nightmare-short blog

dude i had an intense nightmare last night
elements include:
pool, baby,
chinese mafia,
hostage situation, tanks, guns, tranquilizers, family, awesome poets who are held hostage, bomb threat, university of san fransisco and hawaii.
man it was INTENSE i tell you. i'd explain the whole thing but youd prob just laugh.

people who made short camios:
my whole family, rose, some girl people i think i made up, ittai wong....

but yeah while i was home after trying to get lehua to run down the st to her own safety i tried texting people to get them to call the cops or help me cuz for some reason i couldnt call teh cops
so i texted dave (caitlins boyfriend) cuz caitlin never answers my calls or calls me back, and NOTHING happened, but i mean dont give him a hard time i texted the rest of you and still no response.... ahh so sad my life. no one wnated to save me and my family. you might want to laugh but i woke up shaking and crying. it was HELLA intense

short update

my life here kinda exploded this weekend...

realized i didnt like katie but she fell for me. i broke things off
katie then told shara (her best friend and my best friends girlfriend)that i liked her. which is true but irrelevant.

shara confronted ayana( mmy best friend and her girlfriend) about me liking shara and ayana said it was true

now ayana thinks my "more than a crsuh thing for shara is cute
shara and ayana are in a open relationship
katie has a "broken heart"
shara feels fore katie but also thinks our (mine and shara's) ralationship is really important and shara also liked me in the beginning of the year.. stupid jamaica should have said something about likening her before it was too late.

on top of all of that when i needed to talk to someone and ask for legit advice i was again reminded of my lack of importance in certain peoples lives. whatever. im fucking over it, im just trying to hold my life together here if my life back home is falling apart i dont even give a fuck anymore....

im back to the single life and the life of beineg very interested in someone i CAN NEVER HAVE. its funny to move on only to find yourself in a position you should also move on from.

katie. caitlin... exs loves. new ones. and best friends. blurred lines deserve poems.

6 months out of heartbreaks hold
I met Katie
Not meant to be confused with Caitlin
Who was my best friend
And Ex girlfriend
yes
She makes the territory hazy
Or maybe that was just me
My mistake
Im sorry

But I must say
Im scared again
So I bring up stories
Talk to new prospects about old ones past
You’ve heard the story too many times
Katie
Im sure
You know
I don’t even need to draw lines for you anymore
Im fragile and you can see the cracks from my past
No one can argue with the fact that
I’ve been broken
Far too painfully for it to fit into one nights conversation
So I stretch it and you keep listening
Honestly
I don’t get it
You Listen to my heart crack everytime I try to take a layer of my skin off so you can examine deeper
Im trying to peel for you
The only way I know how to
And I know its painful both ways to hear caitlins name in too casual a conversation
its not fair to you for me to keep this wound open

Maybe I speak
trying to scare you away but you seem to keep coming back
Im confused
And scared
Cuz I find myself wanting for you to be everything I tried but couldn’t be for Caitlin
Everything but
Broken
I Want you to sew these new stitches deep enough into my melonin to make me beautiful for once
Make me smile again
But Im scared to like you
Cuz I know if I can like you
I can love too
And if I love
I know ill hurt too
Even if you don’t want to
You have to know
Its not up to you

Trust me when I say
Sometimes the heart cracks against anyone’s wishes
And you might not even notice
Falling in love can sometimes be like falling apart
And I can make heartbreak so colorful
You’d think that I enjoyed it
think its beautiful to be broken

I promise
I’ve never been this beautiful before
Never did anyone turn a second glance when I was in one piece
A million is far more exotic
Perfection is boring
When perfection means healed and happy
Every eye looks for sorrow
While all the while my heart only looks for a tomorrow bright enough to see a future
Im sorry
I’m pessimistic and realistic about loves prospect based off past experience
I am everything I hate about those who have been hurt
I
Am
Cautious
And you seem too beautiful to be anything but reckless

And im scared
Yes
Ill say it again
Katie
You are not what I expected
And I don’t want to be hurt again by someone too beautiful to notice
And I know
You are different
I’ve heard it
But so was Caitlin
She was nothing like steven
And still
At the end I was hurt
And I don’t want you to be next

So here is what I need
I don’t want to be rushed
But I need to be pushed
Or else ill just stay stagnant
In heartbreak steel net
Waiting for another wave of courage that’ll never come to wash me back to shore
Where I can stand
I need something solid
A rock that beats Like a metronome to keep me in check
Keeps me swimming forward
Or at least keep me flouting to the surface
I need rebound that doesn’t bounce
a board that doesn’t repel
rather One that sticks

