We stand today at the break of the a new year.
tomorrow when we awake
trying to fight the repetitive wake of yesterdays
that a moon's cycle creates
i want the new year to bring change...
hey guys. I've got less than 24 hours of 2008 which means a few things...
1. it is no longer the year of our high school graduation...time to let go of high school
2. i'm given a tangible date to turn over and start new... if that's what i choose
i want to reflect on this past year... the things im proudest of and not so proud of.
Pros/the good of 2008:
1. i started off this year doing the school play...which was something i wanted to do since freshman year but what too intimidated by the theater people at school
2. got over steven
3. started surfing again
4. became close with the bbq crew.. haha. you know who you are
5. participated in Ho'ike
6. did my first poetry teaching gig in Lana'i
7. made the Hawaii 2008 youth speaks team
8. opened up completing to someone new
9. made promises and kept them
10. made it through Hbo filming alive(barely)
10.5. came out to my mother
11. WON 2008 BRAVE NEW VOICES in WASHINGTON DC
12. got on the plane
13. Made the Stanford Spoken word Collective
14. found away to suppress homesickness (take upwards of 18 units and work 25 hours a week...aka stay REALLY busy)
15. Passed all my classes (3.4)
16. opened myself up to new romantic opportunities
Cons/ the bad of 2008:
1. took my first drink of alcohol and tried weed
2. lost song contest... AGAIN
3. taketa...nuf said. lol.
4. finally named a heart breaker...:/
5. 4 ER visits and 1 admittance into kapiolani hospital
6. no more tonsils...mono...girlfriend.
7. hurt my best friend...
8. selfishly held someone back
9. went right back into the closet after going to Stanford
10. fell into depression and did stupid stuff
11. started using "party drugs"
12. cried A LOT
13. hook ups
14. heart break
15. lied to myself.
I'm sure theres more for both list but im tired of thinking. I'm freaking out right now because the new year seems like a perfect time to close a few doors and open the next but im not yet sure if that is the right thing to do and if i can even do it. I'm hurting people. A lot of people and its not right. I'm headed back to stanford in 5 days and im terrified i keep thinking of stanford as this temporary rest stop but it seems so much more permanent than hawaii right now considering how im in California 9 months a year. I'm thinking about trying to leave Hawaii in hawaii this time when i leave but im not quite sure how im supposed to do that. I want to live in the moment more but the moment doens't seem nearly as fulfilling as the past. I no longer no what i want and im not going to pretend i do anymore. i'm a mess and i dont want to start 2009 like this. actually i dont want to start 2009. But time and the change it brings is a part of life and i can't escape that nor should i continue to try. Maybe ill be smarter about my heart and my feelings this time around.
goodbye.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Home at last? sort of....
i know i know i know.
its only been one day, actually it hasnt even been one day but to be honest this quarter of the day wasn't the best i've ever had.
i go to see some people, but not enough. and i really didnt get to do what i wanted to but thats life. im still frustrated and i dont know what to do. i ended up at the north shore around midnight.
i was upset i guess and wasnt paying attention when i was leaving manoa and got on the freeway going west instead of east and just kept going. when i past school i realized i didnt know where i wanted to go so i decided to go straight. i ended up on the likelike and went to kahalu'u and just kept driving all the way to the north shore. it only seemed right to go to kaneohe since that was really my only plan tonight. it was a long silent drive. i dont know what i thought i would find, but i definitely didnt find anything there but ice deals and potheads. while i was driving home i was hoping to come to some sort of conclusions but nothing really stuck. now im home and tired but cant sleep. i dont want to go back to California but honestly i dont want to be right here right now. dude, i need my friends. bad.
i dont feel comfortable in my own home. i cant sleep in my room cuz the fish tank my sister just got is too loud so im in the living room on the couch. i spent about 20 bucks on food tonight ( and somehow still havent really eaten anything. im hoping tomorrow will be better.
really im just full of complaints. sorry. whatever.
call me tomorrow lets go out. im chilling with fam during the day but im free during the night.
i should sleep. hopefully im not up much later. i love you guys.
ps: good luck to everyone who hasnt taken their finals yet... im not so consumed in my own retarded depression to forget about you guys.
its only been one day, actually it hasnt even been one day but to be honest this quarter of the day wasn't the best i've ever had.
i go to see some people, but not enough. and i really didnt get to do what i wanted to but thats life. im still frustrated and i dont know what to do. i ended up at the north shore around midnight.
i was upset i guess and wasnt paying attention when i was leaving manoa and got on the freeway going west instead of east and just kept going. when i past school i realized i didnt know where i wanted to go so i decided to go straight. i ended up on the likelike and went to kahalu'u and just kept driving all the way to the north shore. it only seemed right to go to kaneohe since that was really my only plan tonight. it was a long silent drive. i dont know what i thought i would find, but i definitely didnt find anything there but ice deals and potheads. while i was driving home i was hoping to come to some sort of conclusions but nothing really stuck. now im home and tired but cant sleep. i dont want to go back to California but honestly i dont want to be right here right now. dude, i need my friends. bad.
i dont feel comfortable in my own home. i cant sleep in my room cuz the fish tank my sister just got is too loud so im in the living room on the couch. i spent about 20 bucks on food tonight ( and somehow still havent really eaten anything. im hoping tomorrow will be better.
really im just full of complaints. sorry. whatever.
call me tomorrow lets go out. im chilling with fam during the day but im free during the night.
i should sleep. hopefully im not up much later. i love you guys.
ps: good luck to everyone who hasnt taken their finals yet... im not so consumed in my own retarded depression to forget about you guys.
