took my first drink of alcohol and tried weed
2. lost song contest... AGAIN
3. taketa...nuf said. lol.
4. finally named a heart breaker...:/
5. 4 ER visits and 1 admittance into kapiolani hospital
6. no more tonsils...mono...girlfriend.
7. hurt my best friend...
8. selfishly held someone back
9. went right back into the closet after going to Stanford
10. fell into depression and did stupid stuff
11. started using "party drugs"
12. cried A LOT
13. hook ups
14. heart break
15. lied to myself.
I'm sure theres more for both list but im tired of thinking. I'm freaking out right now because the new year seems like a perfect time to close a few doors and open the next but im not yet sure if that is the right thing to do and if i can even do it. I'm hurting people. A lot of people and its not right. I'm headed back to stanford in 5 days and im terrified i keep thinking of stanford as this temporary rest stop but it seems so much more permanent than hawaii right now considering how im in California 9 months a year. I'm thinking about trying to leave Hawaii in hawaii this time when i leave but im not quite sure how im supposed to do that. I want to live in the moment more but the moment doens't seem nearly as fulfilling as the past. I no longer no what i want and im not going to pretend i do anymore. i'm a mess and i dont want to start 2009 like this. actually i dont want to start 2009. But time and the change it brings is a part of life and i can't escape that nor should i continue to try. Maybe ill be smarter about my heart and my feelings this time around.
goodbye.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Home at last? sort of....
i know i know i know.
its only been one day, actually it hasnt even been one day but to be honest this quarter of the day wasn't the best i've ever had.
i go to see some people, but not enough. and i really didnt get to do what i wanted to but thats life. im still frustrated and i dont know what to do. i ended up at the north shore around midnight.
i was upset i guess and wasnt paying attention when i was leaving manoa and got on the freeway going west instead of east and just kept going. when i past school i realized i didnt know where i wanted to go so i decided to go straight. i ended up on the likelike and went to kahalu'u and just kept driving all the way to the north shore. it only seemed right to go to kaneohe since that was really my only plan tonight. it was a long silent drive. i dont know what i thought i would find, but i definitely didnt find anything there but ice deals and potheads. while i was driving home i was hoping to come to some sort of conclusions but nothing really stuck. now im home and tired but cant sleep. i dont want to go back to California but honestly i dont want to be right here right now. dude, i need my friends. bad.
i dont feel comfortable in my own home. i cant sleep in my room cuz the fish tank my sister just got is too loud so im in the living room on the couch. i spent about 20 bucks on food tonight ( and somehow still havent really eaten anything. im hoping tomorrow will be better.
really im just full of complaints. sorry. whatever.
call me tomorrow lets go out. im chilling with fam during the day but im free during the night.
i should sleep. hopefully im not up much later. i love you guys.
ps: good luck to everyone who hasnt taken their finals yet... im not so consumed in my own retarded depression to forget about you guys.
its only been one day, actually it hasnt even been one day but to be honest this quarter of the day wasn't the best i've ever had.
i go to see some people, but not enough. and i really didnt get to do what i wanted to but thats life. im still frustrated and i dont know what to do. i ended up at the north shore around midnight.
i was upset i guess and wasnt paying attention when i was leaving manoa and got on the freeway going west instead of east and just kept going. when i past school i realized i didnt know where i wanted to go so i decided to go straight. i ended up on the likelike and went to kahalu'u and just kept driving all the way to the north shore. it only seemed right to go to kaneohe since that was really my only plan tonight. it was a long silent drive. i dont know what i thought i would find, but i definitely didnt find anything there but ice deals and potheads. while i was driving home i was hoping to come to some sort of conclusions but nothing really stuck. now im home and tired but cant sleep. i dont want to go back to California but honestly i dont want to be right here right now. dude, i need my friends. bad.
i dont feel comfortable in my own home. i cant sleep in my room cuz the fish tank my sister just got is too loud so im in the living room on the couch. i spent about 20 bucks on food tonight ( and somehow still havent really eaten anything. im hoping tomorrow will be better.
really im just full of complaints. sorry. whatever.
call me tomorrow lets go out. im chilling with fam during the day but im free during the night.
i should sleep. hopefully im not up much later. i love you guys.
ps: good luck to everyone who hasnt taken their finals yet... im not so consumed in my own retarded depression to forget about you guys.
Monday, December 8, 2008
SexSexSexSEX: the begining of all good stanford relationships
someone told me. All stanford relationships starts with sex... hmmmm. i am continuously baffled by my existence here
the thought of blistering cold when the is not a single cloud in the sky continues to baffle me. but here i am, the place where the impossible continues to happen. relationships, weather, time... they all seem to act very erratically and unpredictably here. maybe its just the college atmosphere, i am still unsure....
i am still a stranger and fool to the weather. And as much as i miss the weather back home i quite enjoy the surprise of looking out into the sun thinking i can put on shorts and then making my way out the door to be reassured of my mistake. the weather does not accommodate me. as i said neither does the time. i find my self with and less of it while i am here. which makes me happy and also rushed. im ready to come home. however, i am not ready for the final i must take before i come home. its all about balance.
as for relationships.... i find people here to go about things very differently than i. most relationships here start with a kiss or most often sex...a concept im still not too comfortable of familiar with. but when in rome.... haha. i've met a few interesting people few worth naming. most intriguing lately to be Kate.
Kate constantly likes to draw the connection between her name and caitlin which most times drives me crazy to the point of apparent frustration. she seems to find my frustration amusing. which is another quality im sure they both share, im trying to to think of their similarities to much considering how unhealthy it is to date the same person twice. i love caitlin but i want to make sure i dont just like kate because of the very few similarities they both share.
Kate is definitely her own person. beautiful, tall (which surprisingly intrigues me), she dances for a major company in san fran...i wont dare call her perfect...i found in the past that saying that makes people uncomfortable.... but i will say that i find her subtle imperfections to be very graceful and beautiful. its a slow confusing process and honestly i feel like i've dove into it with the wrong foot but then again i am reassured by the stanford community that this is how things are done here. i guess we'll see what happens. as for now i think i'll just call her katie a name she reverentially despises and brings her frustration. I must say, im starting to understand the pleasure in this... haha
during a discussion i had with kate in my dorm that started around 11 and lasted til sunday morning at around 5am i wondered around the idea that i might actually be incapable of intimacy. I dare not blame the demise of my last futile relationship on this fact, i know there are far larger issues that caused the end of that one, the strongest beineg that we weren't right for each other... but i can see the trend of relationships before and it is easy to draw a connection to this excuse.
I've always blamed my breakup with steven to the fact that we didnt have sex. not so much that he pressured me and i said no, because that definitely didnt happen. but because i wasnt comfortable yet and he was, i suppose we were just on different pages. i find it to be a hard situation to explain to most people in a way that actually makes them understand what im saying...randy which was a very short lived romance was also ended by not so much a lack of intimacy but a lack of confront in it. i honestly think our intensity intimidated each other to the point of a complete fear of the others power over us, we definitely had a stronger lust than love. and i cannot dare say that it diddnt play at least a reoccurring role in my relationship with caitlin. i wondered if the gap between our "exsperience" would effect our relationship and i believe it took a greater toll on her than it did i...i am sure my fear of physical intimacey and lack of experience frustrated her at best. and i wish i knew how to apologize for that, but it seems to be one of those things that should be left unsaid because there is no right way to talk about it.
