So this morning i completed my very last freshman year assignment. It felt amazing to finish something that im actually proud of. i went into overdrive this last week and produced almost 50 pages of writing along with research to make up for slacking off this quarter. at the moment i think ill get all A's and one B. its kind of hard to say, the B is the only class that actually depends on the final paper, hopefully he likes it. but honest, i dont really give a fuck@ cuz i got it done and i did what i could and it over :)
I realize its been a long time since i've posted there are multiple reasons for that. this quarter i didnt end up dropping any classes so i had a pretty intense work load along with all the hype form the documentary and all the traveling to perform i havent had much "fun' time at the computer, i doubt that will change this summer :( and im sure jenna had something to do with not posting just cuz i spent most of my free time with her.. ahah. i need more friends.
anyways, i didnt expect to feel kind of sad about the end of the year but i do. there are some really cool people graduating and honestly, i doubt ill ever see them again and that really upsets me. i dont think ill ever get used to saying goodbye to people. i just wish i had spent more time with them :(
hmmm but on a good note i come home thursday morning/afternoon. YAY
here are my plans for the summer so far:
M-F (prob from 9-5)
work full time with Kupu- teach and make 12 bucks and hour for being at north shore! what? haha yay
M-F (5-8)
Practice with the slam team.. i miss them but im not looking forward to our practices that run like 10 hours long.. haaha
M-F (9-12)
hang out with the homies :):):)
Sat:
BEACH. sleep. read. hang out
Sunday: church, beach, sleep, read.
im going on a few trips that are already planned and im sure a few more will pop up (hopefully)
1. July: CHicago for Brave New Voices
2. South America, Columbia :) in August i believe to perform
3. Big island- end of august to teach and perform and visit family
thats all for now
just some random updates:
1. after performing for obama at the whitehouse i was inited on tour which basically will let me stay in school and perform at the same time. each show pays 500$ plus flight and stay and food :) ill basically be traveling to different colleges throughout the year to perform for them :) im sooo excited, everything is kind of just blowing up in the best way possible and i never expected it. :)
2. im also going to try my best to get into a program that would have me study at GW (sommerset's school) next spring semester). so ill be working on that app. but if i get it, its a full ride + room and board and i'd be studying poli sci. the rest of yall should find a way to study in dc too.. with me and sommer :) didnt i once here aja talking about howard? or was that just you pretending you are balck???
anyways i love you all but its early and pretty outside so im gonna go do something dorky, like ready in the sun :)
i know you miss me cuz i miss you,
Jamaica
Friday, June 5, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
its been a while
Its been almost a month since my last post and a lot has happened since then. I realize the chance that anyone will actually read this whole thing is slim because of all the finals coming up so im gonna try my best to keep it short and separate it into to section so you can pick which parts of my life you wanted to be clued in on. but before i begin i want to let everyone know how much i miss you guys and cant wait to be home so we can all party in somersets garage because we all know thats wayyy cooler than chillin in the living rooom :P also sommers car is gone so we can all actually park :P
SCHOOL
I am doing okay in school, nothing amazing and nothing too bad, I HOPE. i only had two finals this quarter and the first one was monday morning at 830 and my last one is tomorrow at 7pm. Chances are im going to have one Pass, one A-, hopefully one B- and most likely a C in Sleep and Dreams. I really need to step up next quarter but its hard when you really dislike what you are taking. Hopefully i do better at picking interesting classes for the spring. Currently i am signed up for 31 units next quarter (which is illegal, 20 is the max) but i am going to start with all those classes for the first week and a half and then ill drop the ones that arent interesting. <<YAY for older girlfriends who are soo much smarter. Other than that i am planning on being back here next fall and im thinking about living with jenna just for fall quarter but that is also up in the air. i realize this is really soon so we still need to think about it and talk through it. but Jenna is going abroad in the winter so i want to spend as much time with her as possible. just in case you are interested i am signed up for:
1. Sociology 1
2. indigenous identity and Diaspora
3. linguistics 1
4. English 90 ( Creative Writing)- you basically leave the class with a solid 20 page story
5. IHUM: rebellious Daughters ( unfortunately i cant drop this one)
6. Gender and Sexuality in Schools
7.American Studies 202 (history of the American Families)
ill let you know what the final schedule ends up looking like. :)
FAMILY
Family is good, i think. I havent really gotten to talk to them much lately but ill be home in less than a moth so ill be able to spend a little time with the family then. I realized a few weeks ago that since i have been up here for winter quarter i havent talked to lehua once and so the past couple weeks ive been trying to get a hold of her. i finally got to talk to her on monday :) which was nice. Duncan keeps going back and forth being single and taken... tiana and duncan are the california version of sommerset and JT except tiana is the idiot :p. Halia has been dealing with the death of her best friend when she was 8 a lot more lately cuz she recently found out it was a murder suicide which is hard to deal with at any age but especially at her age.. as far as i know, mom and dad are both in good heath and still married. :) lol.
LOVE
this section is easy. JENNA!!!!! i love her very much. THINGS are great. not perfect but i like that. just an update: jenna will be in hawaii in april with me and hopefully again in august. im hoping to go to boston next winter break to hang out with her and her faimly, her mom invited me when i told her i had never seen snow. i think they really like me which is nice... except jennas parents arent happy thats shes skipping school to come to hawaii in april.. OOoPS.. anyways we have been only dating for about 6 weeks which is crazy when you think about how quickly everything has been moving. its nuts... but i love her. spring break is going to be hard cuz its 8 days without seeing each other which is the longest we have ever gone but it will make us stronger.
TRAVEL
I have traveled a lot this year. i just got back from Philly and im about to go to DC to hang out with Sommerset!!!! i cant wait its gonna be soo much fun. also i head home in april which you guys already know and then hopefully ill hit up hilo for a bit when i home tis summer. im also going to chicago for nationals :) that will be fun.