Monday, December 8, 2008
SexSexSexSEX: the begining of all good stanford relationships
someone told me. All stanford relationships starts with sex... hmmmm. i am continuously baffled by my existence here
the thought of blistering cold when the is not a single cloud in the sky continues to baffle me. but here i am, the place where the impossible continues to happen. relationships, weather, time... they all seem to act very erratically and unpredictably here. maybe its just the college atmosphere, i am still unsure....
i am still a stranger and fool to the weather. And as much as i miss the weather back home i quite enjoy the surprise of looking out into the sun thinking i can put on shorts and then making my way out the door to be reassured of my mistake. the weather does not accommodate me. as i said neither does the time. i find my self with and less of it while i am here. which makes me happy and also rushed. im ready to come home. however, i am not ready for the final i must take before i come home. its all about balance.
as for relationships.... i find people here to go about things very differently than i. most relationships here start with a kiss or most often sex...a concept im still not too comfortable of familiar with. but when in rome.... haha. i've met a few interesting people few worth naming. most intriguing lately to be Kate.
Kate constantly likes to draw the connection between her name and caitlin which most times drives me crazy to the point of apparent frustration. she seems to find my frustration amusing. which is another quality im sure they both share, im trying to to think of their similarities to much considering how unhealthy it is to date the same person twice. i love caitlin but i want to make sure i dont just like kate because of the very few similarities they both share.
Kate is definitely her own person. beautiful, tall (which surprisingly intrigues me), she dances for a major company in san fran...i wont dare call her perfect...i found in the past that saying that makes people uncomfortable.... but i will say that i find her subtle imperfections to be very graceful and beautiful. its a slow confusing process and honestly i feel like i've dove into it with the wrong foot but then again i am reassured by the stanford community that this is how things are done here. i guess we'll see what happens. as for now i think i'll just call her katie a name she reverentially despises and brings her frustration. I must say, im starting to understand the pleasure in this... haha
during a discussion i had with kate in my dorm that started around 11 and lasted til sunday morning at around 5am i wondered around the idea that i might actually be incapable of intimacy. I dare not blame the demise of my last futile relationship on this fact, i know there are far larger issues that caused the end of that one, the strongest beineg that we weren't right for each other... but i can see the trend of relationships before and it is easy to draw a connection to this excuse.
I've always blamed my breakup with steven to the fact that we didnt have sex. not so much that he pressured me and i said no, because that definitely didnt happen. but because i wasnt comfortable yet and he was, i suppose we were just on different pages. i find it to be a hard situation to explain to most people in a way that actually makes them understand what im saying...randy which was a very short lived romance was also ended by not so much a lack of intimacy but a lack of confront in it. i honestly think our intensity intimidated each other to the point of a complete fear of the others power over us, we definitely had a stronger lust than love. and i cannot dare say that it diddnt play at least a reoccurring role in my relationship with caitlin. i wondered if the gap between our "exsperience" would effect our relationship and i believe it took a greater toll on her than it did i...i am sure my fear of physical intimacey and lack of experience frustrated her at best. and i wish i knew how to apologize for that, but it seems to be one of those things that should be left unsaid because there is no right way to talk about it.
But of course, who is to decide the actual reason for a fallen relationship, it is rarely ever the one who is dumped, and i will remind you that it was i left standing at the end of these three relationships. i wonder if i even have the right to ponder and decide for myself why i wasnt right for them. at most times i remind myself it is the past for a reason.
however some days, like this. while i try to put off my studying while watching the clock move much faster than it ever did in Hawaii and while constantly checking to see if i have a missed call or text i ponder this. i wonder, does my emotional intimacy repulse while my lack of physical intimacy leave people unsatisfied? am i too unbalanced to love? a concept i am terrified to ponder further....
i will assure you that i did not dare sleep with this woman that night or morning after having this intense conversation mostly on the mere fact of how hypocritical it would make me and also because i was so FUCKING TIRED. i hope that didnt repulse her. and i hope im not thinking of her too much. but the memory of me wanting to sleep with her leaves me some comfort to hold on to. even if i CANT be close to people physically, at least i still hold the desire to. at least that part of my emotions and body works. could you imagine a teenage girl with absolutely no desire to sleep with another BEAUTIFUL teenage girl or boy? that would definitely suck.
anyways. that my thoughts at the moment. im gonna go read, cuz i dont wnat to study and then maybe ill start packing cuz i come home in four days! you best believe it and when i do i am going to definitely take care of this intimacy problem.!!!! lol
the thought of blistering cold when the is not a single cloud in the sky continues to baffle me. but here i am, the place where the impossible continues to happen. relationships, weather, time... they all seem to act very erratically and unpredictably here. maybe its just the college atmosphere, i am still unsure....
i am still a stranger and fool to the weather. And as much as i miss the weather back home i quite enjoy the surprise of looking out into the sun thinking i can put on shorts and then making my way out the door to be reassured of my mistake. the weather does not accommodate me. as i said neither does the time. i find my self with and less of it while i am here. which makes me happy and also rushed. im ready to come home. however, i am not ready for the final i must take before i come home. its all about balance.
as for relationships.... i find people here to go about things very differently than i. most relationships here start with a kiss or most often sex...a concept im still not too comfortable of familiar with. but when in rome.... haha. i've met a few interesting people few worth naming. most intriguing lately to be Kate.
Kate constantly likes to draw the connection between her name and caitlin which most times drives me crazy to the point of apparent frustration. she seems to find my frustration amusing. which is another quality im sure they both share, im trying to to think of their similarities to much considering how unhealthy it is to date the same person twice. i love caitlin but i want to make sure i dont just like kate because of the very few similarities they both share.