But of course, who is to decide the actual reason for a fallen relationship, it is rarely ever the one who is dumped, and i will remind you that it was i left standing at the end of these three relationships. i wonder if i even have the right to ponder and decide for myself why i wasnt right for them. at most times i remind myself it is the past for a reason.
however some days, like this. while i try to put off my studying while watching the clock move much faster than it ever did in Hawaii and while constantly checking to see if i have a missed call or text i ponder this. i wonder, does my emotional intimacy repulse while my lack of physical intimacy leave people unsatisfied? am i too unbalanced to love? a concept i am terrified to ponder further....
i will assure you that i did not dare sleep with this woman that night or morning after having this intense conversation mostly on the mere fact of how hypocritical it would make me and also because i was so FUCKING TIRED. i hope that didnt repulse her. and i hope im not thinking of her too much. but the memory of me wanting to sleep with her leaves me some comfort to hold on to. even if i CANT be close to people physically, at least i still hold the desire to. at least that part of my emotions and body works. could you imagine a teenage girl with absolutely no desire to sleep with another BEAUTIFUL teenage girl or boy? that would definitely suck.
anyways. that my thoughts at the moment. im gonna go read, cuz i dont wnat to study and then maybe ill start packing cuz i come home in four days! you best believe it and when i do i am going to definitely take care of this intimacy problem.!!!! lol
the thought of blistering cold when the is not a single cloud in the sky continues to baffle me. but here i am, the place where the impossible continues to happen. relationships, weather, time... they all seem to act very erratically and unpredictably here. maybe its just the college atmosphere, i am still unsure....
i am still a stranger and fool to the weather. And as much as i miss the weather back home i quite enjoy the surprise of looking out into the sun thinking i can put on shorts and then making my way out the door to be reassured of my mistake. the weather does not accommodate me. as i said neither does the time. i find my self with and less of it while i am here. which makes me happy and also rushed. im ready to come home. however, i am not ready for the final i must take before i come home. its all about balance.
as for relationships.... i find people here to go about things very differently than i. most relationships here start with a kiss or most often sex...a concept im still not too comfortable of familiar with. but when in rome.... haha. i've met a few interesting people few worth naming. most intriguing lately to be Kate.
Kate constantly likes to draw the connection between her name and caitlin which most times drives me crazy to the point of apparent frustration. she seems to find my frustration amusing. which is another quality im sure they both share, im trying to to think of their similarities to much considering how unhealthy it is to date the same person twice. i love caitlin but i want to make sure i dont just like kate because of the very few similarities they both share.
Kate is definitely her own person. beautiful, tall (which surprisingly intrigues me), she dances for a major company in san fran...i wont dare call her perfect...i found in the past that saying that makes people uncomfortable.... but i will say that i find her subtle imperfections to be very graceful and beautiful. its a slow confusing process and honestly i feel like i've dove into it with the wrong foot but then again i am reassured by the stanford community that this is how things are done here. i guess we'll see what happens. as for now i think i'll just call her katie a name she reverentially despises and brings her frustration. I must say, im starting to understand the pleasure in this... haha
during a discussion i had with kate in my dorm that started around 11 and lasted til sunday morning at around 5am i wondered around the idea that i might actually be incapable of intimacy. I dare not blame the demise of my last futile relationship on this fact, i know there are far larger issues that caused the end of that one, the strongest beineg that we weren't right for each other... but i can see the trend of relationships before and it is easy to draw a connection to this excuse.
I've always blamed my breakup with steven to the fact that we didnt have sex. not so much that he pressured me and i said no, because that definitely didnt happen. but because i wasnt comfortable yet and he was, i suppose we were just on different pages. i find it to be a hard situation to explain to most people in a way that actually makes them understand what im saying...randy which was a very short lived romance was also ended by not so much a lack of intimacy but a lack of confront in it. i honestly think our intensity intimidated each other to the point of a complete fear of the others power over us, we definitely had a stronger lust than love. and i cannot dare say that it diddnt play at least a reoccurring role in my relationship with caitlin. i wondered if the gap between our "exsperience" would effect our relationship and i believe it took a greater toll on her than it did i...i am sure my fear of physical intimacey and lack of experience frustrated her at best. and i wish i knew how to apologize for that, but it seems to be one of those things that should be left unsaid because there is no right way to talk about it.
But of course, who is to decide the actual reason for a fallen relationship, it is rarely ever the one who is dumped, and i will remind you that it was i left standing at the end of these three relationships. i wonder if i even have the right to ponder and decide for myself why i wasnt right for them. at most times i remind myself it is the past for a reason.
however some days, like this. while i try to put off my studying while watching the clock move much faster than it ever did in Hawaii and while constantly checking to see if i have a missed call or text i ponder this. i wonder, does my emotional intimacy repulse while my lack of physical intimacy leave people unsatisfied? am i too unbalanced to love? a concept i am terrified to ponder further....
i will assure you that i did not dare sleep with this woman that night or morning after having this intense conversation mostly on the mere fact of how hypocritical it would make me and also because i was so FUCKING TIRED. i hope that didnt repulse her. and i hope im not thinking of her too much. but the memory of me wanting to sleep with her leaves me some comfort to hold on to. even if i CANT be close to people physically, at least i still hold the desire to. at least that part of my emotions and body works. could you imagine a teenage girl with absolutely no desire to sleep with another BEAUTIFUL teenage girl or boy? that would definitely suck.
anyways. that my thoughts at the moment. im gonna go read, cuz i dont wnat to study and then maybe ill start packing cuz i come home in four days! you best believe it and when i do i am going to definitely take care of this intimacy problem.!!!! lol
Thursday, December 4, 2008
working on me
i know i cant make people change. and i've realized i dont want to change anyone except for myself. i have this problem of wanting everyone to be the best form of their person. the problem with that is that i have to inflict my own belief of what "good" is on others in order to do that. so i have a mission of just embracing the different "goods" in each person. im just gonna love people. and if that means im gonna get hurt then so be it. pain is beautiful. i want to teach myself to be happy with the parts of peoples lives they are willing to have me apart of if any at all. above all, i want to love myself enough that it doesnt matter if no one else does. i want to be able to fill my own void. and i dont know how to yet, but im gonna learn in this time of silence.
i love you guys. i hope from this that i learn to be whatever it is each of you need me to be for you. i want to be the best friend i can be to each individual i encounter... is that a ridiculous thing to want?
i love you!
i love you guys. i hope from this that i learn to be whatever it is each of you need me to be for you. i want to be the best friend i can be to each individual i encounter... is that a ridiculous thing to want?
i love you!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
its funny. but really it just hurts
its funny how people will be hurt when ditched by their best friends for their best friends boyfriend and then go and ditch their best friend for their boyfriend...
funny right?
okay, maybe not funny. maybe just stupid.
im in a mean mood.
but i still mean what i say.
know what i mean?
are you catching
i have a new poem.
im gonna burn it
its full of shit
yay
my dorm is loud
its 2:16am
and my roomate is having a nightmare and talking in her sleep
i fucking hate college
but you know what, at least i didnt stay home
it would be soo much worse to be put in the distance when you are only 15 miles away.
at least from here even if you cant feel people
you can see them better
the whole person, you know
we're all a little nearsighted when it comes to our friendships
try moving across an ocean
look back and see if you can see people different
if you cant, then you are lucky.. you have good friends
if you can. well tough shit i guess... i dont know whats next..
im just talking. whatever
luckily no one reads this fucking thing except for sommerset so i can say whatever the fuck i want.
funny right?
okay, maybe not funny. maybe just stupid.
im in a mean mood.
but i still mean what i say.
know what i mean?
are you catching
i have a new poem.
im gonna burn it
its full of shit
yay
my dorm is loud
its 2:16am
and my roomate is having a nightmare and talking in her sleep
i fucking hate college
but you know what, at least i didnt stay home
it would be soo much worse to be put in the distance when you are only 15 miles away.
at least from here even if you cant feel people
you can see them better
the whole person, you know
we're all a little nearsighted when it comes to our friendships
try moving across an ocean
look back and see if you can see people different
if you cant, then you are lucky.. you have good friends
if you can. well tough shit i guess... i dont know whats next..
im just talking. whatever
luckily no one reads this fucking thing except for sommerset so i can say whatever the fuck i want.
