We stand today at the break of the a new year.
tomorrow when we awake
trying to fight the repetitive wake of yesterdays
that a moon's cycle creates
i want the new year to bring change...
hey guys. I've got less than 24 hours of 2008 which means a few things...
1. it is no longer the year of our high school graduation...time to let go of high school
2. i'm given a tangible date to turn over and start new... if that's what i choose
i want to reflect on this past year... the things im proudest of and not so proud of.
Pros/the good of 2008:
1. i started off this year doing the school play...which was something i wanted to do since freshman year but what too intimidated by the theater people at school
2. got over steven
3. started surfing again
4. became close with the bbq crew.. haha. you know who you are
5. participated in Ho'ike
6. did my first poetry teaching gig in Lana'i
7. made the Hawaii 2008 youth speaks team
8. opened up completing to someone new
9. made promises and kept them
10. made it through Hbo filming alive(barely)
10.5. came out to my mother
11. WON 2008 BRAVE NEW VOICES in WASHINGTON DC
12. got on the plane
13. Made the Stanford Spoken word Collective
14. found away to suppress homesickness (take upwards of 18 units and work 25 hours a week...aka stay REALLY busy)
15. Passed all my classes (3.4)
16. opened myself up to new romantic opportunities
Cons/ the bad of 2008:
1. took my first drink of alcohol and tried weed
2. lost song contest... AGAIN
3. taketa...nuf said. lol.
4. finally named a heart breaker...:/
5. 4 ER visits and 1 admittance into kapiolani hospital
6. no more tonsils...mono...girlfriend.
7. hurt my best friend...
8. selfishly held someone back
9. went right back into the closet after going to Stanford
10. fell into depression and did stupid stuff
11. started using "party drugs"
12. cried A LOT
13. hook ups
14. heart break
15. lied to myself.
I'm sure theres more for both list but im tired of thinking. I'm freaking out right now because the new year seems like a perfect time to close a few doors and open the next but im not yet sure if that is the right thing to do and if i can even do it. I'm hurting people. A lot of people and its not right. I'm headed back to stanford in 5 days and im terrified i keep thinking of stanford as this temporary rest stop but it seems so much more permanent than hawaii right now considering how im in California 9 months a year. I'm thinking about trying to leave Hawaii in hawaii this time when i leave but im not quite sure how im supposed to do that. I want to live in the moment more but the moment doens't seem nearly as fulfilling as the past. I no longer no what i want and im not going to pretend i do anymore. i'm a mess and i dont want to start 2009 like this. actually i dont want to start 2009. But time and the change it brings is a part of life and i can't escape that nor should i continue to try. Maybe ill be smarter about my heart and my feelings this time around.
goodbye.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Home at last? sort of....
i know i know i know.
its only been one day, actually it hasnt even been one day but to be honest this quarter of the day wasn't the best i've ever had.
i go to see some people, but not enough. and i really didnt get to do what i wanted to but thats life. im still frustrated and i dont know what to do. i ended up at the north shore around midnight.
i was upset i guess and wasnt paying attention when i was leaving manoa and got on the freeway going west instead of east and just kept going. when i past school i realized i didnt know where i wanted to go so i decided to go straight. i ended up on the likelike and went to kahalu'u and just kept driving all the way to the north shore. it only seemed right to go to kaneohe since that was really my only plan tonight. it was a long silent drive. i dont know what i thought i would find, but i definitely didnt find anything there but ice deals and potheads. while i was driving home i was hoping to come to some sort of conclusions but nothing really stuck. now im home and tired but cant sleep. i dont want to go back to California but honestly i dont want to be right here right now. dude, i need my friends. bad.
i dont feel comfortable in my own home. i cant sleep in my room cuz the fish tank my sister just got is too loud so im in the living room on the couch. i spent about 20 bucks on food tonight ( and somehow still havent really eaten anything. im hoping tomorrow will be better.
really im just full of complaints. sorry. whatever.
call me tomorrow lets go out. im chilling with fam during the day but im free during the night.
i should sleep. hopefully im not up much later. i love you guys.
ps: good luck to everyone who hasnt taken their finals yet... im not so consumed in my own retarded depression to forget about you guys.
its only been one day, actually it hasnt even been one day but to be honest this quarter of the day wasn't the best i've ever had.