Kate is definitely her own person. beautiful, tall (which surprisingly intrigues me), she dances for a major company in san fran...i wont dare call her perfect...i found in the past that saying that makes people uncomfortable.... but i will say that i find her subtle imperfections to be very graceful and beautiful. its a slow confusing process and honestly i feel like i've dove into it with the wrong foot but then again i am reassured by the stanford community that this is how things are done here. i guess we'll see what happens. as for now i think i'll just call her katie a name she reverentially despises and brings her frustration. I must say, im starting to understand the pleasure in this... haha
during a discussion i had with kate in my dorm that started around 11 and lasted til sunday morning at around 5am i wondered around the idea that i might actually be incapable of intimacy. I dare not blame the demise of my last futile relationship on this fact, i know there are far larger issues that caused the end of that one, the strongest beineg that we weren't right for each other... but i can see the trend of relationships before and it is easy to draw a connection to this excuse.
I've always blamed my breakup with steven to the fact that we didnt have sex. not so much that he pressured me and i said no, because that definitely didnt happen. but because i wasnt comfortable yet and he was, i suppose we were just on different pages. i find it to be a hard situation to explain to most people in a way that actually makes them understand what im saying...randy which was a very short lived romance was also ended by not so much a lack of intimacy but a lack of confront in it. i honestly think our intensity intimidated each other to the point of a complete fear of the others power over us, we definitely had a stronger lust than love. and i cannot dare say that it diddnt play at least a reoccurring role in my relationship with caitlin. i wondered if the gap between our "exsperience" would effect our relationship and i believe it took a greater toll on her than it did i...i am sure my fear of physical intimacey and lack of experience frustrated her at best. and i wish i knew how to apologize for that, but it seems to be one of those things that should be left unsaid because there is no right way to talk about it.
But of course, who is to decide the actual reason for a fallen relationship, it is rarely ever the one who is dumped, and i will remind you that it was i left standing at the end of these three relationships. i wonder if i even have the right to ponder and decide for myself why i wasnt right for them. at most times i remind myself it is the past for a reason.
however some days, like this. while i try to put off my studying while watching the clock move much faster than it ever did in Hawaii and while constantly checking to see if i have a missed call or text i ponder this. i wonder, does my emotional intimacy repulse while my lack of physical intimacy leave people unsatisfied? am i too unbalanced to love? a concept i am terrified to ponder further....
i will assure you that i did not dare sleep with this woman that night or morning after having this intense conversation mostly on the mere fact of how hypocritical it would make me and also because i was so FUCKING TIRED. i hope that didnt repulse her. and i hope im not thinking of her too much. but the memory of me wanting to sleep with her leaves me some comfort to hold on to. even if i CANT be close to people physically, at least i still hold the desire to. at least that part of my emotions and body works. could you imagine a teenage girl with absolutely no desire to sleep with another BEAUTIFUL teenage girl or boy? that would definitely suck.
anyways. that my thoughts at the moment. im gonna go read, cuz i dont wnat to study and then maybe ill start packing cuz i come home in four days! you best believe it and when i do i am going to definitely take care of this intimacy problem.!!!! lol
Thursday, December 4, 2008
working on me
i know i cant make people change. and i've realized i dont want to change anyone except for myself. i have this problem of wanting everyone to be the best form of their person. the problem with that is that i have to inflict my own belief of what "good" is on others in order to do that. so i have a mission of just embracing the different "goods" in each person. im just gonna love people. and if that means im gonna get hurt then so be it. pain is beautiful. i want to teach myself to be happy with the parts of peoples lives they are willing to have me apart of if any at all. above all, i want to love myself enough that it doesnt matter if no one else does. i want to be able to fill my own void. and i dont know how to yet, but im gonna learn in this time of silence.
i love you guys. i hope from this that i learn to be whatever it is each of you need me to be for you. i want to be the best friend i can be to each individual i encounter... is that a ridiculous thing to want?
i love you!
i love you guys. i hope from this that i learn to be whatever it is each of you need me to be for you. i want to be the best friend i can be to each individual i encounter... is that a ridiculous thing to want?
i love you!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
its funny. but really it just hurts
its funny how people will be hurt when ditched by their best friends for their best friends boyfriend and then go and ditch their best friend for their boyfriend...
funny right?
okay, maybe not funny. maybe just stupid.
im in a mean mood.
but i still mean what i say.
know what i mean?
are you catching
i have a new poem.
im gonna burn it
its full of shit
yay
my dorm is loud
its 2:16am
and my roomate is having a nightmare and talking in her sleep
i fucking hate college
but you know what, at least i didnt stay home
it would be soo much worse to be put in the distance when you are only 15 miles away.
at least from here even if you cant feel people
you can see them better
the whole person, you know
we're all a little nearsighted when it comes to our friendships
try moving across an ocean
look back and see if you can see people different
if you cant, then you are lucky.. you have good friends
if you can. well tough shit i guess... i dont know whats next..
im just talking. whatever
luckily no one reads this fucking thing except for sommerset so i can say whatever the fuck i want.
funny right?
okay, maybe not funny. maybe just stupid.
im in a mean mood.
but i still mean what i say.
know what i mean?
are you catching
i have a new poem.
im gonna burn it
its full of shit
yay
my dorm is loud
its 2:16am
and my roomate is having a nightmare and talking in her sleep
i fucking hate college
but you know what, at least i didnt stay home
it would be soo much worse to be put in the distance when you are only 15 miles away.
at least from here even if you cant feel people
you can see them better
the whole person, you know
we're all a little nearsighted when it comes to our friendships
try moving across an ocean
look back and see if you can see people different
if you cant, then you are lucky.. you have good friends
if you can. well tough shit i guess... i dont know whats next..
im just talking. whatever
luckily no one reads this fucking thing except for sommerset so i can say whatever the fuck i want.