Friday, November 28, 2008
my frist thanksgiving away from home
well it definitely wasnt what i exspected.
lets the list the pros/cons shall we...
okay.
pros..
lots of good food
got to see my brother
wasnt completely alone
got to go shopping
cons...
my body is deteriorating
i cried twice if you dont count the gang fight (dont worry ill explain)
it was cold
i spent the night throwing up
witnessed a gang fight
so yeah we had a FULL spread of delicious food and ate at around 2 then spent the rest of the day watching the house marathon and having out own guitar hero marathon!!! i beat duncan a lot!!! its been great seeing my brother, i've missed him a lot. bleh.
okay so now down to the juicy nitty gritty stuff....
we decided we would go shopping at midnight at this HUGE mall close to stanford which is about an hour away. and while we were there all four of us (me, duncan, tiana, reyn) got separated. while i was standing outside of clares about to go inside these 5 guys in red starts fighting with these 4 Hispanic dudes. i was about a foot away when it started and i was freaking out and i kept trying to move back but people were pushing inwards. and then the started kicking the shit out of these guys and yelling and stuff so somehow i ended up inside of clares, THANK GOD! and blood was just all over the place. needless to say it was probably one of the scariest things situations i've ever been in. after that happened my heart was racing for the next couple hours cuz i was just scared something bad was gonna happen.
and yeah now to the whole getting sick part. first off I DIDNT DRINK ANY ALCOHOL, i actually havent drank anything in a while. but i did take 4 ibuprofen and a celebrex right before i left. i didnt think my stomache was empty cuz i had eaten so much but i guess it was. so that along with being scare basically made me really nauseous and i spent the night basically throwing up. it sucked. belh, im still nauseous and dont want to eat and i have my show tonight and im NOT ready but ill figure it out i suppose.
anyways last night was hard, and im sure tomorrow will be harder. saturday marks 9 years since my grndmother past away and it will be the first time ever that im not in hilo with my family. on top of that its caitlin birthday and i still dont know what to do about that. but again im sure ill figure it out. BLEH.
bye guys. see you all in TWO WEEKS :)))))))
lets the list the pros/cons shall we...
okay.
pros..
lots of good food
got to see my brother
wasnt completely alone
got to go shopping
cons...
my body is deteriorating
i cried twice if you dont count the gang fight (dont worry ill explain)
it was cold
i spent the night throwing up
witnessed a gang fight
so yeah we had a FULL spread of delicious food and ate at around 2 then spent the rest of the day watching the house marathon and having out own guitar hero marathon!!! i beat duncan a lot!!! its been great seeing my brother, i've missed him a lot. bleh.
okay so now down to the juicy nitty gritty stuff....
we decided we would go shopping at midnight at this HUGE mall close to stanford which is about an hour away. and while we were there all four of us (me, duncan, tiana, reyn) got separated. while i was standing outside of clares about to go inside these 5 guys in red starts fighting with these 4 Hispanic dudes. i was about a foot away when it started and i was freaking out and i kept trying to move back but people were pushing inwards. and then the started kicking the shit out of these guys and yelling and stuff so somehow i ended up inside of clares, THANK GOD! and blood was just all over the place. needless to say it was probably one of the scariest things situations i've ever been in. after that happened my heart was racing for the next couple hours cuz i was just scared something bad was gonna happen.
and yeah now to the whole getting sick part. first off I DIDNT DRINK ANY ALCOHOL, i actually havent drank anything in a while. but i did take 4 ibuprofen and a celebrex right before i left. i didnt think my stomache was empty cuz i had eaten so much but i guess it was. so that along with being scare basically made me really nauseous and i spent the night basically throwing up. it sucked. belh, im still nauseous and dont want to eat and i have my show tonight and im NOT ready but ill figure it out i suppose.
anyways last night was hard, and im sure tomorrow will be harder. saturday marks 9 years since my grndmother past away and it will be the first time ever that im not in hilo with my family. on top of that its caitlin birthday and i still dont know what to do about that. but again im sure ill figure it out. BLEH.
bye guys. see you all in TWO WEEKS :)))))))
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
fake
FEDERICO GARCÍA LORCA once said, "Most human beings use their public life like a visiting card. They show it to others and say, This is me. The others take the card and think to themselves, If you say so. But most human beings have another life too, a gray one, lurking in the darkness, torturing us, a life we try to hide like an ugly sin."
I've been doing a LOT of hiding lately, Honestly i've been more of a lie than anything. But at the same time i've been learning a lot about how easily i can trick myself into thinking that i'm okay. but anyways this isnt supposed to be a pity party i just wanted to apologize to all of you guys for beineg fake and let you know whats going on.
part of me is doing really good. I come home soon, my classes are almost finished and im in a good place with my parents. THings are moving smoothly.
the only thing that there is to complain about is im lonely. And its not only romantically lonely, i'm lonely in general. BEing in California is hard because everyone who is here that i love is just out of reach. i never get to see my brother, or my cousins so it makes it hard to be even in the same state as someone and still not get to see them. Life is such a tease sometimes. lol...
my bigest problem right now though is the time of year. THankgiving was alwasy my grandmothers holiday. That's when i got to see my whole family, and spend time with my hero. but ever since she pasted away thanksgiving has been different. My family has stopped going to hilo and i havent seen my whole family in once place since thanksgiving in 1998. no can help right? BUT IT SUCKS. And not a lot of people know this but the anniversary of my grandmothers death is the same day as Caitlin's birthday. In the past, i've spent the 29th mostly crying and sad and focusing on my grandmother and just kinda remembering her. And i know this sounds selfish but i dont know how to be happy on that day. what's hardest is that this will be the first thanksgiving where im not with my father. So since i met Caitlin i've kind of dreaded her birthday. and I KNOW thats a HORRIBLE thing to say, but its only becasue i dont wnat to ruine her birthday and i dont know how to be a good friend. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE A PERSON ON THAT DAY. needless to say i'm scared as fuck, im trying to to be selfish and hopefully i pull it off. but if i dont, im sorry. im a bitch, im a bad friend, im a whole lot of things i shouldn't be. but know that i love you regardless....
anywasy im done with the pity party, at least for know. I'm about to jump on a plane back to san fran to see my brother for the second time since i've been to california.eat lots of food and then back to school and then home in about 2 weeks. I'm excited and can't wait to see all my friends :) man i miss you guys.
PS: back to the qoute. Im done hiding, im trying to use this time to work on myself....be happier for me, stop focusing on other people. and i'm not gonna be putting myself "out there" again at least for a while. haha. maybe i should learn this time to protect myself more. Cuz this whole beineg open to knew opportunities and putting myself on the line is not working out. :)
love you guys
Jamaica
I've been doing a LOT of hiding lately, Honestly i've been more of a lie than anything. But at the same time i've been learning a lot about how easily i can trick myself into thinking that i'm okay. but anyways this isnt supposed to be a pity party i just wanted to apologize to all of you guys for beineg fake and let you know whats going on.
part of me is doing really good. I come home soon, my classes are almost finished and im in a good place with my parents. THings are moving smoothly.
the only thing that there is to complain about is im lonely. And its not only romantically lonely, i'm lonely in general. BEing in California is hard because everyone who is here that i love is just out of reach. i never get to see my brother, or my cousins so it makes it hard to be even in the same state as someone and still not get to see them. Life is such a tease sometimes. lol...
my bigest problem right now though is the time of year. THankgiving was alwasy my grandmothers holiday. That's when i got to see my whole family, and spend time with my hero. but ever since she pasted away thanksgiving has been different. My family has stopped going to hilo and i havent seen my whole family in once place since thanksgiving in 1998. no can help right? BUT IT SUCKS. And not a lot of people know this but the anniversary of my grandmothers death is the same day as Caitlin's birthday. In the past, i've spent the 29th mostly crying and sad and focusing on my grandmother and just kinda remembering her. And i know this sounds selfish but i dont know how to be happy on that day. what's hardest is that this will be the first thanksgiving where im not with my father. So since i met Caitlin i've kind of dreaded her birthday. and I KNOW thats a HORRIBLE thing to say, but its only becasue i dont wnat to ruine her birthday and i dont know how to be a good friend. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE A PERSON ON THAT DAY. needless to say i'm scared as fuck, im trying to to be selfish and hopefully i pull it off. but if i dont, im sorry. im a bitch, im a bad friend, im a whole lot of things i shouldn't be. but know that i love you regardless....
anywasy im done with the pity party, at least for know. I'm about to jump on a plane back to san fran to see my brother for the second time since i've been to california.eat lots of food and then back to school and then home in about 2 weeks. I'm excited and can't wait to see all my friends :) man i miss you guys.