SLAM
i was recently in Philly for the national College poetry slam and that was interesting. i have been giving a lot of thought lately to retiring after this years youth nationals. im kinda getting tired of being scores and slam has become more of a job and chore than an actually activity. we'll see. Anyways college nationals is WAYYY to much drama for me and i dont think ill be back there again which makes me believe that adult nationals wont be that fun either. :( oh well i figure something out soon. in case you werent aware the reason ill be home in april is to try out again for the hawaii team to go to Chicago this summer to compete. this is my last year of eligibility and i wnat to go out with a bang :) and then after the summer ill evaluate if i want to continue doing what i have been doing.
HBO
the HBO doc starts april 5th at 11pm but ive already seen the first 5 episodes which were pretty good. im excited to see the rest cuz episode 6 & 7 are semifinals and finals which were definitely my favorite part of the festival :) if you dont have HBO you will be able to watch it online at the youthspeaks website. www.youthspeaks.org happy WATCHING :)
WORK/PLANS FOR THE SUMMER
i worked upwards of 20 hours a week this quarter and ill probably do the same next quarter. as for this summer ill be working for a few non-profits while getting paid by Stanford 12$/hr to basically help out the hawaiian community. this is a project im actually really excited for. ill have to work 40 hours a week but ill have my weekends to go to the beach and my nights to party with my friends. im excited :)
Anyways thats all for now, jenna is studying so i should study too. :)
i love you all and ill see u guys soon!!!!! :P
SCHOOL
I am doing okay in school, nothing amazing and nothing too bad, I HOPE. i only had two finals this quarter and the first one was monday morning at 830 and my last one is tomorrow at 7pm. Chances are im going to have one Pass, one A-, hopefully one B- and most likely a C in Sleep and Dreams. I really need to step up next quarter but its hard when you really dislike what you are taking. Hopefully i do better at picking interesting classes for the spring. Currently i am signed up for 31 units next quarter (which is illegal, 20 is the max) but i am going to start with all those classes for the first week and a half and then ill drop the ones that arent interesting. <<
1. Sociology 1
2. indigenous identity and Diaspora
3. linguistics 1
4. English 90 ( Creative Writing)- you basically leave the class with a solid 20 page story
5. IHUM: rebellious Daughters ( unfortunately i cant drop this one)
6. Gender and Sexuality in Schools
7.American Studies 202 (history of the American Families)
ill let you know what the final schedule ends up looking like. :)
FAMILY
Family is good, i think. I havent really gotten to talk to them much lately but ill be home in less than a moth so ill be able to spend a little time with the family then. I realized a few weeks ago that since i have been up here for winter quarter i havent talked to lehua once and so the past couple weeks ive been trying to get a hold of her. i finally got to talk to her on monday :) which was nice. Duncan keeps going back and forth being single and taken... tiana and duncan are the california version of sommerset and JT except tiana is the idiot :p. Halia has been dealing with the death of her best friend when she was 8 a lot more lately cuz she recently found out it was a murder suicide which is hard to deal with at any age but especially at her age.. as far as i know, mom and dad are both in good heath and still married. :) lol.
LOVE
this section is easy. JENNA!!!!! i love her very much. THINGS are great. not perfect but i like that. just an update: jenna will be in hawaii in april with me and hopefully again in august. im hoping to go to boston next winter break to hang out with her and her faimly, her mom invited me when i told her i had never seen snow. i think they really like me which is nice... except jennas parents arent happy thats shes skipping school to come to hawaii in april.. OOoPS.. anyways we have been only dating for about 6 weeks which is crazy when you think about how quickly everything has been moving. its nuts... but i love her. spring break is going to be hard cuz its 8 days without seeing each other which is the longest we have ever gone but it will make us stronger.
TRAVEL
I have traveled a lot this year. i just got back from Philly and im about to go to DC to hang out with Sommerset!!!! i cant wait its gonna be soo much fun. also i head home in april which you guys already know and then hopefully ill hit up hilo for a bit when i home tis summer. im also going to chicago for nationals :) that will be fun.
SLAM
i was recently in Philly for the national College poetry slam and that was interesting. i have been giving a lot of thought lately to retiring after this years youth nationals. im kinda getting tired of being scores and slam has become more of a job and chore than an actually activity. we'll see. Anyways college nationals is WAYYY to much drama for me and i dont think ill be back there again which makes me believe that adult nationals wont be that fun either. :( oh well i figure something out soon. in case you werent aware the reason ill be home in april is to try out again for the hawaii team to go to Chicago this summer to compete. this is my last year of eligibility and i wnat to go out with a bang :) and then after the summer ill evaluate if i want to continue doing what i have been doing.
HBO
the HBO doc starts april 5th at 11pm but ive already seen the first 5 episodes which were pretty good. im excited to see the rest cuz episode 6 & 7 are semifinals and finals which were definitely my favorite part of the festival :) if you dont have HBO you will be able to watch it online at the youthspeaks website. www.youthspeaks.org happy WATCHING :)
WORK/PLANS FOR THE SUMMER
i worked upwards of 20 hours a week this quarter and ill probably do the same next quarter. as for this summer ill be working for a few non-profits while getting paid by Stanford 12$/hr to basically help out the hawaiian community. this is a project im actually really excited for. ill have to work 40 hours a week but ill have my weekends to go to the beach and my nights to party with my friends. im excited :)
Anyways thats all for now, jenna is studying so i should study too. :)
i love you all and ill see u guys soon!!!!! :P
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Ceded Lands, Civil Unions, LIfe
Ceded Lands
It seems as if for as long as i can remember the state has done wrong by the native Hawaiian people, or native people in general. Yesterday, the highest court of the land heard 30 minute testimony from both OHA and the State of Hawaii regarding the monumental Ceded Lands. The decision on this case could affect up to 1/3 of the land in hawaii and all of the prgram focused towards benefiting native Hawaiians. I dont thik people understand how big this case really is, its not just about land. its about Kamehameha, healt hcare, Lunaliho homes, QLCC and many other programs targetted towards the betterment of NATIVE people. since both sides focused their arguments suround it, its looks as of the case will be decided based of the supreme courts interpretation of the 1993 apology bill signed by Bill Clinton stating that the 1893 overthrow and 1898 annexation were both immoral and invalid. All we can do as hawaiians now is hope and pray that for the first time since our existance we are done right by the United States of America.