Friday, November 28, 2008
my frist thanksgiving away from home
well it definitely wasnt what i exspected.
lets the list the pros/cons shall we...
okay.
pros..
lots of good food
got to see my brother
wasnt completely alone
got to go shopping
cons...
my body is deteriorating
i cried twice if you dont count the gang fight (dont worry ill explain)
it was cold
i spent the night throwing up
witnessed a gang fight
so yeah we had a FULL spread of delicious food and ate at around 2 then spent the rest of the day watching the house marathon and having out own guitar hero marathon!!! i beat duncan a lot!!! its been great seeing my brother, i've missed him a lot. bleh.
okay so now down to the juicy nitty gritty stuff....
we decided we would go shopping at midnight at this HUGE mall close to stanford which is about an hour away. and while we were there all four of us (me, duncan, tiana, reyn) got separated. while i was standing outside of clares about to go inside these 5 guys in red starts fighting with these 4 Hispanic dudes. i was about a foot away when it started and i was freaking out and i kept trying to move back but people were pushing inwards. and then the started kicking the shit out of these guys and yelling and stuff so somehow i ended up inside of clares, THANK GOD! and blood was just all over the place. needless to say it was probably one of the scariest things situations i've ever been in. after that happened my heart was racing for the next couple hours cuz i was just scared something bad was gonna happen.
and yeah now to the whole getting sick part. first off I DIDNT DRINK ANY ALCOHOL, i actually havent drank anything in a while. but i did take 4 ibuprofen and a celebrex right before i left. i didnt think my stomache was empty cuz i had eaten so much but i guess it was. so that along with being scare basically made me really nauseous and i spent the night basically throwing up. it sucked. belh, im still nauseous and dont want to eat and i have my show tonight and im NOT ready but ill figure it out i suppose.
anyways last night was hard, and im sure tomorrow will be harder. saturday marks 9 years since my grndmother past away and it will be the first time ever that im not in hilo with my family. on top of that its caitlin birthday and i still dont know what to do about that. but again im sure ill figure it out. BLEH.
bye guys. see you all in TWO WEEKS :)))))))
lets the list the pros/cons shall we...
okay.
pros..
lots of good food
got to see my brother
wasnt completely alone
got to go shopping
cons...
my body is deteriorating
i cried twice if you dont count the gang fight (dont worry ill explain)
it was cold
i spent the night throwing up
witnessed a gang fight
so yeah we had a FULL spread of delicious food and ate at around 2 then spent the rest of the day watching the house marathon and having out own guitar hero marathon!!! i beat duncan a lot!!! its been great seeing my brother, i've missed him a lot. bleh.
okay so now down to the juicy nitty gritty stuff....
we decided we would go shopping at midnight at this HUGE mall close to stanford which is about an hour away. and while we were there all four of us (me, duncan, tiana, reyn) got separated. while i was standing outside of clares about to go inside these 5 guys in red starts fighting with these 4 Hispanic dudes. i was about a foot away when it started and i was freaking out and i kept trying to move back but people were pushing inwards. and then the started kicking the shit out of these guys and yelling and stuff so somehow i ended up inside of clares, THANK GOD! and blood was just all over the place. needless to say it was probably one of the scariest things situations i've ever been in. after that happened my heart was racing for the next couple hours cuz i was just scared something bad was gonna happen.
and yeah now to the whole getting sick part. first off I DIDNT DRINK ANY ALCOHOL, i actually havent drank anything in a while. but i did take 4 ibuprofen and a celebrex right before i left. i didnt think my stomache was empty cuz i had eaten so much but i guess it was. so that along with being scare basically made me really nauseous and i spent the night basically throwing up. it sucked. belh, im still nauseous and dont want to eat and i have my show tonight and im NOT ready but ill figure it out i suppose.
anyways last night was hard, and im sure tomorrow will be harder. saturday marks 9 years since my grndmother past away and it will be the first time ever that im not in hilo with my family. on top of that its caitlin birthday and i still dont know what to do about that. but again im sure ill figure it out. BLEH.
bye guys. see you all in TWO WEEKS :)))))))
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
fake
FEDERICO GARCÍA LORCA once said, "Most human beings use their public life like a visiting card. They show it to others and say, This is me. The others take the card and think to themselves, If you say so. But most human beings have another life too, a gray one, lurking in the darkness, torturing us, a life we try to hide like an ugly sin."
I've been doing a LOT of hiding lately, Honestly i've been more of a lie than anything. But at the same time i've been learning a lot about how easily i can trick myself into thinking that i'm okay. but anyways this isnt supposed to be a pity party i just wanted to apologize to all of you guys for beineg fake and let you know whats going on.
part of me is doing really good. I come home soon, my classes are almost finished and im in a good place with my parents. THings are moving smoothly.
the only thing that there is to complain about is im lonely. And its not only romantically lonely, i'm lonely in general. BEing in California is hard because everyone who is here that i love is just out of reach. i never get to see my brother, or my cousins so it makes it hard to be even in the same state as someone and still not get to see them. Life is such a tease sometimes. lol...
my bigest problem right now though is the time of year. THankgiving was alwasy my grandmothers holiday. That's when i got to see my whole family, and spend time with my hero. but ever since she pasted away thanksgiving has been different. My family has stopped going to hilo and i havent seen my whole family in once place since thanksgiving in 1998. no can help right? BUT IT SUCKS. And not a lot of people know this but the anniversary of my grandmothers death is the same day as Caitlin's birthday. In the past, i've spent the 29th mostly crying and sad and focusing on my grandmother and just kinda remembering her. And i know this sounds selfish but i dont know how to be happy on that day. what's hardest is that this will be the first thanksgiving where im not with my father. So since i met Caitlin i've kind of dreaded her birthday. and I KNOW thats a HORRIBLE thing to say, but its only becasue i dont wnat to ruine her birthday and i dont know how to be a good friend. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE A PERSON ON THAT DAY. needless to say i'm scared as fuck, im trying to to be selfish and hopefully i pull it off. but if i dont, im sorry. im a bitch, im a bad friend, im a whole lot of things i shouldn't be. but know that i love you regardless....
anywasy im done with the pity party, at least for know. I'm about to jump on a plane back to san fran to see my brother for the second time since i've been to california.eat lots of food and then back to school and then home in about 2 weeks. I'm excited and can't wait to see all my friends :) man i miss you guys.