PS: back to the qoute. Im done hiding, im trying to use this time to work on myself....be happier for me, stop focusing on other people. and i'm not gonna be putting myself "out there" again at least for a while. haha. maybe i should learn this time to protect myself more. Cuz this whole beineg open to knew opportunities and putting myself on the line is not working out. :)
love you guys
Jamaica
Sunday, November 23, 2008
i've just been wondering...
to what extent should we take account our best friends feelings when it comes to our actions with those we are romantically interested? idk. i want to always put my friends first but that doesn't seem to be the popular trend...maybe it is all about who is gonna raise your kids. but to me, i know i was raised more by my parents closes friends then by my parents themselves...idk, maybe im overthinking.
goodnight!
goodnight!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Genius is the infinite capacity of taking pain.
Neither a lofty degree of intelligence
nor imagination
nor both together
go to the making of genius
Love, Love, Love
that is the soul of a genius.
-Mozart
GUys.
i have a confession to make. i've been keeping a secret from all of you for a week or so but i wanted to fill you guys in because you guys mean the world to me. I've fallen again. Like a rock, not a feather like i promised i would. I dont really know what else to say except i'm ridiculously happy. And i'm gonna try make this last forever, and i know it sounds corny but this shit is for real. Not like the lasts times i'm putting my all into this and im never letting this love go. Honestly, this love has been more challenging and rewarding than any other kind of love i've ever experienced. Its been an amazing learning experience so far and i can't wait to see what in store. so i bet you what to meet him or her right?
HAHAH. actually im just in love with life right now. its amazing, like AMAZING!!! i dont think i've ever been this light and floated like this. its an amazing feeling. so yeah im not in love with a person but i have met a few very very promising prospects. Only problem is the one i think im starting to like the most is kinda off limits, which is probably why i like him.
I kinda promised myself i wouldnt date poets even before i dated caitlin and i broke that rule once and im not sure if i should or even want to break it again, you know? plus there is this other girl who likes me here and she is just beautiful person, only thing she's not so much my type.... idk... maybe she is if i like her, why else would i be attracted to her? you know? but she's definitely made it clear that she likes me.. BLEH.. idk what to do
oh and of course then there is Chris who is coming to visit me in january.... umm thats gonna be interesting considering i know whats gonna end up happening. kjahdfkasjhdfkajshdfkajsdh and i dont know if that is what i want.... hmmm. maybe? maybe not? considering i wasnt ready for it last time doenst that mean im still not ready for it if it hasn't happened yet with someone else??? idk.
and then there is Nainoa who...well who i dont relly know whats going on between us. its always a different story every day. and britney who keeps calling me and talking about how she wants to hang out when i come home and we all know how that ended last time.
its funny i thought after my last relationship that i had NO options. i felt helpless. but i have options i just dont really want to think about them and make a choice. what sucks is that even if i say im over my last failed romantic relationship i keep comparing every new opportunity by it. EVery person i encounter i think about how they compare to what i had, which is the STUPIDEST THING EVER, cuz i know that no one will ever be like caitlin and caitlin wasnt anything like steven so i dont know why im always tripping about it cuz even though my relationship with caitlin was different from steven i was REALLY happy. so transitively my next realtionship that is nothing like caitlin will also make me really happy... right? oh fuck the transitive property doenst work in bed?!??! what am i gonna do. lol.. jk.
haha
anyways this blog is ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!!!
im done
i just wanted to let you guys know that even though im still really stressed with school im also REALLY REALLY happy with my life and yeah. im proud of the person i've become through all of this.
thanks for loving me :)
nor imagination
nor both together
go to the making of genius
Love, Love, Love
that is the soul of a genius.
-Mozart
GUys.
i have a confession to make. i've been keeping a secret from all of you for a week or so but i wanted to fill you guys in because you guys mean the world to me. I've fallen again. Like a rock, not a feather like i promised i would. I dont really know what else to say except i'm ridiculously happy. And i'm gonna try make this last forever, and i know it sounds corny but this shit is for real. Not like the lasts times i'm putting my all into this and im never letting this love go. Honestly, this love has been more challenging and rewarding than any other kind of love i've ever experienced. Its been an amazing learning experience so far and i can't wait to see what in store. so i bet you what to meet him or her right?
HAHAH. actually im just in love with life right now. its amazing, like AMAZING!!! i dont think i've ever been this light and floated like this. its an amazing feeling. so yeah im not in love with a person but i have met a few very very promising prospects. Only problem is the one i think im starting to like the most is kinda off limits, which is probably why i like him.
I kinda promised myself i wouldnt date poets even before i dated caitlin and i broke that rule once and im not sure if i should or even want to break it again, you know? plus there is this other girl who likes me here and she is just beautiful person, only thing she's not so much my type.... idk... maybe she is if i like her, why else would i be attracted to her? you know? but she's definitely made it clear that she likes me.. BLEH.. idk what to do
oh and of course then there is Chris who is coming to visit me in january.... umm thats gonna be interesting considering i know whats gonna end up happening. kjahdfkasjhdfkajshdfkajsdh and i dont know if that is what i want.... hmmm. maybe? maybe not? considering i wasnt ready for it last time doenst that mean im still not ready for it if it hasn't happened yet with someone else??? idk.
and then there is Nainoa who...well who i dont relly know whats going on between us. its always a different story every day. and britney who keeps calling me and talking about how she wants to hang out when i come home and we all know how that ended last time.
its funny i thought after my last relationship that i had NO options. i felt helpless. but i have options i just dont really want to think about them and make a choice. what sucks is that even if i say im over my last failed romantic relationship i keep comparing every new opportunity by it. EVery person i encounter i think about how they compare to what i had, which is the STUPIDEST THING EVER, cuz i know that no one will ever be like caitlin and caitlin wasnt anything like steven so i dont know why im always tripping about it cuz even though my relationship with caitlin was different from steven i was REALLY happy. so transitively my next realtionship that is nothing like caitlin will also make me really happy... right? oh fuck the transitive property doenst work in bed?!??! what am i gonna do. lol.. jk.
haha
anyways this blog is ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!!!
im done
i just wanted to let you guys know that even though im still really stressed with school im also REALLY REALLY happy with my life and yeah. im proud of the person i've become through all of this.
thanks for loving me :)
Friday, November 14, 2008
Real Love.