i go to see some people, but not enough. and i really didnt get to do what i wanted to but thats life. im still frustrated and i dont know what to do. i ended up at the north shore around midnight.
i was upset i guess and wasnt paying attention when i was leaving manoa and got on the freeway going west instead of east and just kept going. when i past school i realized i didnt know where i wanted to go so i decided to go straight. i ended up on the likelike and went to kahalu'u and just kept driving all the way to the north shore. it only seemed right to go to kaneohe since that was really my only plan tonight. it was a long silent drive. i dont know what i thought i would find, but i definitely didnt find anything there but ice deals and potheads. while i was driving home i was hoping to come to some sort of conclusions but nothing really stuck. now im home and tired but cant sleep. i dont want to go back to California but honestly i dont want to be right here right now. dude, i need my friends. bad.
i dont feel comfortable in my own home. i cant sleep in my room cuz the fish tank my sister just got is too loud so im in the living room on the couch. i spent about 20 bucks on food tonight ( and somehow still havent really eaten anything. im hoping tomorrow will be better.
really im just full of complaints. sorry. whatever.
call me tomorrow lets go out. im chilling with fam during the day but im free during the night.
i should sleep. hopefully im not up much later. i love you guys.
ps: good luck to everyone who hasnt taken their finals yet... im not so consumed in my own retarded depression to forget about you guys.
Monday, December 8, 2008
SexSexSexSEX: the begining of all good stanford relationships
someone told me. All stanford relationships starts with sex... hmmmm. i am continuously baffled by my existence here
the thought of blistering cold when the is not a single cloud in the sky continues to baffle me. but here i am, the place where the impossible continues to happen. relationships, weather, time... they all seem to act very erratically and unpredictably here. maybe its just the college atmosphere, i am still unsure....
i am still a stranger and fool to the weather. And as much as i miss the weather back home i quite enjoy the surprise of looking out into the sun thinking i can put on shorts and then making my way out the door to be reassured of my mistake. the weather does not accommodate me. as i said neither does the time. i find my self with and less of it while i am here. which makes me happy and also rushed. im ready to come home. however, i am not ready for the final i must take before i come home. its all about balance.
as for relationships.... i find people here to go about things very differently than i. most relationships here start with a kiss or most often sex...a concept im still not too comfortable of familiar with. but when in rome.... haha. i've met a few interesting people few worth naming. most intriguing lately to be Kate.
Kate constantly likes to draw the connection between her name and caitlin which most times drives me crazy to the point of apparent frustration. she seems to find my frustration amusing. which is another quality im sure they both share, im trying to to think of their similarities to much considering how unhealthy it is to date the same person twice. i love caitlin but i want to make sure i dont just like kate because of the very few similarities they both share.
Kate is definitely her own person. beautiful, tall (which surprisingly intrigues me), she dances for a major company in san fran...i wont dare call her perfect...i found in the past that saying that makes people uncomfortable.... but i will say that i find her subtle imperfections to be very graceful and beautiful. its a slow confusing process and honestly i feel like i've dove into it with the wrong foot but then again i am reassured by the stanford community that this is how things are done here. i guess we'll see what happens. as for now i think i'll just call her katie a name she reverentially despises and brings her frustration. I must say, im starting to understand the pleasure in this... haha
during a discussion i had with kate in my dorm that started around 11 and lasted til sunday morning at around 5am i wondered around the idea that i might actually be incapable of intimacy. I dare not blame the demise of my last futile relationship on this fact, i know there are far larger issues that caused the end of that one, the strongest beineg that we weren't right for each other... but i can see the trend of relationships before and it is easy to draw a connection to this excuse.
I've always blamed my breakup with steven to the fact that we didnt have sex. not so much that he pressured me and i said no, because that definitely didnt happen. but because i wasnt comfortable yet and he was, i suppose we were just on different pages. i find it to be a hard situation to explain to most people in a way that actually makes them understand what im saying...randy which was a very short lived romance was also ended by not so much a lack of intimacy but a lack of confront in it. i honestly think our intensity intimidated each other to the point of a complete fear of the others power over us, we definitely had a stronger lust than love. and i cannot dare say that it diddnt play at least a reoccurring role in my relationship with caitlin. i wondered if the gap between our "exsperience" would effect our relationship and i believe it took a greater toll on her than it did i...i am sure my fear of physical intimacey and lack of experience frustrated her at best. and i wish i knew how to apologize for that, but it seems to be one of those things that should be left unsaid because there is no right way to talk about it.