PS: back to the qoute. Im done hiding, im trying to use this time to work on myself....be happier for me, stop focusing on other people. and i'm not gonna be putting myself "out there" again at least for a while. haha. maybe i should learn this time to protect myself more. Cuz this whole beineg open to knew opportunities and putting myself on the line is not working out. :)
love you guys
Jamaica
I've been doing a LOT of hiding lately, Honestly i've been more of a lie than anything. But at the same time i've been learning a lot about how easily i can trick myself into thinking that i'm okay. but anyways this isnt supposed to be a pity party i just wanted to apologize to all of you guys for beineg fake and let you know whats going on.
part of me is doing really good. I come home soon, my classes are almost finished and im in a good place with my parents. THings are moving smoothly.
the only thing that there is to complain about is im lonely. And its not only romantically lonely, i'm lonely in general. BEing in California is hard because everyone who is here that i love is just out of reach. i never get to see my brother, or my cousins so it makes it hard to be even in the same state as someone and still not get to see them. Life is such a tease sometimes. lol...
my bigest problem right now though is the time of year. THankgiving was alwasy my grandmothers holiday. That's when i got to see my whole family, and spend time with my hero. but ever since she pasted away thanksgiving has been different. My family has stopped going to hilo and i havent seen my whole family in once place since thanksgiving in 1998. no can help right? BUT IT SUCKS. And not a lot of people know this but the anniversary of my grandmothers death is the same day as Caitlin's birthday. In the past, i've spent the 29th mostly crying and sad and focusing on my grandmother and just kinda remembering her. And i know this sounds selfish but i dont know how to be happy on that day. what's hardest is that this will be the first thanksgiving where im not with my father. So since i met Caitlin i've kind of dreaded her birthday. and I KNOW thats a HORRIBLE thing to say, but its only becasue i dont wnat to ruine her birthday and i dont know how to be a good friend. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE A PERSON ON THAT DAY. needless to say i'm scared as fuck, im trying to to be selfish and hopefully i pull it off. but if i dont, im sorry. im a bitch, im a bad friend, im a whole lot of things i shouldn't be. but know that i love you regardless....
anywasy im done with the pity party, at least for know. I'm about to jump on a plane back to san fran to see my brother for the second time since i've been to california.eat lots of food and then back to school and then home in about 2 weeks. I'm excited and can't wait to see all my friends :) man i miss you guys.
PS: back to the qoute. Im done hiding, im trying to use this time to work on myself....be happier for me, stop focusing on other people. and i'm not gonna be putting myself "out there" again at least for a while. haha. maybe i should learn this time to protect myself more. Cuz this whole beineg open to knew opportunities and putting myself on the line is not working out. :)
love you guys
Jamaica
Sunday, November 23, 2008
i've just been wondering...
to what extent should we take account our best friends feelings when it comes to our actions with those we are romantically interested? idk. i want to always put my friends first but that doesn't seem to be the popular trend...maybe it is all about who is gonna raise your kids. but to me, i know i was raised more by my parents closes friends then by my parents themselves...idk, maybe im overthinking.
goodnight!
goodnight!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Genius is the infinite capacity of taking pain.
Neither a lofty degree of intelligence
nor imagination
nor both together
go to the making of genius
Love, Love, Love
that is the soul of a genius.
-Mozart
GUys.
i have a confession to make. i've been keeping a secret from all of you for a week or so but i wanted to fill you guys in because you guys mean the world to me. I've fallen again. Like a rock, not a feather like i promised i would. I dont really know what else to say except i'm ridiculously happy. And i'm gonna try make this last forever, and i know it sounds corny but this shit is for real. Not like the lasts times i'm putting my all into this and im never letting this love go. Honestly, this love has been more challenging and rewarding than any other kind of love i've ever experienced. Its been an amazing learning experience so far and i can't wait to see what in store. so i bet you what to meet him or her right?
HAHAH. actually im just in love with life right now. its amazing, like AMAZING!!! i dont think i've ever been this light and floated like this. its an amazing feeling. so yeah im not in love with a person but i have met a few very very promising prospects. Only problem is the one i think im starting to like the most is kinda off limits, which is probably why i like him.
I kinda promised myself i wouldnt date poets even before i dated caitlin and i broke that rule once and im not sure if i should or even want to break it again, you know? plus there is this other girl who likes me here and she is just beautiful person, only thing she's not so much my type.... idk... maybe she is if i like her, why else would i be attracted to her? you know? but she's definitely made it clear that she likes me.. BLEH.. idk what to do
oh and of course then there is Chris who is coming to visit me in january.... umm thats gonna be interesting considering i know whats gonna end up happening. kjahdfkasjhdfkajshdfkajsdh and i dont know if that is what i want.... hmmm. maybe? maybe not? considering i wasnt ready for it last time doenst that mean im still not ready for it if it hasn't happened yet with someone else??? idk.
and then there is Nainoa who...well who i dont relly know whats going on between us. its always a different story every day. and britney who keeps calling me and talking about how she wants to hang out when i come home and we all know how that ended last time.