"In real love you want the other person's good
in romantic love you want the other person. "
...STory of my life...
so hey guys i havent really blogged in a while. haha. so here goes nothing.
i let it go. all of it. i talked to my my therapist at my last crazy people session :P and basically told her im done holding on. and so that is it. i was always happy for Caitlin but now i'm pretty damn happy for me too for letting her go. i know it may seem a little fake guys, but im good trust me I AM. i'm pretty damn happy, im in a good place mentally and emotionally. I'm in touch with my feelings and my friends and i've opened myself up to knew opportunities. I've been dating around A LOT, not in a creepy way. and i've realized even though i kinda miss the whole committed relationship thing im really not looking for that now. i just want to have fun. so i'm gonna keep kinda putting myself in interesting situations and see what comes from it. i'm definitely not going to run from a relationship but im not looking for one anymore. I'm happy enough with what i have now.
i definitely am still homesick, but in a more healthy way. i miss my sisters to death and can't wait to go home and be the cool big sister and spoil them rotten. I've always wanted to be a good sister but i never really wanted to be their best friend too. now i want it all and i cant wait to get it :). moving away has taught me so much about myself and life and really how strong and stupid i can be. lol.
but really i have nothing else to say. i've been laughing A LOT lately and taking pleasure in really weird things like eating coco puffs or just watching a boring movie with a cool guy. i've finally started my life here and i like it. I'm so glad i'm at Stanford even if it means that the world back home is changing. I'm done holding on to yesterday. I'm really excited for next quarter even though its going to be really hard, but i feel like next quarter i'll actually be learning and challenging myself so thats good.
anyways this blog is just so unorganized and poorly written but i dont fucking care. i'm happy and just so amused by life and yes im a little lonely when it gets boring but thats when i get to deal with myself so its okay.
things are good guys. things are good :)
in romantic love you want the other person. "
...STory of my life...
so hey guys i havent really blogged in a while. haha. so here goes nothing.
i let it go. all of it. i talked to my my therapist at my last crazy people session :P and basically told her im done holding on. and so that is it. i was always happy for Caitlin but now i'm pretty damn happy for me too for letting her go. i know it may seem a little fake guys, but im good trust me I AM. i'm pretty damn happy, im in a good place mentally and emotionally. I'm in touch with my feelings and my friends and i've opened myself up to knew opportunities. I've been dating around A LOT, not in a creepy way. and i've realized even though i kinda miss the whole committed relationship thing im really not looking for that now. i just want to have fun. so i'm gonna keep kinda putting myself in interesting situations and see what comes from it. i'm definitely not going to run from a relationship but im not looking for one anymore. I'm happy enough with what i have now.
i definitely am still homesick, but in a more healthy way. i miss my sisters to death and can't wait to go home and be the cool big sister and spoil them rotten. I've always wanted to be a good sister but i never really wanted to be their best friend too. now i want it all and i cant wait to get it :). moving away has taught me so much about myself and life and really how strong and stupid i can be. lol.
but really i have nothing else to say. i've been laughing A LOT lately and taking pleasure in really weird things like eating coco puffs or just watching a boring movie with a cool guy. i've finally started my life here and i like it. I'm so glad i'm at Stanford even if it means that the world back home is changing. I'm done holding on to yesterday. I'm really excited for next quarter even though its going to be really hard, but i feel like next quarter i'll actually be learning and challenging myself so thats good.
anyways this blog is just so unorganized and poorly written but i dont fucking care. i'm happy and just so amused by life and yes im a little lonely when it gets boring but thats when i get to deal with myself so its okay.
things are good guys. things are good :)
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
my jeans, like my friends
(off the cuff)EDITS.
my jeans have tears
rips
imperfections
but they are beautiful
comfortable
know me better than any other clothing i wear
i take them everywhere
just like my friends
they appear to be past their time sometimes
and yet
i can't bring my self to leave them behind
so i just keep stitching and patching
but needles hurt
and my aim is crooked
so all im doing is hurting
everyone
i wish i were better at creating than destroying things
you see you can't mend jeans while you are wearing them
i've tried
you cann't mend tears in friendships while you are still stuck loving them
and i can't leave either behind without feeling naked, alone and empty
so im stuck in this limbo
wearing my pain on my legs and sleeves
everyone can see im broken and breaking the things aroudnd me
i'm sorry
i'm sorry for the things i've done to break and tear you
for not being careful when running with sharp object and cutting corners
i always find some way to unintentionally snag you on the table and then i just continue to tearing trend....
im sorry i dont know how to live in one piece
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
trust me
i'd fix you if i could
but i still think you are beautiful and even more comfortable with the imperfections
if only we could all learn to live with them....
i'm sorry guys. i love you.
my jeans have tears
rips
imperfections
but they are beautiful
comfortable
know me better than any other clothing i wear
i take them everywhere
just like my friends
they appear to be past their time sometimes
and yet
i can't bring my self to leave them behind
so i just keep stitching and patching
but needles hurt
and my aim is crooked
so all im doing is hurting
everyone
i wish i were better at creating than destroying things
you see you can't mend jeans while you are wearing them
i've tried
you cann't mend tears in friendships while you are still stuck loving them
and i can't leave either behind without feeling naked, alone and empty
so im stuck in this limbo
wearing my pain on my legs and sleeves
everyone can see im broken and breaking the things aroudnd me
i'm sorry
i'm sorry for the things i've done to break and tear you
for not being careful when running with sharp object and cutting corners
i always find some way to unintentionally snag you on the table and then i just continue to tearing trend....
im sorry i dont know how to live in one piece
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
trust me
i'd fix you if i could
but i still think you are beautiful and even more comfortable with the imperfections
if only we could all learn to live with them....
i'm sorry guys. i love you.
Friday, November 7, 2008
for everything that doenst fit on a list...
and everything that wont fit in a single conversation, i wrote you all this. (there are pictures in this blog that are imperative for the understanding of what i wrote, so if you are reading this in your email, click on the link and actually go to my blogspot, i promise you will not be disappointed)
Hold your horses, Let me explain. I’ve been seeing a therapist lately about a lot of things but mostly about my relationships (friends, family, Caitlin). Yes Caitlin you get your own category. :P don’t be sad. But this is what my therapist said to do. “it sounds to me like Caitlin is trying to walk away, so you need to decide if it worth it for you to keep trying” granted my therapist only knows my side of the story. So basically she told me I have to make a list of pros/cons for my relationship with Caitlin I guess to evaluate what to do next. And im not gonna lie, I FREAKED OUT. Mostly because I didn’t want to write up a list and then have it say something that I didn’t want. And because I can tell that this woman doesn’t understand why I’m still trying I’d put money on my therapist wanting me to walk away, but what the fuck does she know. lol.
So anyways, I sat in front of a piece of paper and literally just stared at it not knowing what to write. So I started with I love her as a pro, then it moved over to the cons. Haha. Then I wrote it gives me someone to talk to and that also moved around on the pros and con list and then I realized “fuck therapist!” I really did try to make the list, but I decided I would make it on my mirror so I would have to look at it constantly, basically so I wouldn’t be able to get away from it. But even after starting th list on my mirror I found I really didn’t know what to write down and even if I thought of something I didn’t know how I could possible classify it. So in the end I was left with what you see in the picture. Because when you think about it, Its not about single things that add up to pros by being caitlin’s friend and single things that add up to be cons. Friendships can’t be added, subtracted and definitely not divided. This isn’t math, there are hearts, histories and feelings involved. Way to many variables for me to be accounting for, keep in mind that I almost failed trig :P I suck at math, but im good with friends i know who i love and who loves me. I know that my relationship with caitlin is sticky and dynamic and is not about a list, It’s about what has been produced from the love I have for her, and in my opinion in the end its only been positive.
You can say and believe whatever you want, but I know have grown because of this relationship. I have been in amazingly rewarding situations and painful situations but in the end I’ve always been okay. Some people who wanted to protect me warmed me before I started to be friends with Caitlin, but I wanted this and still do. I love Caitlin and because of that I am happy that she is happy. And even though I am not happy with where my entire life is at right now I know I can still be happy for her and proud of her. Regardless of how I feel about myself I am very comfortable and happy with the people I call my friends. I feel like I have the BEST friends in the world and each and every one of them adds something positive in my life and just because I can’t name what exactly it is about these people that make me happy, put them on a list, and add them up so they can make sense to someone else who wants to analyze them it doesn’t mean that my relationships are unproductive or bad, it just means the are different, SPECIAL! and im damn proud of that fact.