Civil Unions(bill 444)
This past week the State Senate has also been hearing a case that would affect all of hawaii and parts of the Continental US. If Passed Same sex couples will be given the same legal rights as opposite sex married couples. As it stands, same sex couples lack many rights provided to the larger population. many arguments aggainst same sex marrige fight to protect the "sanctity" of marrige and its institution. However, a civil union is not a mirriege it is not recognized by the church and solely rest n the law. The US constitition clearly states a seperation of church and State; however, as it stand today a institution held and protected by the church denies many rights to citizens that sounds be held solely by the state. This is a case of human rights and is just as important as the right for female voting, black voting, anti segrigation ect. If the church wants to keep homosexuals out of its sacred halls then the church shoudl keeps its "sacred" hands out of the law.
LIFE
Life is good. i have been having lots of arthritis issues but i am okay. Duncan turned 21 on the 21st and i got to hang out with him at his party. duncan eventually got way to drunk and ended up puking on Jenna, poor thing. lol. but we took care of him and he turned out okay. also, in his drunkeness he told jenna "jamaica is the closest person to me in the world, as long as she is happy and smiling i am gonn love you... thats the only important thing..." i basically started crying.. lol. im glad my brother likes her.
Jenna is officially coming to hawaii in april with me. she arrives a day later and leaves like two days earlier but im REALLY excited :). my mo already loves her and my dad is jealous im bringing someone home cuz he said he wants to spend more time with me but he'll live.
besides that, things are good im getting ready for CUPSI (college slam nationals) and GSF (Hawaii GRand Slam Finals) and trying to stay focused in school. make sure to keep april 11th free if you are in hawaii to come support me for slam.. please :) oh, and i've been invited to a pre-screaning premire of the HBO doc in san fran march 9th so ill get to see it before it airs which is kinda cool.
wish me luck: today i compete for 300 dollars in the youth slam finals in oakland. im guarenteed to win at least 100 but it would be nice to come in first :)
love,
Jamaica
It seems as if for as long as i can remember the state has done wrong by the native Hawaiian people, or native people in general. Yesterday, the highest court of the land heard 30 minute testimony from both OHA and the State of Hawaii regarding the monumental Ceded Lands. The decision on this case could affect up to 1/3 of the land in hawaii and all of the prgram focused towards benefiting native Hawaiians. I dont thik people understand how big this case really is, its not just about land. its about Kamehameha, healt hcare, Lunaliho homes, QLCC and many other programs targetted towards the betterment of NATIVE people. since both sides focused their arguments suround it, its looks as of the case will be decided based of the supreme courts interpretation of the 1993 apology bill signed by Bill Clinton stating that the 1893 overthrow and 1898 annexation were both immoral and invalid. All we can do as hawaiians now is hope and pray that for the first time since our existance we are done right by the United States of America.
Civil Unions(bill 444)
This past week the State Senate has also been hearing a case that would affect all of hawaii and parts of the Continental US. If Passed Same sex couples will be given the same legal rights as opposite sex married couples. As it stands, same sex couples lack many rights provided to the larger population. many arguments aggainst same sex marrige fight to protect the "sanctity" of marrige and its institution. However, a civil union is not a mirriege it is not recognized by the church and solely rest n the law. The US constitition clearly states a seperation of church and State; however, as it stand today a institution held and protected by the church denies many rights to citizens that sounds be held solely by the state. This is a case of human rights and is just as important as the right for female voting, black voting, anti segrigation ect. If the church wants to keep homosexuals out of its sacred halls then the church shoudl keeps its "sacred" hands out of the law.
LIFE
Life is good. i have been having lots of arthritis issues but i am okay. Duncan turned 21 on the 21st and i got to hang out with him at his party. duncan eventually got way to drunk and ended up puking on Jenna, poor thing. lol. but we took care of him and he turned out okay. also, in his drunkeness he told jenna "jamaica is the closest person to me in the world, as long as she is happy and smiling i am gonn love you... thats the only important thing..." i basically started crying.. lol. im glad my brother likes her.
Jenna is officially coming to hawaii in april with me. she arrives a day later and leaves like two days earlier but im REALLY excited :). my mo already loves her and my dad is jealous im bringing someone home cuz he said he wants to spend more time with me but he'll live.
besides that, things are good im getting ready for CUPSI (college slam nationals) and GSF (Hawaii GRand Slam Finals) and trying to stay focused in school. make sure to keep april 11th free if you are in hawaii to come support me for slam.. please :) oh, and i've been invited to a pre-screaning premire of the HBO doc in san fran march 9th so ill get to see it before it airs which is kinda cool.
wish me luck: today i compete for 300 dollars in the youth slam finals in oakland. im guarenteed to win at least 100 but it would be nice to come in first :)
love,
Jamaica
Monday, February 16, 2009
long overdue life update.
my last blog was over a week ago :( and a lot has happened since.
school is school, im staying afloat.. i had too midterms and i did okay on both, not as good as i had hoped but im okay. bleh
jenna and i are officially dating and its working out nicely, ayana still isnt talking to me and im starting to notice that i really dont have any platonic friends here and i feel like somehow im burning bridges back home :( idk. things are changing and i feel like theres a growing distance between me and the people i love and the more i try to fill it the more frustrated i get.
bleh
i went to a slam on thursday and qualified for another slam wher ethe prize money is 1k :) so the next slam is next thursday. problem is my phone got stolen while i was at the slam which sucks really bad but i have an iphone on its way in the mail.. hopefully ill get it by wednesday but more realistically it will be here by thursday :(. hmmm what else happened...
friday night teraa (jenna's dorm) had a party called "sex" haha.. i dont know what the party was like cuz me n jenna never left her room. :/ but i bet it was fun
(check calender)*
oh yeah VALENTINES DAY :)
so valentines morning jenna and i exchanged homeade valentines :) and CD's and we both had roses delivered to each others dorms. sad thing is i dont sleep at my dorm so i didnt get mine til later. then i went to work and jenna went shopping. jenna took me out to dinner which was really fun an dthen we went to a mascarade ball thing which was also really fun but then i got high so i just wnated to go back to the room and shit.