its funny i thought after my last relationship that i had NO options. i felt helpless. but i have options i just dont really want to think about them and make a choice. what sucks is that even if i say im over my last failed romantic relationship i keep comparing every new opportunity by it. EVery person i encounter i think about how they compare to what i had, which is the STUPIDEST THING EVER, cuz i know that no one will ever be like caitlin and caitlin wasnt anything like steven so i dont know why im always tripping about it cuz even though my relationship with caitlin was different from steven i was REALLY happy. so transitively my next realtionship that is nothing like caitlin will also make me really happy... right? oh fuck the transitive property doenst work in bed?!??! what am i gonna do. lol.. jk.
haha
anyways this blog is ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!!!
im done
i just wanted to let you guys know that even though im still really stressed with school im also REALLY REALLY happy with my life and yeah. im proud of the person i've become through all of this.
thanks for loving me :)
nor imagination
nor both together
go to the making of genius
Love, Love, Love
that is the soul of a genius.
-Mozart
GUys.
i have a confession to make. i've been keeping a secret from all of you for a week or so but i wanted to fill you guys in because you guys mean the world to me. I've fallen again. Like a rock, not a feather like i promised i would. I dont really know what else to say except i'm ridiculously happy. And i'm gonna try make this last forever, and i know it sounds corny but this shit is for real. Not like the lasts times i'm putting my all into this and im never letting this love go. Honestly, this love has been more challenging and rewarding than any other kind of love i've ever experienced. Its been an amazing learning experience so far and i can't wait to see what in store. so i bet you what to meet him or her right?
HAHAH. actually im just in love with life right now. its amazing, like AMAZING!!! i dont think i've ever been this light and floated like this. its an amazing feeling. so yeah im not in love with a person but i have met a few very very promising prospects. Only problem is the one i think im starting to like the most is kinda off limits, which is probably why i like him.
I kinda promised myself i wouldnt date poets even before i dated caitlin and i broke that rule once and im not sure if i should or even want to break it again, you know? plus there is this other girl who likes me here and she is just beautiful person, only thing she's not so much my type.... idk... maybe she is if i like her, why else would i be attracted to her? you know? but she's definitely made it clear that she likes me.. BLEH.. idk what to do
oh and of course then there is Chris who is coming to visit me in january.... umm thats gonna be interesting considering i know whats gonna end up happening. kjahdfkasjhdfkajshdfkajsdh and i dont know if that is what i want.... hmmm. maybe? maybe not? considering i wasnt ready for it last time doenst that mean im still not ready for it if it hasn't happened yet with someone else??? idk.
and then there is Nainoa who...well who i dont relly know whats going on between us. its always a different story every day. and britney who keeps calling me and talking about how she wants to hang out when i come home and we all know how that ended last time.
its funny i thought after my last relationship that i had NO options. i felt helpless. but i have options i just dont really want to think about them and make a choice. what sucks is that even if i say im over my last failed romantic relationship i keep comparing every new opportunity by it. EVery person i encounter i think about how they compare to what i had, which is the STUPIDEST THING EVER, cuz i know that no one will ever be like caitlin and caitlin wasnt anything like steven so i dont know why im always tripping about it cuz even though my relationship with caitlin was different from steven i was REALLY happy. so transitively my next realtionship that is nothing like caitlin will also make me really happy... right? oh fuck the transitive property doenst work in bed?!??! what am i gonna do. lol.. jk.
haha
anyways this blog is ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!!!
im done
i just wanted to let you guys know that even though im still really stressed with school im also REALLY REALLY happy with my life and yeah. im proud of the person i've become through all of this.
thanks for loving me :)
Friday, November 14, 2008
Real Love.
"In real love you want the other person's good
in romantic love you want the other person. "
...STory of my life...
so hey guys i havent really blogged in a while. haha. so here goes nothing.
i let it go. all of it. i talked to my my therapist at my last crazy people session :P and basically told her im done holding on. and so that is it. i was always happy for Caitlin but now i'm pretty damn happy for me too for letting her go. i know it may seem a little fake guys, but im good trust me I AM. i'm pretty damn happy, im in a good place mentally and emotionally. I'm in touch with my feelings and my friends and i've opened myself up to knew opportunities. I've been dating around A LOT, not in a creepy way. and i've realized even though i kinda miss the whole committed relationship thing im really not looking for that now. i just want to have fun. so i'm gonna keep kinda putting myself in interesting situations and see what comes from it. i'm definitely not going to run from a relationship but im not looking for one anymore. I'm happy enough with what i have now.
i definitely am still homesick, but in a more healthy way. i miss my sisters to death and can't wait to go home and be the cool big sister and spoil them rotten. I've always wanted to be a good sister but i never really wanted to be their best friend too. now i want it all and i cant wait to get it :). moving away has taught me so much about myself and life and really how strong and stupid i can be. lol.
but really i have nothing else to say. i've been laughing A LOT lately and taking pleasure in really weird things like eating coco puffs or just watching a boring movie with a cool guy. i've finally started my life here and i like it. I'm so glad i'm at Stanford even if it means that the world back home is changing. I'm done holding on to yesterday. I'm really excited for next quarter even though its going to be really hard, but i feel like next quarter i'll actually be learning and challenging myself so thats good.
anyways this blog is just so unorganized and poorly written but i dont fucking care. i'm happy and just so amused by life and yes im a little lonely when it gets boring but thats when i get to deal with myself so its okay.
things are good guys. things are good :)
in romantic love you want the other person. "
...STory of my life...
so hey guys i havent really blogged in a while. haha. so here goes nothing.