Honestly I kinda feel insulted that someone would think I could even put a relationship on a piece of paper. How do I fit all the laughs and tears on a 8X11 sheets of paper? How do I even begin to explain how lucky I am to have the people I have. You guys are my everything, and no one else will ever fully under why I love you guys. I can write as many blogs, poems, and songs as I want but at the end of the day there still isn’t a word that explain what I feel. Basically what I’m trying to say is I’m gonna be there for Caitlin and the rest of you guys until yall make me leave, and if/when that days comes I will be a mess but at least then I know that its happening because that is what you actually want/needs and its not happening because I THINK that is what you want/needs and definitely not because someone with a calculator said the equation was off balanced. Fuck math and calculators and list and therapist. That shit doenst mean anything, YOU GUYS ARE THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS!!
^^^^this is why i can't make a list.. how could i possibly put all these memories on a list??? who the fuck does this lady think she is??? she obviously doenst know you guys, well thats her loss!!!
*On a side note I just want to make sure you all know how proud I am of our group of friends. I love the fact that I can trust all of you guys and when someone is having a hard time everyone steps in to fix shit. You guys are amazing and im lucky to have you. Be safe and everyone don’t be busy dec 12th. I come home at 7pm. Lets go to the beach!!!!! And then again when Sommer comes home:P
this was definitely the most rewarding blog i've writing thus far!
LOVE ALWAYS, from california all the way to DC and Hawaii.
ps: next topic is on self esteem and self worth :P i think at least...
Hold your horses, Let me explain. I’ve been seeing a therapist lately about a lot of things but mostly about my relationships (friends, family, Caitlin). Yes Caitlin you get your own category. :P don’t be sad. But this is what my therapist said to do. “it sounds to me like Caitlin is trying to walk away, so you need to decide if it worth it for you to keep trying” granted my therapist only knows my side of the story. So basically she told me I have to make a list of pros/cons for my relationship with Caitlin I guess to evaluate what to do next. And im not gonna lie, I FREAKED OUT. Mostly because I didn’t want to write up a list and then have it say something that I didn’t want. And because I can tell that this woman doesn’t understand why I’m still trying I’d put money on my therapist wanting me to walk away, but what the fuck does she know. lol.So anyways, I sat in front of a piece of paper and literally just stared at it not knowing what to write. So I started with I love her as a pro, then it moved over to the cons. Haha. Then I wrote it gives me someone to talk to and that also moved around on the pros and con list and then I realized “fuck therapist!” I really did try to make the list, but I decided I would make it on my mirror so I would have to look at it constantly, basically so I wouldn’t be able to get away from it. But even after starting th list on my mirror I found I really didn’t know what to write down and even if I thought of something I didn’t know how I could possible classify it. So in the end I was left with what you see in the picture. Because when you think about it, Its not about single things that add up to pros by being caitlin’s friend and single things that add up to be cons. Friendships can’t be added, subtracted and definitely not divided. This isn’t math, there are hearts, histories and feelings involved. Way to many variables for me to be accounting for, keep in mind that I almost failed trig :P I suck at math, but im good with friends i know who i love and who loves me. I know that my relationship with caitlin is sticky and dynamic and is not about a list, It’s about what has been produced from the love I have for her, and in my opinion in the end its only been positive.
You can say and believe whatever you want, but I know have grown because of this relationship. I have been in amazingly rewarding situations and painful situations but in the end I’ve always been okay. Some people who wanted to protect me warmed me before I started to be friends with Caitlin, but I wanted this and still do. I love Caitlin and because of that I am happy that she is happy. And even though I am not happy with where my entire life is at right now I know I can still be happy for her and proud of her. Regardless of how I feel about myself I am very comfortable and happy with the people I call my friends. I feel like I have the BEST friends in the world and each and every one of them adds something positive in my life and just because I can’t name what exactly it is about these people that make me happy, put them on a list, and add them up so they can make sense to someone else who wants to analyze them it doesn’t mean that my relationships are unproductive or bad, it just means the are different, SPECIAL! and im damn proud of that fact.
Honestly I kinda feel insulted that someone would think I could even put a relationship on a piece of paper. How do I fit all the laughs and tears on a 8X11 sheets of paper? How do I even begin to explain how lucky I am to have the people I have. You guys are my everything, and no one else will ever fully under why I love you guys. I can write as many blogs, poems, and songs as I want but at the end of the day there still isn’t a word that explain what I feel. Basically what I’m trying to say is I’m gonna be there for Caitlin and the rest of you guys until yall make me leave, and if/when that days comes I will be a mess but at least then I know that its happening because that is what you actually want/needs and its not happening because I THINK that is what you want/needs and definitely not because someone with a calculator said the equation was off balanced. Fuck math and calculators and list and therapist. That shit doenst mean anything, YOU GUYS ARE THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS!!
*On a side note I just want to make sure you all know how proud I am of our group of friends. I love the fact that I can trust all of you guys and when someone is having a hard time everyone steps in to fix shit. You guys are amazing and im lucky to have you. Be safe and everyone don’t be busy dec 12th. I come home at 7pm. Lets go to the beach!!!!! And then again when Sommer comes home:P
this was definitely the most rewarding blog i've writing thus far!
LOVE ALWAYS, from california all the way to DC and Hawaii.
ps: next topic is on self esteem and self worth :P i think at least...
this a a rushed blog...
for someone i call a best friend.
sommerset,
im sorry
you have always be there for me, but i dont know how to be there for you right now. i'm scared that something bad might happen and im running round just trying to think of a solution, and nothing is coming to mind. but i do know this. I LOVE YOU, we all do. and if anything were to happen to you i would only be upset but i owuldnt EVER be able to forgive myself. please dont do anything that can't be undone. please be safe. please think, and please call one of us... we all love you and we are all here for you....
sommerset,
im sorry
you have always be there for me, but i dont know how to be there for you right now. i'm scared that something bad might happen and im running round just trying to think of a solution, and nothing is coming to mind. but i do know this. I LOVE YOU, we all do. and if anything were to happen to you i would only be upset but i owuldnt EVER be able to forgive myself. please dont do anything that can't be undone. please be safe. please think, and please call one of us... we all love you and we are all here for you....
4 sleepings pills and a pillow=going to bed
just a simple thought on my mind.....
the only worse than not being able to make someone happy is not being able to exist without making them miserable....
im selfish if i leave, and an ass hole if i stay...
what do i do???
"advice is what you ask for when you know the answer, but wish you didnt..."
is that the case here? it really shouldnt be that simple if you ask me...but idk
the only worse than not being able to make someone happy is not being able to exist without making them miserable....
im selfish if i leave, and an ass hole if i stay...
what do i do???
"advice is what you ask for when you know the answer, but wish you didnt..."
is that the case here? it really shouldnt be that simple if you ask me...but idk
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
a dedication to caitlin...if you dont read and comment, i'll cry...