I need a magnet
Opposite
Someone who is everything I am not and cant be at the moment
Strong
Sure
Beautiful
And careful
Can you be my positive?
And I’ll stand here
Trying my best not to be negative about this situation
Try to be slow about physics pull between us
Cuz we both know that science is bullshit
and no heart flutters to the beat that can be calculated
But maybe with enough time we can calculate the distance between beats to find a space between to rest in
If even just for a moment
Find time to be whole
Mend cracks and admire the scars of history
And realize we learned from them
Can you be my rock?
Can you be my friend?
Could you possibly be
my
positive?

shortest blog EVER.

i dont like it when people say they are gonna call and then they dont because then i think they are dead. apparently i have a lot of dead friends, or maybe just one. Peace.

i have a date and a roomate with mono :)

ahh fuck. so i have a date tomorrow. with katie in the city. and its like kinda legit. i cant remember the last time i went on a legit date...hmmmm. im scared out of my mind. i dont know what to wear or what im gonna do when i drop her off. ah shit. girls make me nervous. boys are easy, i like boys i can read them. and when im out with a guy i dont have to make a move or anything i just have to show up. but girls have all these dumb rules and shit. bleh. okay. btw i think my roomate has mono. that is bad...hmmm.
okay bye :)

You are my sweetest downfall and i will not regret.

"If you were arrested for being kind to yourself.. would there be enough evidence to convict you?"

I have been told on many occasions, by someone i have for quite sometime considered to be my best friend, that i am "too hard on myself." In essence, in her opinion, i Expect too much of myself. But if i don't expect anything will i ever amount to anything more than i expect? to what level of excellence am i expected to hold myself to in order to be a good person? a better question is, can i be a good person if i am decent to those around me but only a monster to myself?

ahhhhhh. too many questions. Imagine if i had the answers, i assume that would be a lot more boring than having all the questions.

I think in a way she is right. i question myself, a lot. At some point i suppose questioning becomes suspicion which then becomes misunderstanding and as people we dislike and mistreat what we do not understand. Therefore, Transitively through questioning my existence I suppose I am hating and mistreating myself. But without someone who loves me enough to care to stop me how would I begin to end this trend. I guess you could say by pointing out my bad habits that could show as someone loving me enough to bring it to my attention but not once has she tried to stop me. Maybe I’m too hard on my best friends as well. Maybe I expect too much of the people I perceive to be the best in the world. And they are the best, If they weren’t the best I wouldn’t surround myself with them, its as simple as economics. Ahhh… I love economics. Anyways, this blog doesn’t really have a solution its purpose is only to pose a problem. That is the first step of course. Everyone says the first step to healing is admitting you have a problem right? So at least im on my way.



I decided to drop a class not really to be easier on myself but because as much as I dislike myself suicide isn’t really that appealing, at least not today, maybe tomorrow... I dropped one of my philosophy classes that was 3 units and then added another one unit course so im back up to taking 17 academic units and working about 24 hours a week. I have also been covering for a lot of other people at work as to occupy myself. I have found my work to be getting ahead of me while homesickness is catching up. it makes me sad. However, to be honest its not so much of homesickness as it is the missing of the past.

As far as I know I have fallen off the earth to one of the people I love the most. But there is not much I can do to control that. My pride is stronger than I thought, I can’t bring myself to dial 10 digits or send a text msg. So although the phone works both ways I have gotten to the point where dialing hurts too much to even consider it an option. The action alone proves to me what I’ve always feared, there are some people in your life that you will love and care for far more than they love and care for you. never the less no matter their actions you continue to love and care. They call... you answer, they cry...you come running and hope for the same in return; sometimes i guess it just doesn't work both ways...not everything in live works like a phone, hearts beineg one of the exceptions. To love a heart and care for it never promises that is will learn or want to do the same. i guess all you can hope for is that the hearts learns to want to do the same to someone willing to return to them. I suppose its selfish to expect anything more. And selfish to be so hard on those I love. I am sorry for more reasons than I can word. and still...

“...I want to run…but only far enough that you will miss me”

Unfortunately that means I must miss you all the while as I’m running. Its cold here and I miss you and I think that I need space from comfort; I just don’t know how to take it…

"You are my sweetest downfall and i will not regret...i will not regret...i loved you first...I loved you first. "



PS:
I’ve decided to end all my blogs now with something I want, may it be from the world but most often from myself or my life.

I WANT:
To embrace change actively.

I rather be dead...

I want...
someone who is more beautiful on the inside than she is on the outside
someone who smiles too much but isn't afraid to cry
someone strong enough to be weak and vulnerable
someone who's honest and loyal

and i need someone patient enough to wait for me until i am all i want... they say we only hate in others what we hate in ourselves... i wonder if love works the same way...