thats about it sunday and today were just lazy days. but good. i have a project i should be working on. bleh. but i love you guys and miss you all like fucking crazy...
school is school, im staying afloat.. i had too midterms and i did okay on both, not as good as i had hoped but im okay. bleh
jenna and i are officially dating and its working out nicely, ayana still isnt talking to me and im starting to notice that i really dont have any platonic friends here and i feel like somehow im burning bridges back home :( idk. things are changing and i feel like theres a growing distance between me and the people i love and the more i try to fill it the more frustrated i get.
bleh
i went to a slam on thursday and qualified for another slam wher ethe prize money is 1k :) so the next slam is next thursday. problem is my phone got stolen while i was at the slam which sucks really bad but i have an iphone on its way in the mail.. hopefully ill get it by wednesday but more realistically it will be here by thursday :(. hmmm what else happened...
friday night teraa (jenna's dorm) had a party called "sex" haha.. i dont know what the party was like cuz me n jenna never left her room. :/ but i bet it was fun
(check calender)*
oh yeah VALENTINES DAY :)
so valentines morning jenna and i exchanged homeade valentines :) and CD's and we both had roses delivered to each others dorms. sad thing is i dont sleep at my dorm so i didnt get mine til later. then i went to work and jenna went shopping. jenna took me out to dinner which was really fun an dthen we went to a mascarade ball thing which was also really fun but then i got high so i just wnated to go back to the room and shit.
thats about it sunday and today were just lazy days. but good. i have a project i should be working on. bleh. but i love you guys and miss you all like fucking crazy...
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Thats what She said
i have a midterm tomorrow so this will be short cuz i have to study.
i dont have time to go into the details of how i lost my best friend but it happened. and it really sucks but im doing alright. I am dating Jenna now which is amazing. I havent slept in my dorm in a week, its kinda crazy. i have somehow found myself in this VERRy intense pysical and emotional relationship an dit kinda came out of no where. i am trying to take things slow but i've pretty muched already moved in and last night jenna said thta she thinks shes in love with me which is kinda trerrrifying to say the least. and its weird i keep having this urge to tell her i love you but i dont know if thats just, bleh...idk.
i am really tired, we've finally gotten to the pont where we can actually SLEEP in the same bed but the intensity of our chemistry is kinda crazy sometimes.
anywasy i just wanted you all to know that im dating, im happy, i smile a lot more:) haha. jk. only for a little while
i dont have time to go into the details of how i lost my best friend but it happened. and it really sucks but im doing alright. I am dating Jenna now which is amazing. I havent slept in my dorm in a week, its kinda crazy. i have somehow found myself in this VERRy intense pysical and emotional relationship an dit kinda came out of no where. i am trying to take things slow but i've pretty muched already moved in and last night jenna said thta she thinks shes in love with me which is kinda trerrrifying to say the least. and its weird i keep having this urge to tell her i love you but i dont know if thats just, bleh...idk.
i am really tired, we've finally gotten to the pont where we can actually SLEEP in the same bed but the intensity of our chemistry is kinda crazy sometimes.
anywasy i just wanted you all to know that im dating, im happy, i smile a lot more:) haha. jk. only for a little while
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
one sentance.
all im going to say is: its good that girls can't get girls pregnant or i'd be double fucked! :) oh too many stories to tell you.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
short: i slept with her
things are crazy.
but here's a short update.
i slept over with jenna last night.
she's beautiful
and i'm really confused but its okay, because she is beautiful.
we talked til 4am and she asked me last night "Jamaica, are you legitimately over Caitlin"
and i told her "i dont know, but lately i've felt a lot more full and a lot less broken"
aww fuck life is beautiful, o so beautiful.
but here's a short update.
i slept over with jenna last night.
she's beautiful
and i'm really confused but its okay, because she is beautiful.
we talked til 4am and she asked me last night "Jamaica, are you legitimately over Caitlin"
and i told her "i dont know, but lately i've felt a lot more full and a lot less broken"
aww fuck life is beautiful, o so beautiful.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
nightmare-short blog
dude i had an intense nightmare last night
elements include:
pool, baby,
chinese mafia,
hostage situation, tanks, guns, tranquilizers, family, awesome poets who are held hostage, bomb threat, university of san fransisco and hawaii.
man it was INTENSE i tell you. i'd explain the whole thing but youd prob just laugh.
people who made short camios:
my whole family, rose, some girl people i think i made up, ittai wong....
but yeah while i was home after trying to get lehua to run down the st to her own safety i tried texting people to get them to call the cops or help me cuz for some reason i couldnt call teh cops
so i texted dave (caitlins boyfriend) cuz caitlin never answers my calls or calls me back, and NOTHING happened, but i mean dont give him a hard time i texted the rest of you and still no response.... ahh so sad my life. no one wnated to save me and my family. you might want to laugh but i woke up shaking and crying. it was HELLA intense
elements include:
pool, baby,
chinese mafia,
hostage situation, tanks, guns, tranquilizers, family, awesome poets who are held hostage, bomb threat, university of san fransisco and hawaii.
man it was INTENSE i tell you. i'd explain the whole thing but youd prob just laugh.
people who made short camios:
my whole family, rose, some girl people i think i made up, ittai wong....
but yeah while i was home after trying to get lehua to run down the st to her own safety i tried texting people to get them to call the cops or help me cuz for some reason i couldnt call teh cops
so i texted dave (caitlins boyfriend) cuz caitlin never answers my calls or calls me back, and NOTHING happened, but i mean dont give him a hard time i texted the rest of you and still no response.... ahh so sad my life. no one wnated to save me and my family. you might want to laugh but i woke up shaking and crying. it was HELLA intense
Monday, January 26, 2009
short update
my life here kinda exploded this weekend...