i let it go. all of it. i talked to my my therapist at my last crazy people session :P and basically told her im done holding on. and so that is it. i was always happy for Caitlin but now i'm pretty damn happy for me too for letting her go. i know it may seem a little fake guys, but im good trust me I AM. i'm pretty damn happy, im in a good place mentally and emotionally. I'm in touch with my feelings and my friends and i've opened myself up to knew opportunities. I've been dating around A LOT, not in a creepy way. and i've realized even though i kinda miss the whole committed relationship thing im really not looking for that now. i just want to have fun. so i'm gonna keep kinda putting myself in interesting situations and see what comes from it. i'm definitely not going to run from a relationship but im not looking for one anymore. I'm happy enough with what i have now.
i definitely am still homesick, but in a more healthy way. i miss my sisters to death and can't wait to go home and be the cool big sister and spoil them rotten. I've always wanted to be a good sister but i never really wanted to be their best friend too. now i want it all and i cant wait to get it :). moving away has taught me so much about myself and life and really how strong and stupid i can be. lol.
but really i have nothing else to say. i've been laughing A LOT lately and taking pleasure in really weird things like eating coco puffs or just watching a boring movie with a cool guy. i've finally started my life here and i like it. I'm so glad i'm at Stanford even if it means that the world back home is changing. I'm done holding on to yesterday. I'm really excited for next quarter even though its going to be really hard, but i feel like next quarter i'll actually be learning and challenging myself so thats good.
anyways this blog is just so unorganized and poorly written but i dont fucking care. i'm happy and just so amused by life and yes im a little lonely when it gets boring but thats when i get to deal with myself so its okay.
things are good guys. things are good :)
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
my jeans, like my friends
(off the cuff)EDITS.
my jeans have tears
rips
imperfections
but they are beautiful
comfortable
know me better than any other clothing i wear
i take them everywhere
just like my friends
they appear to be past their time sometimes
and yet
i can't bring my self to leave them behind
so i just keep stitching and patching
but needles hurt
and my aim is crooked
so all im doing is hurting
everyone
i wish i were better at creating than destroying things
you see you can't mend jeans while you are wearing them
i've tried
you cann't mend tears in friendships while you are still stuck loving them
and i can't leave either behind without feeling naked, alone and empty
so im stuck in this limbo
wearing my pain on my legs and sleeves
everyone can see im broken and breaking the things aroudnd me
i'm sorry
i'm sorry for the things i've done to break and tear you
for not being careful when running with sharp object and cutting corners
i always find some way to unintentionally snag you on the table and then i just continue to tearing trend....
im sorry i dont know how to live in one piece
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
trust me
i'd fix you if i could
but i still think you are beautiful and even more comfortable with the imperfections
if only we could all learn to live with them....
i'm sorry guys. i love you.
my jeans have tears
rips
imperfections
but they are beautiful
comfortable
know me better than any other clothing i wear
i take them everywhere
just like my friends
they appear to be past their time sometimes
and yet
i can't bring my self to leave them behind
so i just keep stitching and patching
but needles hurt
and my aim is crooked
so all im doing is hurting
everyone
i wish i were better at creating than destroying things
you see you can't mend jeans while you are wearing them
i've tried
you cann't mend tears in friendships while you are still stuck loving them
and i can't leave either behind without feeling naked, alone and empty
so im stuck in this limbo
wearing my pain on my legs and sleeves
everyone can see im broken and breaking the things aroudnd me
i'm sorry
i'm sorry for the things i've done to break and tear you
for not being careful when running with sharp object and cutting corners
i always find some way to unintentionally snag you on the table and then i just continue to tearing trend....
im sorry i dont know how to live in one piece
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
trust me
i'd fix you if i could
but i still think you are beautiful and even more comfortable with the imperfections
if only we could all learn to live with them....
i'm sorry guys. i love you.
Friday, November 7, 2008
for everything that doenst fit on a list...
and everything that wont fit in a single conversation, i wrote you all this. (there are pictures in this blog that are imperative for the understanding of what i wrote, so if you are reading this in your email, click on the link and actually go to my blogspot, i promise you will not be disappointed)
Hold your horses, Let me explain. I’ve been seeing a therapist lately about a lot of things but mostly about my relationships (friends, family, Caitlin). Yes Caitlin you get your own category. :P don’t be sad. But this is what my therapist said to do. “it sounds to me like Caitlin is trying to walk away, so you need to decide if it worth it for you to keep trying” granted my therapist only knows my side of the story. So basically she told me I have to make a list of pros/cons for my relationship with Caitlin I guess to evaluate what to do next. And im not gonna lie, I FREAKED OUT. Mostly because I didn’t want to write up a list and then have it say something that I didn’t want. And because I can tell that this woman doesn’t understand why I’m still trying I’d put money on my therapist wanting me to walk away, but what the fuck does she know. lol.
So anyways, I sat in front of a piece of paper and literally just stared at it not knowing what to write. So I started with I love her as a pro, then it moved over to the cons. Haha. Then I wrote it gives me someone to talk to and that also moved around on the pros and con list and then I realized “fuck therapist!” I really did try to make the list, but I decided I would make it on my mirror so I would have to look at it constantly, basically so I wouldn’t be able to get away from it. But even after starting th list on my mirror I found I really didn’t know what to write down and even if I thought of something I didn’t know how I could possible classify it. So in the end I was left with what you see in the picture. Because when you think about it, Its not about single things that add up to pros by being caitlin’s friend and single things that add up to be cons. Friendships can’t be added, subtracted and definitely not divided. This isn’t math, there are hearts, histories and feelings involved. Way to many variables for me to be accounting for, keep in mind that I almost failed trig :P I suck at math, but im good with friends i know who i love and who loves me. I know that my relationship with caitlin is sticky and dynamic and is not about a list, It’s about what has been produced from the love I have for her, and in my opinion in the end its only been positive.
