SexSexSexSEX: the begining of all good stanford relationships

someone told me. All stanford relationships starts with sex... hmmmm. i am continuously baffled by my existence here

the thought of blistering cold when the is not a single cloud in the sky continues to baffle me. but here i am, the place where the impossible continues to happen. relationships, weather, time... they all seem to act very erratically and unpredictably here. maybe its just the college atmosphere, i am still unsure....

i am still a stranger and fool to the weather. And as much as i miss the weather back home i quite enjoy the surprise of looking out into the sun thinking i can put on shorts and then making my way out the door to be reassured of my mistake. the weather does not accommodate me. as i said neither does the time. i find my self with and less of it while i am here. which makes me happy and also rushed. im ready to come home. however, i am not ready for the final i must take before i come home. its all about balance.

as for relationships.... i find people here to go about things very differently than i. most relationships here start with a kiss or most often sex...a concept im still not too comfortable of familiar with. but when in rome.... haha. i've met a few interesting people few worth naming. most intriguing lately to be Kate.

Kate constantly likes to draw the connection between her name and caitlin which most times drives me crazy to the point of apparent frustration. she seems to find my frustration amusing. which is another quality im sure they both share, im trying to to think of their similarities to much considering how unhealthy it is to date the same person twice. i love caitlin but i want to make sure i dont just like kate because of the very few similarities they both share.

Kate is definitely her own person. beautiful, tall (which surprisingly intrigues me), she dances for a major company in san fran...i wont dare call her perfect...i found in the past that saying that makes people uncomfortable.... but i will say that i find her subtle imperfections to be very graceful and beautiful. its a slow confusing process and honestly i feel like i've dove into it with the wrong foot but then again i am reassured by the stanford community that this is how things are done here. i guess we'll see what happens. as for now i think i'll just call her katie a name she reverentially despises and brings her frustration. I must say, im starting to understand the pleasure in this... haha

during a discussion i had with kate in my dorm that started around 11 and lasted til sunday morning at around 5am i wondered around the idea that i might actually be incapable of intimacy. I dare not blame the demise of my last futile relationship on this fact, i know there are far larger issues that caused the end of that one, the strongest beineg that we weren't right for each other... but i can see the trend of relationships before and it is easy to draw a connection to this excuse.

I've always blamed my breakup with steven to the fact that we didnt have sex. not so much that he pressured me and i said no, because that definitely didnt happen. but because i wasnt comfortable yet and he was, i suppose we were just on different pages. i find it to be a hard situation to explain to most people in a way that actually makes them understand what im saying...randy which was a very short lived romance was also ended by not so much a lack of intimacy but a lack of confront in it. i honestly think our intensity intimidated each other to the point of a complete fear of the others power over us, we definitely had a stronger lust than love. and i cannot dare say that it diddnt play at least a reoccurring role in my relationship with caitlin. i wondered if the gap between our "exsperience" would effect our relationship and i believe it took a greater toll on her than it did i...i am sure my fear of physical intimacey and lack of experience frustrated her at best. and i wish i knew how to apologize for that, but it seems to be one of those things that should be left unsaid because there is no right way to talk about it.

But of course, who is to decide the actual reason for a fallen relationship, it is rarely ever the one who is dumped, and i will remind you that it was i left standing at the end of these three relationships. i wonder if i even have the right to ponder and decide for myself why i wasnt right for them. at most times i remind myself it is the past for a reason.

however some days, like this. while i try to put off my studying while watching the clock move much faster than it ever did in Hawaii and while constantly checking to see if i have a missed call or text i ponder this. i wonder, does my emotional intimacy repulse while my lack of physical intimacy leave people unsatisfied? am i too unbalanced to love? a concept i am terrified to ponder further....

i will assure you that i did not dare sleep with this woman that night or morning after having this intense conversation mostly on the mere fact of how hypocritical it would make me and also because i was so FUCKING TIRED. i hope that didnt repulse her. and i hope im not thinking of her too much. but the memory of me wanting to sleep with her leaves me some comfort to hold on to. even if i CANT be close to people physically, at least i still hold the desire to. at least that part of my emotions and body works. could you imagine a teenage girl with absolutely no desire to sleep with another BEAUTIFUL teenage girl or boy? that would definitely suck.

anyways. that my thoughts at the moment. im gonna go read, cuz i dont wnat to study and then maybe ill start packing cuz i come home in four days! you best believe it and when i do i am going to definitely take care of this intimacy problem.!!!! lol