But of course, who is to decide the actual reason for a fallen relationship, it is rarely ever the one who is dumped, and i will remind you that it was i left standing at the end of these three relationships. i wonder if i even have the right to ponder and decide for myself why i wasnt right for them. at most times i remind myself it is the past for a reason.
however some days, like this. while i try to put off my studying while watching the clock move much faster than it ever did in Hawaii and while constantly checking to see if i have a missed call or text i ponder this. i wonder, does my emotional intimacy repulse while my lack of physical intimacy leave people unsatisfied? am i too unbalanced to love? a concept i am terrified to ponder further....
i will assure you that i did not dare sleep with this woman that night or morning after having this intense conversation mostly on the mere fact of how hypocritical it would make me and also because i was so FUCKING TIRED. i hope that didnt repulse her. and i hope im not thinking of her too much. but the memory of me wanting to sleep with her leaves me some comfort to hold on to. even if i CANT be close to people physically, at least i still hold the desire to. at least that part of my emotions and body works. could you imagine a teenage girl with absolutely no desire to sleep with another BEAUTIFUL teenage girl or boy? that would definitely suck.
anyways. that my thoughts at the moment. im gonna go read, cuz i dont wnat to study and then maybe ill start packing cuz i come home in four days! you best believe it and when i do i am going to definitely take care of this intimacy problem.!!!! lol
the thought of blistering cold when the is not a single cloud in the sky continues to baffle me. but here i am, the place where the impossible continues to happen. relationships, weather, time... they all seem to act very erratically and unpredictably here. maybe its just the college atmosphere, i am still unsure....
i am still a stranger and fool to the weather. And as much as i miss the weather back home i quite enjoy the surprise of looking out into the sun thinking i can put on shorts and then making my way out the door to be reassured of my mistake. the weather does not accommodate me. as i said neither does the time. i find my self with and less of it while i am here. which makes me happy and also rushed. im ready to come home. however, i am not ready for the final i must take before i come home. its all about balance.
as for relationships.... i find people here to go about things very differently than i. most relationships here start with a kiss or most often sex...a concept im still not too comfortable of familiar with. but when in rome.... haha. i've met a few interesting people few worth naming. most intriguing lately to be Kate.
Kate constantly likes to draw the connection between her name and caitlin which most times drives me crazy to the point of apparent frustration. she seems to find my frustration amusing. which is another quality im sure they both share, im trying to to think of their similarities to much considering how unhealthy it is to date the same person twice. i love caitlin but i want to make sure i dont just like kate because of the very few similarities they both share.
Kate is definitely her own person. beautiful, tall (which surprisingly intrigues me), she dances for a major company in san fran...i wont dare call her perfect...i found in the past that saying that makes people uncomfortable.... but i will say that i find her subtle imperfections to be very graceful and beautiful. its a slow confusing process and honestly i feel like i've dove into it with the wrong foot but then again i am reassured by the stanford community that this is how things are done here. i guess we'll see what happens. as for now i think i'll just call her katie a name she reverentially despises and brings her frustration. I must say, im starting to understand the pleasure in this... haha
during a discussion i had with kate in my dorm that started around 11 and lasted til sunday morning at around 5am i wondered around the idea that i might actually be incapable of intimacy. I dare not blame the demise of my last futile relationship on this fact, i know there are far larger issues that caused the end of that one, the strongest beineg that we weren't right for each other... but i can see the trend of relationships before and it is easy to draw a connection to this excuse.
I've always blamed my breakup with steven to the fact that we didnt have sex. not so much that he pressured me and i said no, because that definitely didnt happen. but because i wasnt comfortable yet and he was, i suppose we were just on different pages. i find it to be a hard situation to explain to most people in a way that actually makes them understand what im saying...randy which was a very short lived romance was also ended by not so much a lack of intimacy but a lack of confront in it. i honestly think our intensity intimidated each other to the point of a complete fear of the others power over us, we definitely had a stronger lust than love. and i cannot dare say that it diddnt play at least a reoccurring role in my relationship with caitlin. i wondered if the gap between our "exsperience" would effect our relationship and i believe it took a greater toll on her than it did i...i am sure my fear of physical intimacey and lack of experience frustrated her at best. and i wish i knew how to apologize for that, but it seems to be one of those things that should be left unsaid because there is no right way to talk about it.