realized i didnt like katie but she fell for me. i broke things off
katie then told shara (her best friend and my best friends girlfriend)that i liked her. which is true but irrelevant.
shara confronted ayana( mmy best friend and her girlfriend) about me liking shara and ayana said it was true
now ayana thinks my "more than a crsuh thing for shara is cute
shara and ayana are in a open relationship
katie has a "broken heart"
shara feels fore katie but also thinks our (mine and shara's) ralationship is really important and shara also liked me in the beginning of the year.. stupid jamaica should have said something about likening her before it was too late.
on top of all of that when i needed to talk to someone and ask for legit advice i was again reminded of my lack of importance in certain peoples lives. whatever. im fucking over it, im just trying to hold my life together here if my life back home is falling apart i dont even give a fuck anymore....
im back to the single life and the life of beineg very interested in someone i CAN NEVER HAVE. its funny to move on only to find yourself in a position you should also move on from.
realized i didnt like katie but she fell for me. i broke things off
katie then told shara (her best friend and my best friends girlfriend)that i liked her. which is true but irrelevant.
shara confronted ayana( mmy best friend and her girlfriend) about me liking shara and ayana said it was true
now ayana thinks my "more than a crsuh thing for shara is cute
shara and ayana are in a open relationship
katie has a "broken heart"
shara feels fore katie but also thinks our (mine and shara's) ralationship is really important and shara also liked me in the beginning of the year.. stupid jamaica should have said something about likening her before it was too late.
on top of all of that when i needed to talk to someone and ask for legit advice i was again reminded of my lack of importance in certain peoples lives. whatever. im fucking over it, im just trying to hold my life together here if my life back home is falling apart i dont even give a fuck anymore....
im back to the single life and the life of beineg very interested in someone i CAN NEVER HAVE. its funny to move on only to find yourself in a position you should also move on from.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
katie. caitlin... exs loves. new ones. and best friends. blurred lines deserve poems.
6 months out of heartbreaks hold
I met Katie
Not meant to be confused with Caitlin
Who was my best friend
And Ex girlfriend
yes
She makes the territory hazy
Or maybe that was just me
My mistake
Im sorry
But I must say
Im scared again
So I bring up stories
Talk to new prospects about old ones past
You’ve heard the story too many times
Katie
Im sure
You know
I don’t even need to draw lines for you anymore
Im fragile and you can see the cracks from my past
No one can argue with the fact that
I’ve been broken
Far too painfully for it to fit into one nights conversation
So I stretch it and you keep listening
Honestly
I don’t get it
You Listen to my heart crack everytime I try to take a layer of my skin off so you can examine deeper
Im trying to peel for you
The only way I know how to
And I know its painful both ways to hear caitlins name in too casual a conversation
its not fair to you for me to keep this wound open
Maybe I speak
trying to scare you away but you seem to keep coming back
Im confused
And scared
Cuz I find myself wanting for you to be everything I tried but couldn’t be for Caitlin
Everything but
Broken
I Want you to sew these new stitches deep enough into my melonin to make me beautiful for once
Make me smile again
But Im scared to like you
Cuz I know if I can like you
I can love too
And if I love
I know ill hurt too
Even if you don’t want to
You have to know
Its not up to you
Trust me when I say
Sometimes the heart cracks against anyone’s wishes
And you might not even notice
Falling in love can sometimes be like falling apart
And I can make heartbreak so colorful
You’d think that I enjoyed it
think its beautiful to be broken
I promise
I’ve never been this beautiful before
Never did anyone turn a second glance when I was in one piece
A million is far more exotic
Perfection is boring
When perfection means healed and happy
Every eye looks for sorrow
While all the while my heart only looks for a tomorrow bright enough to see a future
Im sorry
I’m pessimistic and realistic about loves prospect based off past experience
I am everything I hate about those who have been hurt
I
Am
Cautious
And you seem too beautiful to be anything but reckless
And im scared
Yes
Ill say it again
Katie
You are not what I expected
And I don’t want to be hurt again by someone too beautiful to notice
And I know
You are different
I’ve heard it
But so was Caitlin
She was nothing like steven
And still
At the end I was hurt
And I don’t want you to be next
So here is what I need
I don’t want to be rushed
But I need to be pushed
Or else ill just stay stagnant
In heartbreak steel net
Waiting for another wave of courage that’ll never come to wash me back to shore
Where I can stand
I need something solid
A rock that beats Like a metronome to keep me in check
Keeps me swimming forward
Or at least keep me flouting to the surface
I need rebound that doesn’t bounce
a board that doesn’t repel
rather One that sticks
I need a magnet
Opposite
Someone who is everything I am not and cant be at the moment
Strong
Sure
Beautiful
And careful
Can you be my positive?
And I’ll stand here
Trying my best not to be negative about this situation
Try to be slow about physics pull between us
Cuz we both know that science is bullshit
and no heart flutters to the beat that can be calculated
But maybe with enough time we can calculate the distance between beats to find a space between to rest in
If even just for a moment
Find time to be whole
Mend cracks and admire the scars of history
And realize we learned from them
Can you be my rock?
Can you be my friend?
Could you possibly be
my
positive?