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly"
so little background i guess before we begin. First of all i'm really stoned right now so dont take anything too seriously, except for everything. because stoned words are sober thoughts. understood? good. So i'm gonna take you back to may 31st. at about noon. Where was i? at barnes and nobel at kahala mall searching frantically for a gift for caitlins graduation...why? well because i thought that was what i was supposed to do for my girflfriend and i was so busy that was the only time i had to go shopping. i also kinda had to borrow money from my 12 year old sister so that i could buy the present and afford the gas to get to kaneohe that night. but anyways back to may 31st. i was at barnes and nobel and i found what i thought would be the perfect gift. a blue book, just waiting to be deflowered by a genius poet. this is the book:
in case you are blind it says "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." so i bought the book wrote this heartfelt letter in it about how i thought caitlin should open up to me, the book and the world and just let her amazing-ness shine. and yeah, to my knowledge the book is still pretty empty, but thats okay. growth and change take time. but yeah thats not really what i wanted to talk about, this is just my reasoning for why this blog is dedicated to caitlin even though from here on im gonna be talking more about myself and less about her. i just wanted to used the above space to remind you that, i remember EVERYTHING. i remember where i parked that day at kahala mall, what i wrote, what i wore, where i sat at your graduation...its almost crazy...i kinda remember every second i've ever spent with you. i guess you'd be surprised how much i wouldnt be able to forget even if i wanted to. so i'm just hoping at the end of the day before you dream and think how happy you are i hope that you remember. Remember me. and that some of us, we know you better than anyone and understand you more than anyone and we've seen you at highs and lows and we are still here, so dont forget! i was there before and i'll be there after. even if after is after forever, i'll still be there. cuz i promised. so all you need to do is Never Forget whatever it is you've kept!--okay done with the corny stuff to the best friend (BTW, im not high anymore i wrote this paragraph sober)
so back to the quote, i'm gonna paste it in again cuz i like it: "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." So unless like last night you were living under a rock for like the past couple weeks or really the last 5 months you would know i've been having a not so easy time with life. we all went through a big change last spring and it seems as if we instantaneously had to grow up and be big kids. Heartbreak was no longer held together with sugar water paste, this is big kid love with big kid things at stake. Its funny, you'd think with age your senses would dull but it seems to me things that you used to let go start to sting a lot harder with age. maybe i just let people in deeper than before? idk. regardless whose to say being guard less is a bad thing???
you hear me talk about balance a lot. because i believe that emotional balance is what holds you together. without it what else do you have? If you build a wall and never let anyone within 5 feet of it then yeah you wont let anyone break you, but you also wont let anyone love you. if you are like me and give yourself without checking the ground first you are helping others grow and learn but making yourself vulnerable and in that case easily broken. so where is the balance? do you just jump and hope for the best? i've spent the last 3 and a half years picking my self off the ground after two "heart breaks" and both times i went all in too early. so what is just bad luck and bad timing or will this ALWAYS happen if i don't at least build a picket fence??? idk. but what i do know is this:
even though i honestly thought i was done with life this past month. even though i've gone to sleep wishing to never wake up and waking up wishing to never dream i know THIS, this pain is here to teach me. this darkness is supposed to tell me something...but what??? idk, dont ask me i dont have all the answers. i wish i did but i dont. i'm just hopeful and faithful and really that is all you can be.
i'm trying to live up to everyone's expectations and its really hard. for my parents i'm trying to do well in school. its funny doing good in highschool was never about them..im not really sure what that was about but it wasn't for them then, but now, now i want to be great and make money so i can pay them back for everything...
i'm trying to be a good friend to caitlin. i'm trying really hard and yet i've found myself grow into this inconsiderate asshole who just says stuff to get back at her when all she has done is try to be happy. I cannot hold that against her...ITS HUMAN NATURE to want to be happy. and even if im jealous sometimes of either him for having her or just her for not being lonely when im still lonely i can still work hard to be happy for her, because if anyone deserves it, its caitlin...trust me guys....i wish you all knew her the way i do, she deserves not only the moon and the sun..but the universe and i just wish i could give it to her. and i can read your mind, you think i deserve the best too..right??? well i'm okay, im not happy but im okay with where i am now cuz i had the best and even if it were only a short time it was okay cuz i had it, and i understand... everyone deserves to have a little big of the best, so right now its someone else's turn and so i should just recognized how blessed i was to ever had experience her and move on. i just need to open my eyes to allow something else to prove worth, i was just spoiled that last time, it was just so clear form the get go.....
okay so i've decided this blog topic was a bad idea..just because it wont allow me to write with purpose, this blog was supposed to be about me. but we all know once i start talking about something awesome i just cant stop. what sucks the writing isnt concise enough that i can even keep going. and i dont know where im leading up to. so i'm just gonna stop writing. sorry. but know that i love you all and i really like this quote but now i just feel since i couldnt finish it i just wrote a whole blog about caitlin and im not quite sure why...so i'm gonna go think about why i did this and take a few sleeping pills and go to bed. sorry for the disappointment guys.....i'll do better tomorrow....
so little background i guess before we begin. First of all i'm really stoned right now so dont take anything too seriously, except for everything. because stoned words are sober thoughts. understood? good. So i'm gonna take you back to may 31st. at about noon. Where was i? at barnes and nobel at kahala mall searching frantically for a gift for caitlins graduation...why? well because i thought that was what i was supposed to do for my girflfriend and i was so busy that was the only time i had to go shopping. i also kinda had to borrow money from my 12 year old sister so that i could buy the present and afford the gas to get to kaneohe that night. but anyways back to may 31st. i was at barnes and nobel and i found what i thought would be the perfect gift. a blue book, just waiting to be deflowered by a genius poet. this is the book:
in case you are blind it says "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." so i bought the book wrote this heartfelt letter in it about how i thought caitlin should open up to me, the book and the world and just let her amazing-ness shine. and yeah, to my knowledge the book is still pretty empty, but thats okay. growth and change take time. but yeah thats not really what i wanted to talk about, this is just my reasoning for why this blog is dedicated to caitlin even though from here on im gonna be talking more about myself and less about her. i just wanted to used the above space to remind you that, i remember EVERYTHING. i remember where i parked that day at kahala mall, what i wrote, what i wore, where i sat at your graduation...its almost crazy...i kinda remember every second i've ever spent with you. i guess you'd be surprised how much i wouldnt be able to forget even if i wanted to. so i'm just hoping at the end of the day before you dream and think how happy you are i hope that you remember. Remember me. and that some of us, we know you better than anyone and understand you more than anyone and we've seen you at highs and lows and we are still here, so dont forget! i was there before and i'll be there after. even if after is after forever, i'll still be there. cuz i promised. so all you need to do is Never Forget whatever it is you've kept!--okay done with the corny stuff to the best friend (BTW, im not high anymore i wrote this paragraph sober)so back to the quote, i'm gonna paste it in again cuz i like it: "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." So unless like last night you were living under a rock for like the past couple weeks or really the last 5 months you would know i've been having a not so easy time with life. we all went through a big change last spring and it seems as if we instantaneously had to grow up and be big kids. Heartbreak was no longer held together with sugar water paste, this is big kid love with big kid things at stake. Its funny, you'd think with age your senses would dull but it seems to me things that you used to let go start to sting a lot harder with age. maybe i just let people in deeper than before? idk. regardless whose to say being guard less is a bad thing???
you hear me talk about balance a lot. because i believe that emotional balance is what holds you together. without it what else do you have? If you build a wall and never let anyone within 5 feet of it then yeah you wont let anyone break you, but you also wont let anyone love you. if you are like me and give yourself without checking the ground first you are helping others grow and learn but making yourself vulnerable and in that case easily broken. so where is the balance? do you just jump and hope for the best? i've spent the last 3 and a half years picking my self off the ground after two "heart breaks" and both times i went all in too early. so what is just bad luck and bad timing or will this ALWAYS happen if i don't at least build a picket fence??? idk. but what i do know is this:
even though i honestly thought i was done with life this past month. even though i've gone to sleep wishing to never wake up and waking up wishing to never dream i know THIS, this pain is here to teach me. this darkness is supposed to tell me something...but what??? idk, dont ask me i dont have all the answers. i wish i did but i dont. i'm just hopeful and faithful and really that is all you can be.
i'm trying to live up to everyone's expectations and its really hard. for my parents i'm trying to do well in school. its funny doing good in highschool was never about them..im not really sure what that was about but it wasn't for them then, but now, now i want to be great and make money so i can pay them back for everything...
i'm trying to be a good friend to caitlin. i'm trying really hard and yet i've found myself grow into this inconsiderate asshole who just says stuff to get back at her when all she has done is try to be happy. I cannot hold that against her...ITS HUMAN NATURE to want to be happy. and even if im jealous sometimes of either him for having her or just her for not being lonely when im still lonely i can still work hard to be happy for her, because if anyone deserves it, its caitlin...trust me guys....i wish you all knew her the way i do, she deserves not only the moon and the sun..but the universe and i just wish i could give it to her. and i can read your mind, you think i deserve the best too..right??? well i'm okay, im not happy but im okay with where i am now cuz i had the best and even if it were only a short time it was okay cuz i had it, and i understand... everyone deserves to have a little big of the best, so right now its someone else's turn and so i should just recognized how blessed i was to ever had experience her and move on. i just need to open my eyes to allow something else to prove worth, i was just spoiled that last time, it was just so clear form the get go.....
okay so i've decided this blog topic was a bad idea..just because it wont allow me to write with purpose, this blog was supposed to be about me. but we all know once i start talking about something awesome i just cant stop. what sucks the writing isnt concise enough that i can even keep going. and i dont know where im leading up to. so i'm just gonna stop writing. sorry. but know that i love you all and i really like this quote but now i just feel since i couldnt finish it i just wrote a whole blog about caitlin and im not quite sure why...so i'm gonna go think about why i did this and take a few sleeping pills and go to bed. sorry for the disappointment guys.....i'll do better tomorrow....