But of course, who is to decide the actual reason for a fallen relationship, it is rarely ever the one who is dumped, and i will remind you that it was i left standing at the end of these three relationships. i wonder if i even have the right to ponder and decide for myself why i wasnt right for them. at most times i remind myself it is the past for a reason.
however some days, like this. while i try to put off my studying while watching the clock move much faster than it ever did in Hawaii and while constantly checking to see if i have a missed call or text i ponder this. i wonder, does my emotional intimacy repulse while my lack of physical intimacy leave people unsatisfied? am i too unbalanced to love? a concept i am terrified to ponder further....
i will assure you that i did not dare sleep with this woman that night or morning after having this intense conversation mostly on the mere fact of how hypocritical it would make me and also because i was so FUCKING TIRED. i hope that didnt repulse her. and i hope im not thinking of her too much. but the memory of me wanting to sleep with her leaves me some comfort to hold on to. even if i CANT be close to people physically, at least i still hold the desire to. at least that part of my emotions and body works. could you imagine a teenage girl with absolutely no desire to sleep with another BEAUTIFUL teenage girl or boy? that would definitely suck.
anyways. that my thoughts at the moment. im gonna go read, cuz i dont wnat to study and then maybe ill start packing cuz i come home in four days! you best believe it and when i do i am going to definitely take care of this intimacy problem.!!!! lol
Thursday, December 4, 2008
working on me
i know i cant make people change. and i've realized i dont want to change anyone except for myself. i have this problem of wanting everyone to be the best form of their person. the problem with that is that i have to inflict my own belief of what "good" is on others in order to do that. so i have a mission of just embracing the different "goods" in each person. im just gonna love people. and if that means im gonna get hurt then so be it. pain is beautiful. i want to teach myself to be happy with the parts of peoples lives they are willing to have me apart of if any at all. above all, i want to love myself enough that it doesnt matter if no one else does. i want to be able to fill my own void. and i dont know how to yet, but im gonna learn in this time of silence.
i love you guys. i hope from this that i learn to be whatever it is each of you need me to be for you. i want to be the best friend i can be to each individual i encounter... is that a ridiculous thing to want?
i love you!
i love you guys. i hope from this that i learn to be whatever it is each of you need me to be for you. i want to be the best friend i can be to each individual i encounter... is that a ridiculous thing to want?
i love you!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
its funny. but really it just hurts
its funny how people will be hurt when ditched by their best friends for their best friends boyfriend and then go and ditch their best friend for their boyfriend...
funny right?
okay, maybe not funny. maybe just stupid.
im in a mean mood.
but i still mean what i say.
know what i mean?
are you catching
i have a new poem.
im gonna burn it
its full of shit
yay
my dorm is loud
its 2:16am
and my roomate is having a nightmare and talking in her sleep
i fucking hate college
but you know what, at least i didnt stay home
it would be soo much worse to be put in the distance when you are only 15 miles away.
at least from here even if you cant feel people
you can see them better
the whole person, you know
we're all a little nearsighted when it comes to our friendships
try moving across an ocean
look back and see if you can see people different
if you cant, then you are lucky.. you have good friends
if you can. well tough shit i guess... i dont know whats next..
im just talking. whatever
luckily no one reads this fucking thing except for sommerset so i can say whatever the fuck i want.
funny right?
okay, maybe not funny. maybe just stupid.
im in a mean mood.
but i still mean what i say.
know what i mean?
are you catching
i have a new poem.
im gonna burn it
its full of shit
yay
my dorm is loud
its 2:16am
and my roomate is having a nightmare and talking in her sleep
i fucking hate college
but you know what, at least i didnt stay home
it would be soo much worse to be put in the distance when you are only 15 miles away.
at least from here even if you cant feel people
you can see them better
the whole person, you know
we're all a little nearsighted when it comes to our friendships
try moving across an ocean
look back and see if you can see people different
if you cant, then you are lucky.. you have good friends
if you can. well tough shit i guess... i dont know whats next..
im just talking. whatever
luckily no one reads this fucking thing except for sommerset so i can say whatever the fuck i want.
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