I met Katie
Not meant to be confused with Caitlin
Who was my best friend
And Ex girlfriend
yes
She makes the territory hazy
Or maybe that was just me
My mistake
Im sorry
But I must say
Im scared again
So I bring up stories
Talk to new prospects about old ones past
You’ve heard the story too many times
Katie
Im sure
You know
I don’t even need to draw lines for you anymore
Im fragile and you can see the cracks from my past
No one can argue with the fact that
I’ve been broken
Far too painfully for it to fit into one nights conversation
So I stretch it and you keep listening
Honestly
I don’t get it
You Listen to my heart crack everytime I try to take a layer of my skin off so you can examine deeper
Im trying to peel for you
The only way I know how to
And I know its painful both ways to hear caitlins name in too casual a conversation
its not fair to you for me to keep this wound open
Maybe I speak
trying to scare you away but you seem to keep coming back
Im confused
And scared
Cuz I find myself wanting for you to be everything I tried but couldn’t be for Caitlin
Everything but
Broken
I Want you to sew these new stitches deep enough into my melonin to make me beautiful for once
Make me smile again
But Im scared to like you
Cuz I know if I can like you
I can love too
And if I love
I know ill hurt too
Even if you don’t want to
You have to know
Its not up to you
Trust me when I say
Sometimes the heart cracks against anyone’s wishes
And you might not even notice
Falling in love can sometimes be like falling apart
And I can make heartbreak so colorful
You’d think that I enjoyed it
think its beautiful to be broken
I promise
I’ve never been this beautiful before
Never did anyone turn a second glance when I was in one piece
A million is far more exotic
Perfection is boring
When perfection means healed and happy
Every eye looks for sorrow
While all the while my heart only looks for a tomorrow bright enough to see a future
Im sorry
I’m pessimistic and realistic about loves prospect based off past experience
I am everything I hate about those who have been hurt
I
Am
Cautious
And you seem too beautiful to be anything but reckless
And im scared
Yes
Ill say it again
Katie
You are not what I expected
And I don’t want to be hurt again by someone too beautiful to notice
And I know
You are different
I’ve heard it
But so was Caitlin
She was nothing like steven
And still
At the end I was hurt
And I don’t want you to be next
So here is what I need
I don’t want to be rushed
But I need to be pushed
Or else ill just stay stagnant
In heartbreak steel net
Waiting for another wave of courage that’ll never come to wash me back to shore
Where I can stand
I need something solid
A rock that beats Like a metronome to keep me in check
Keeps me swimming forward
Or at least keep me flouting to the surface
I need rebound that doesn’t bounce
a board that doesn’t repel
rather One that sticks
I need a magnet
Opposite
Someone who is everything I am not and cant be at the moment
Strong
Sure
Beautiful
And careful
Can you be my positive?
And I’ll stand here
Trying my best not to be negative about this situation
Try to be slow about physics pull between us
Cuz we both know that science is bullshit
and no heart flutters to the beat that can be calculated
But maybe with enough time we can calculate the distance between beats to find a space between to rest in
If even just for a moment
Find time to be whole
Mend cracks and admire the scars of history
And realize we learned from them
Can you be my rock?
Can you be my friend?
Could you possibly be
my
positive?
Sunday, January 18, 2009
shortest blog EVER.
i dont like it when people say they are gonna call and then they dont because then i think they are dead. apparently i have a lot of dead friends, or maybe just one. Peace.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
i have a date and a roomate with mono :)
ahh fuck. so i have a date tomorrow. with katie in the city. and its like kinda legit. i cant remember the last time i went on a legit date...hmmmm. im scared out of my mind. i dont know what to wear or what im gonna do when i drop her off. ah shit. girls make me nervous. boys are easy, i like boys i can read them. and when im out with a guy i dont have to make a move or anything i just have to show up. but girls have all these dumb rules and shit. bleh. okay. btw i think my roomate has mono. that is bad...hmmm.
okay bye :)
okay bye :)
Monday, January 12, 2009
You are my sweetest downfall and i will not regret.
"If you were arrested for being kind to yourself.. would there be enough evidence to convict you?"
I have been told on many occasions, by someone i have for quite sometime considered to be my best friend, that i am "too hard on myself." In essence, in her opinion, i Expect too much of myself. But if i don't expect anything will i ever amount to anything more than i expect? to what level of excellence am i expected to hold myself to in order to be a good person? a better question is, can i be a good person if i am decent to those around me but only a monster to myself?
ahhhhhh. too many questions. Imagine if i had the answers, i assume that would be a lot more boring than having all the questions.
I think in a way she is right. i question myself, a lot. At some point i suppose questioning becomes suspicion which then becomes misunderstanding and as people we dislike and mistreat what we do not understand. Therefore, Transitively through questioning my existence I suppose I am hating and mistreating myself. But without someone who loves me enough to care to stop me how would I begin to end this trend. I guess you could say by pointing out my bad habits that could show as someone loving me enough to bring it to my attention but not once has she tried to stop me. Maybe I’m too hard on my best friends as well. Maybe I expect too much of the people I perceive to be the best in the world. And they are the best, If they weren’t the best I wouldn’t surround myself with them, its as simple as economics. Ahhh… I love economics. Anyways, this blog doesn’t really have a solution its purpose is only to pose a problem. That is the first step of course. Everyone says the first step to healing is admitting you have a problem right? So at least im on my way.
I decided to drop a class not really to be easier on myself but because as much as I dislike myself suicide isn’t really that appealing, at least not today, maybe tomorrow... I dropped one of my philosophy classes that was 3 units and then added another one unit course so im back up to taking 17 academic units and working about 24 hours a week. I have also been covering for a lot of other people at work as to occupy myself. I have found my work to be getting ahead of me while homesickness is catching up. it makes me sad. However, to be honest its not so much of homesickness as it is the missing of the past.
As far as I know I have fallen off the earth to one of the people I love the most. But there is not much I can do to control that. My pride is stronger than I thought, I can’t bring myself to dial 10 digits or send a text msg. So although the phone works both ways I have gotten to the point where dialing hurts too much to even consider it an option. The action alone proves to me what I’ve always feared, there are some people in your life that you will love and care for far more than they love and care for you. never the less no matter their actions you continue to love and care. They call... you answer, they cry...you come running and hope for the same in return; sometimes i guess it just doesn't work both ways...not everything in live works like a phone, hearts beineg one of the exceptions. To love a heart and care for it never promises that is will learn or want to do the same. i guess all you can hope for is that the hearts learns to want to do the same to someone willing to return to them. I suppose its selfish to expect anything more. And selfish to be so hard on those I love. I am sorry for more reasons than I can word. and still...
“...I want to run…but only far enough that you will miss me”
Unfortunately that means I must miss you all the while as I’m running. Its cold here and I miss you and I think that I need space from comfort; I just don’t know how to take it…
"You are my sweetest downfall and i will not regret...i will not regret...i loved you first...I loved you first. "
PS:
I’ve decided to end all my blogs now with something I want, may it be from the world but most often from myself or my life.