I'm Lonely. that's all. apparently that's not a big deal or anything new for that matter. whatever. I'm done. fuck being insightful..to be honest, I rather be dead.

Sleep and Dreams

so... for the first time since i've gotten to California i had a full nights sleep.
i went to bed at around 2 and woke up at 12. thats about 10 hours for those of you who are mathematically challenged. and so become of my long night's rest i actually had the opportunity to enter a sleep state deep enough to create my own reality comparable to that of the one we live in the day. in simple terms, i had a dream. and it was somewhat disturbing and painful but it was still a dream.

im not gonna give complete details but basically i was in the Honolulu airport about to leave for college for the first time and someone who definitely should not have kissed me leaned in and kissed me and i basically i fell back into this bad pattern and got led on and crashed bad. haha. it was pretty fucked up. and really bizarre the way things played out.

anywasy besides that, california is okay. i havent had the chance to really settle in because chris is here and he's really starting to irritate me. but yeah i kinda just wnat to get back into the college life phase and hang out with my stanford friends since im stuck here and basically go to partys and do my home work and be lazy and eat when i want to without having to babysit someone. oh and ive been getting a lot of shit for not drinking or smoking... oh well...

my schedule is starting to take a toll on my body and im trying to keep it fomr affecting my emotions. but the worst part is i haven't even started really working. shit is about to get a lot harder pretty quickly. but im sure ill figure it out. aside from that everything is cool. its hard tho because i know everyone has to go on with their life while im gone but i already kind of feel like the first thing that gets drops when the load is to heavy if that makes any sense. i just want to be apart of hawaii even if i am in the distance but it seems like no one (including myself) has the time to keep me involve in his/her life and it sucks.

oh well i'll write more later i have to go to a gig and then start reading for my homework. lkasjfd;lkasjdf;lkasjdf;lkasjfl;kasjdlkfjas;lkdjf

love you guys. really i do. and i miss you all!

ps: in case you were wondering... i ate today.

STANFORD HERE I AM

here is Stanford update number one...
its about 10:30 ish and i've been running around nonstop since about 9.
my first class was at 10 my second class at 11 my third at 1 forth at 2 and fifth at 3 until 5. then i went to my dorm and tried to eat but was too tired so was researching stuff for caitlin. then i started work at 630 and here i still am. ITS BEEN SOOO CRAZY. i'm tired and really confused on weather or not i have homework.

good ting is as i havent had a chance to get homesick just yet. i mean yeah i miss you guys but im keeping really busy. some people think im keeping to busy but im doing okay so far i just have to get ito a grove and ill make up a routine that works well. but what can you expect? im taking 19 academic units and working 24 hours a week. a lot of people have tried to talk me out of all this work but really its the only way i can be here. if i dont keep busy ill be too homesick to accomplish anything. and luckily i basically have a 3 day free weekend every week so i get to keep my social life too. it works. and who knows maybe everyone is right and maybe i can't balance these many classes but you never know until you try and failing a class isnt the end of the world. i need to do whatever i can to keep myself as relatively happy as possible. so i guess until i burn out completely i'll be pretty happy up here.

besides school im just trying to finalize my work schedule and get ready fro Chris to visit. Chris comes in tomorrow night so i rented a car and im gonna go watch my brothers basketball game and then pick Chris up and then probably go out to eat. hmmm. i still have to clean up my room and stuff. bleh. i need to get settled. and i need to eat soon i havent eaten yet today cuz ive been busy

so im sorry if you called today or texted and i didnt call back or reply right away its been crazy and its gonna be crazy for the next couple days if not until chris leaves.

anyways i want to fill you guys in some more but im fucking tired and im on the phone with sommerset which is a lot more appealing right now than typing. and then i have to call halia and caitlin cuz they both called me... bleh. i love you guys soo much its stressful.

bye :)

Californication...

so its about 1:30 ish and im laving in 12 hours to go back to the land of education. It hasn't completely hit me and i know this cuz i haven't cried nearly enough....idk. i guess im kinda ready to go back because at least this time i know what to expect, but at the same time i dont really like what im expecting. i dont want to hook up with random people... i dont want to fight with caitlin every other day... i dont want to lose touch with people i love... and i dont want to feel homesick. i understand that i have been given an amazing opportunity but at the same time i dont want to give up the life i have here.

im scared that regardless of how hard i try this quarter is going to be exactly the same as the last, if not worse. i wish i had prepared myself better... oh well. i have to go and pack ill check in again later.