WARNING: LONG POST AHEAD!!! ELECTION and of course LIFE to follow
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^^^^new song, with a drum track. EJNOY
So this is going to be long.. im gonna split it up into sections so you can read what you want.
the first being ....
ou that i love VERY SOON
THE ELECTION:
So In case you were living under a rock last night and didnt know, OBAMA won the election by more than double. with that said a lot of people are happy but at the same time were have a lot of skeptics, and who is to say that they dont have the right to be skeptical but lets really look at these issues.
the first being for more liberal hawaiians is the
AKAKA BILL, which Obama supports.
Okay so the akaka bill seeks to establish a process for Native Hawaiians to gain federal recognition similar to the recognition that some Native American tribes currently possess. In may peoples eyes a step backwards from Independence and would further complicate our chances of ever being independent. Lets make this clear. I DO NOT SUPPORT THE AKAKA BILL. However, if it were to be passed i would pressure my father and myself to be active in its proceedings. to me the fact that so many hawaiian's are soo against it is the same reason why it would be so harmful. the akaka bill sets up a sort of coucil which COULD be made up by hawaiians but all the smart hawaiians are against the akaka bill and therefore wont run, thus giving all the power to people who dont have the best in mind for us. but here is what i have to say to people who voted against obama just becasue of the AKAKA BILL. I honestly think you are an indiot, if this is your only reason. The akaka bill would still have gotten passed if Mccain was elected even though he doesnt not support it. TRUST ME. and this next one is a shocker, especially coming form me, but THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS THAN HAWAII RIGHT NOW. there are bigger issues that we need to focus on and should vote accrodingly. Which brings me to my next point.
GAY MARRIAGE:
obama went back and forth on this one. First against and then decided for gay marriage. Honestly i dont give a crap. Yes i believe in equal rights. i believe you should be able to marry, live with and adobt with WHOEVER YOU WANT. but again at the same time i think there are more important things at this point to worry about. How about the war, or economy or the ice caps!!! to those of you who didnt want obama because of his late support of gay marriage DONT WORRY. prop eight is getting passed make making gay marriage illegal in califorina, florida and arizona. thanks to a whole bunch of mormons in UTAH people in cali, arizona, and florida can't marry the ones the love. its stupid if you ask me but hey im just a college student, i dont know shit. but really im all for political diversity, i believe it Forsters intellectual growth. however, when someone else beliefs starts to hinder my ability to live the way in which i choose or need then thats when it crosses the line. i never said you couldnt get married or that you couldnt get an abortion, so dont tell me i can't either!!!! its really none of the governments business. its funny people want the government's hands off their business but they dont mind if the government is all over our bodies!!!.
ABORTION:
seems to clearly be the next subject. okay. firts lets start in clearing this bullshit up. there is a difference between being pro choice and pro abortion!
its about the right to choose what to do with your body. Honestly, i cannot see myself ever having an abortion but at the same time i cannot see myself being rapped. pro choice is about being given a safe alternative to giving birth to a child who could potentially be put in a fucked up situation. people like to talk about adoption and all the wonderful families there are just waiting for kids. but i've seen the system, i've navigated it and even from the "success story" side the system looks pretty fucked up to me. basically i think if someone is going to have an abortion it should be legal so it can be safe and sanitary. i think you should be able to choose and then you have to live with your decision, but its not mine to make for you.
and im not really gonna go into the rest because honestly i have about as much foreign policy experience as sara palin, i dont know about the war on iraq but i do know people are dying and they shouldn't be. I dont know about the economy but i do know that my father who works two jobs and my mother who works one can't afford to buy a house in a state they've lived and worked for for over 40 years and that is also fucked up. I DONT KNOW how anyone could fix our economy right now but i do know that handing out 12 billion dollars in bailouts to companies will not fix it. i do know that lowering high end tax will not fix it and i do believe obama will do everything he can so that the working class and bellow will actually be able to breathe every once in a while. i know you LOVE your money soo much but really those of you up top have enough so stop whining.
AND NOW
LIFE
So i had this stupid idea that by adding my ex's new boyfriend i would be proving to her and myself that i was happy for her. but if anything its just pissed me off. i'd prob be a lot happier for her if i wern't his myspace friend and i didnt have to read his status and bulitins. and granted i dont HAVE to read his bullitins that he posts about how he wants to be with caitlin for ever but that is just something i put myself through becasue im a stupid masochistic idiot. well you all already knew that one. but yeah i feel bad cuz i can't just delete him cuz when i added him i sent him a msg saying that i was ok with him cuz caitlin was happy and i dont want to be a dick and fuck shit up with my best friend. oh well ill just stay off myspace or something or idk. ;aslkdfjl;kasdjfl;asdjkf;klj and stop beineg so dumb. my quote for today is
"love is the answer but while you are waiting, sexs brings up a whole lot of interesting questions"
SEX....its only 3 letters i dont understand what is so exotic about it. but people seem to praise it and talk about how good it makes people feel. I wouldn't know,im a virgin and frankly if anything i feel like sex has hurt me more than its made me feel good. I mean i place the blame of my breakup with bothsteven and randy on our inability to be "intimate" i guess. i dont know it was mostly my inability i guess. whatever. OVER IT...THE WHOLE WORLD has lost their virginity and here i am Ms. marry justwalking along and i feel like an 8th grader complaining that everyone is doing something that im not.. but really, its pretty irritating. i think i'll just go out and have sex like my roommate did. it seemed to work for her at least. idk. fuck sex. really FUCK IT.
ok i think that's it for now.
i miss my family a lot, which is wierd but not weird at the same time. my sister called me and told me that my mom was danicng around and crying when obama won and as embarrassing as my mother sounds i wish i could have been there. honestly i rather way i was watching my mother make a ool of herself when i found out obama won then staring at my computer in a dorm room. but whatever. I miss my sisters A LOT. i feel guilty for leaving when halia is just becoming a teenager and for missing out on watching lehua really grow up. that along with my niece petra who definately wont recognize me. i just wish i could be home for them, but mostly for me.
and then there are my friends.
man i fucking misss you guys.
you guys were alwasy there for me, you loved me through all the crap and helped me lived through some shitty times that i thought i wouldnt have been able to get through. i mena ashley you saw me through 2 heartbreaks and your still by my side. its crazy. and i mena then there is caitlin and sommer who like babied me all summer when i was sick and took care of me, i wish i could see you guys. i miss naihe becasue no one here will play ukulele while i play guitar and i miss aja cuz you are the only person i know who will sit with me for 3 hours trying to make a fire and not bitch at me! i want to come home, but i can't i need to stay here mostly becasue coming home right now would porb not be what i want or exspect and leave me even more miserable then i am here. but i look forward to better days and seeing all of y
so thats all for today. i'll write again tomorrow, DEFINiTELY NOT AS LONG..I PROMISE
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