I WANT:
To embrace change actively.
I have been told on many occasions, by someone i have for quite sometime considered to be my best friend, that i am "too hard on myself." In essence, in her opinion, i Expect too much of myself. But if i don't expect anything will i ever amount to anything more than i expect? to what level of excellence am i expected to hold myself to in order to be a good person? a better question is, can i be a good person if i am decent to those around me but only a monster to myself?
ahhhhhh. too many questions. Imagine if i had the answers, i assume that would be a lot more boring than having all the questions.
I think in a way she is right. i question myself, a lot. At some point i suppose questioning becomes suspicion which then becomes misunderstanding and as people we dislike and mistreat what we do not understand. Therefore, Transitively through questioning my existence I suppose I am hating and mistreating myself. But without someone who loves me enough to care to stop me how would I begin to end this trend. I guess you could say by pointing out my bad habits that could show as someone loving me enough to bring it to my attention but not once has she tried to stop me. Maybe I’m too hard on my best friends as well. Maybe I expect too much of the people I perceive to be the best in the world. And they are the best, If they weren’t the best I wouldn’t surround myself with them, its as simple as economics. Ahhh… I love economics. Anyways, this blog doesn’t really have a solution its purpose is only to pose a problem. That is the first step of course. Everyone says the first step to healing is admitting you have a problem right? So at least im on my way.
I decided to drop a class not really to be easier on myself but because as much as I dislike myself suicide isn’t really that appealing, at least not today, maybe tomorrow... I dropped one of my philosophy classes that was 3 units and then added another one unit course so im back up to taking 17 academic units and working about 24 hours a week. I have also been covering for a lot of other people at work as to occupy myself. I have found my work to be getting ahead of me while homesickness is catching up. it makes me sad. However, to be honest its not so much of homesickness as it is the missing of the past.
As far as I know I have fallen off the earth to one of the people I love the most. But there is not much I can do to control that. My pride is stronger than I thought, I can’t bring myself to dial 10 digits or send a text msg. So although the phone works both ways I have gotten to the point where dialing hurts too much to even consider it an option. The action alone proves to me what I’ve always feared, there are some people in your life that you will love and care for far more than they love and care for you. never the less no matter their actions you continue to love and care. They call... you answer, they cry...you come running and hope for the same in return; sometimes i guess it just doesn't work both ways...not everything in live works like a phone, hearts beineg one of the exceptions. To love a heart and care for it never promises that is will learn or want to do the same. i guess all you can hope for is that the hearts learns to want to do the same to someone willing to return to them. I suppose its selfish to expect anything more. And selfish to be so hard on those I love. I am sorry for more reasons than I can word. and still...
“...I want to run…but only far enough that you will miss me”
Unfortunately that means I must miss you all the while as I’m running. Its cold here and I miss you and I think that I need space from comfort; I just don’t know how to take it…
"You are my sweetest downfall and i will not regret...i will not regret...i loved you first...I loved you first. "
PS:
I’ve decided to end all my blogs now with something I want, may it be from the world but most often from myself or my life.
I WANT:
To embrace change actively.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
I rather be dead...
I want...
someone who is more beautiful on the inside than she is on the outside
someone who smiles too much but isn't afraid to cry
someone strong enough to be weak and vulnerable
someone who's honest and loyal
and i need someone patient enough to wait for me until i am all i want... they say we only hate in others what we hate in ourselves... i wonder if love works the same way...
I'm Lonely. that's all. apparently that's not a big deal or anything new for that matter. whatever. I'm done. fuck being insightful..to be honest, I rather be dead.
someone who is more beautiful on the inside than she is on the outside
someone who smiles too much but isn't afraid to cry
someone strong enough to be weak and vulnerable
someone who's honest and loyal
and i need someone patient enough to wait for me until i am all i want... they say we only hate in others what we hate in ourselves... i wonder if love works the same way...
I'm Lonely. that's all. apparently that's not a big deal or anything new for that matter. whatever. I'm done. fuck being insightful..to be honest, I rather be dead.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Sleep and Dreams
so... for the first time since i've gotten to California i had a full nights sleep.
i went to bed at around 2 and woke up at 12. thats about 10 hours for those of you who are mathematically challenged. and so become of my long night's rest i actually had the opportunity to enter a sleep state deep enough to create my own reality comparable to that of the one we live in the day. in simple terms, i had a dream. and it was somewhat disturbing and painful but it was still a dream.
im not gonna give complete details but basically i was in the Honolulu airport about to leave for college for the first time and someone who definitely should not have kissed me leaned in and kissed me and i basically i fell back into this bad pattern and got led on and crashed bad. haha. it was pretty fucked up. and really bizarre the way things played out.
anywasy besides that, california is okay. i havent had the chance to really settle in because chris is here and he's really starting to irritate me. but yeah i kinda just wnat to get back into the college life phase and hang out with my stanford friends since im stuck here and basically go to partys and do my home work and be lazy and eat when i want to without having to babysit someone. oh and ive been getting a lot of shit for not drinking or smoking... oh well...
my schedule is starting to take a toll on my body and im trying to keep it fomr affecting my emotions. but the worst part is i haven't even started really working. shit is about to get a lot harder pretty quickly. but im sure ill figure it out. aside from that everything is cool. its hard tho because i know everyone has to go on with their life while im gone but i already kind of feel like the first thing that gets drops when the load is to heavy if that makes any sense. i just want to be apart of hawaii even if i am in the distance but it seems like no one (including myself) has the time to keep me involve in his/her life and it sucks.
oh well i'll write more later i have to go to a gig and then start reading for my homework. lkasjfd;lkasjdf;lkasjdf;lkasjfl;kasjdlkfjas;lkdjf
love you guys. really i do. and i miss you all!
ps: in case you were wondering... i ate today.
i went to bed at around 2 and woke up at 12. thats about 10 hours for those of you who are mathematically challenged. and so become of my long night's rest i actually had the opportunity to enter a sleep state deep enough to create my own reality comparable to that of the one we live in the day. in simple terms, i had a dream. and it was somewhat disturbing and painful but it was still a dream.
im not gonna give complete details but basically i was in the Honolulu airport about to leave for college for the first time and someone who definitely should not have kissed me leaned in and kissed me and i basically i fell back into this bad pattern and got led on and crashed bad. haha. it was pretty fucked up. and really bizarre the way things played out.
anywasy besides that, california is okay. i havent had the chance to really settle in because chris is here and he's really starting to irritate me. but yeah i kinda just wnat to get back into the college life phase and hang out with my stanford friends since im stuck here and basically go to partys and do my home work and be lazy and eat when i want to without having to babysit someone. oh and ive been getting a lot of shit for not drinking or smoking... oh well...
my schedule is starting to take a toll on my body and im trying to keep it fomr affecting my emotions. but the worst part is i haven't even started really working. shit is about to get a lot harder pretty quickly. but im sure ill figure it out. aside from that everything is cool. its hard tho because i know everyone has to go on with their life while im gone but i already kind of feel like the first thing that gets drops when the load is to heavy if that makes any sense. i just want to be apart of hawaii even if i am in the distance but it seems like no one (including myself) has the time to keep me involve in his/her life and it sucks.
oh well i'll write more later i have to go to a gig and then start reading for my homework. lkasjfd;lkasjdf;lkasjdf;lkasjfl;kasjdlkfjas;lkdjf
love you guys. really i do. and i miss you all!
ps: in case you were wondering... i ate today.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
STANFORD HERE I AM
here is Stanford update number one...
its about 10:30 ish and i've been running around nonstop since about 9.
my first class was at 10 my second class at 11 my third at 1 forth at 2 and fifth at 3 until 5. then i went to my dorm and tried to eat but was too tired so was researching stuff for caitlin. then i started work at 630 and here i still am. ITS BEEN SOOO CRAZY. i'm tired and really confused on weather or not i have homework.
good ting is as i havent had a chance to get homesick just yet. i mean yeah i miss you guys but im keeping really busy. some people think im keeping to busy but im doing okay so far i just have to get ito a grove and ill make up a routine that works well. but what can you expect? im taking 19 academic units and working 24 hours a week. a lot of people have tried to talk me out of all this work but really its the only way i can be here. if i dont keep busy ill be too homesick to accomplish anything. and luckily i basically have a 3 day free weekend every week so i get to keep my social life too. it works. and who knows maybe everyone is right and maybe i can't balance these many classes but you never know until you try and failing a class isnt the end of the world. i need to do whatever i can to keep myself as relatively happy as possible. so i guess until i burn out completely i'll be pretty happy up here.
besides school im just trying to finalize my work schedule and get ready fro Chris to visit. Chris comes in tomorrow night so i rented a car and im gonna go watch my brothers basketball game and then pick Chris up and then probably go out to eat. hmmm. i still have to clean up my room and stuff. bleh. i need to get settled. and i need to eat soon i havent eaten yet today cuz ive been busy
so im sorry if you called today or texted and i didnt call back or reply right away its been crazy and its gonna be crazy for the next couple days if not until chris leaves.
anyways i want to fill you guys in some more but im fucking tired and im on the phone with sommerset which is a lot more appealing right now than typing. and then i have to call halia and caitlin cuz they both called me... bleh. i love you guys soo much its stressful.
bye :)
its about 10:30 ish and i've been running around nonstop since about 9.
my first class was at 10 my second class at 11 my third at 1 forth at 2 and fifth at 3 until 5. then i went to my dorm and tried to eat but was too tired so was researching stuff for caitlin. then i started work at 630 and here i still am. ITS BEEN SOOO CRAZY. i'm tired and really confused on weather or not i have homework.
good ting is as i havent had a chance to get homesick just yet. i mean yeah i miss you guys but im keeping really busy. some people think im keeping to busy but im doing okay so far i just have to get ito a grove and ill make up a routine that works well. but what can you expect? im taking 19 academic units and working 24 hours a week. a lot of people have tried to talk me out of all this work but really its the only way i can be here. if i dont keep busy ill be too homesick to accomplish anything. and luckily i basically have a 3 day free weekend every week so i get to keep my social life too. it works. and who knows maybe everyone is right and maybe i can't balance these many classes but you never know until you try and failing a class isnt the end of the world. i need to do whatever i can to keep myself as relatively happy as possible. so i guess until i burn out completely i'll be pretty happy up here.
besides school im just trying to finalize my work schedule and get ready fro Chris to visit. Chris comes in tomorrow night so i rented a car and im gonna go watch my brothers basketball game and then pick Chris up and then probably go out to eat. hmmm. i still have to clean up my room and stuff. bleh. i need to get settled. and i need to eat soon i havent eaten yet today cuz ive been busy
so im sorry if you called today or texted and i didnt call back or reply right away its been crazy and its gonna be crazy for the next couple days if not until chris leaves.
anyways i want to fill you guys in some more but im fucking tired and im on the phone with sommerset which is a lot more appealing right now than typing. and then i have to call halia and caitlin cuz they both called me... bleh. i love you guys soo much its stressful.
bye :)
Monday, January 5, 2009
Californication...
so its about 1:30 ish and im laving in 12 hours to go back to the land of education. It hasn't completely hit me and i know this cuz i haven't cried nearly enough....idk. i guess im kinda ready to go back because at least this time i know what to expect, but at the same time i dont really like what im expecting. i dont want to hook up with random people... i dont want to fight with caitlin every other day... i dont want to lose touch with people i love... and i dont want to feel homesick. i understand that i have been given an amazing opportunity but at the same time i dont want to give up the life i have here.
im scared that regardless of how hard i try this quarter is going to be exactly the same as the last, if not worse. i wish i had prepared myself better... oh well. i have to go and pack ill check in again later.
im scared that regardless of how hard i try this quarter is going to be exactly the same as the last, if not worse. i wish i had prepared myself better... oh well. i have to go and pack ill check in again later.
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