You can say and believe whatever you want, but I know have grown because of this relationship. I have been in amazingly rewarding situations and painful situations but in the end I’ve always been okay. Some people who wanted to protect me warmed me before I started to be friends with Caitlin, but I wanted this and still do. I love Caitlin and because of that I am happy that she is happy. And even though I am not happy with where my entire life is at right now I know I can still be happy for her and proud of her. Regardless of how I feel about myself I am very comfortable and happy with the people I call my friends. I feel like I have the BEST friends in the world and each and every one of them adds something positive in my life and just because I can’t name what exactly it is about these people that make me happy, put them on a list, and add them up so they can make sense to someone else who wants to analyze them it doesn’t mean that my relationships are unproductive or bad, it just means the are different, SPECIAL! and im damn proud of that fact.
Honestly I kinda feel insulted that someone would think I could even put a relationship on a piece of paper. How do I fit all the laughs and tears on a 8X11 sheets of paper? How do I even begin to explain how lucky I am to have the people I have. You guys are my everything, and no one else will ever fully under why I love you guys. I can write as many blogs, poems, and songs as I want but at the end of the day there still isn’t a word that explain what I feel. Basically what I’m trying to say is I’m gonna be there for Caitlin and the rest of you guys until yall make me leave, and if/when that days comes I will be a mess but at least then I know that its happening because that is what you actually want/needs and its not happening because I THINK that is what you want/needs and definitely not because someone with a calculator said the equation was off balanced. Fuck math and calculators and list and therapist. That shit doenst mean anything, YOU GUYS ARE THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS!!
^^^^this is why i can't make a list.. how could i possibly put all these memories on a list??? who the fuck does this lady think she is??? she obviously doenst know you guys, well thats her loss!!!
*On a side note I just want to make sure you all know how proud I am of our group of friends. I love the fact that I can trust all of you guys and when someone is having a hard time everyone steps in to fix shit. You guys are amazing and im lucky to have you. Be safe and everyone don’t be busy dec 12th. I come home at 7pm. Lets go to the beach!!!!! And then again when Sommer comes home:P
this was definitely the most rewarding blog i've writing thus far!
LOVE ALWAYS, from california all the way to DC and Hawaii.
ps: next topic is on self esteem and self worth :P i think at least...
Hold your horses, Let me explain. I’ve been seeing a therapist lately about a lot of things but mostly about my relationships (friends, family, Caitlin). Yes Caitlin you get your own category. :P don’t be sad. But this is what my therapist said to do. “it sounds to me like Caitlin is trying to walk away, so you need to decide if it worth it for you to keep trying” granted my therapist only knows my side of the story. So basically she told me I have to make a list of pros/cons for my relationship with Caitlin I guess to evaluate what to do next. And im not gonna lie, I FREAKED OUT. Mostly because I didn’t want to write up a list and then have it say something that I didn’t want. And because I can tell that this woman doesn’t understand why I’m still trying I’d put money on my therapist wanting me to walk away, but what the fuck does she know. lol.So anyways, I sat in front of a piece of paper and literally just stared at it not knowing what to write. So I started with I love her as a pro, then it moved over to the cons. Haha. Then I wrote it gives me someone to talk to and that also moved around on the pros and con list and then I realized “fuck therapist!” I really did try to make the list, but I decided I would make it on my mirror so I would have to look at it constantly, basically so I wouldn’t be able to get away from it. But even after starting th list on my mirror I found I really didn’t know what to write down and even if I thought of something I didn’t know how I could possible classify it. So in the end I was left with what you see in the picture. Because when you think about it, Its not about single things that add up to pros by being caitlin’s friend and single things that add up to be cons. Friendships can’t be added, subtracted and definitely not divided. This isn’t math, there are hearts, histories and feelings involved. Way to many variables for me to be accounting for, keep in mind that I almost failed trig :P I suck at math, but im good with friends i know who i love and who loves me. I know that my relationship with caitlin is sticky and dynamic and is not about a list, It’s about what has been produced from the love I have for her, and in my opinion in the end its only been positive.
You can say and believe whatever you want, but I know have grown because of this relationship. I have been in amazingly rewarding situations and painful situations but in the end I’ve always been okay. Some people who wanted to protect me warmed me before I started to be friends with Caitlin, but I wanted this and still do. I love Caitlin and because of that I am happy that she is happy. And even though I am not happy with where my entire life is at right now I know I can still be happy for her and proud of her. Regardless of how I feel about myself I am very comfortable and happy with the people I call my friends. I feel like I have the BEST friends in the world and each and every one of them adds something positive in my life and just because I can’t name what exactly it is about these people that make me happy, put them on a list, and add them up so they can make sense to someone else who wants to analyze them it doesn’t mean that my relationships are unproductive or bad, it just means the are different, SPECIAL! and im damn proud of that fact.
Honestly I kinda feel insulted that someone would think I could even put a relationship on a piece of paper. How do I fit all the laughs and tears on a 8X11 sheets of paper? How do I even begin to explain how lucky I am to have the people I have. You guys are my everything, and no one else will ever fully under why I love you guys. I can write as many blogs, poems, and songs as I want but at the end of the day there still isn’t a word that explain what I feel. Basically what I’m trying to say is I’m gonna be there for Caitlin and the rest of you guys until yall make me leave, and if/when that days comes I will be a mess but at least then I know that its happening because that is what you actually want/needs and its not happening because I THINK that is what you want/needs and definitely not because someone with a calculator said the equation was off balanced. Fuck math and calculators and list and therapist. That shit doenst mean anything, YOU GUYS ARE THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS!!
*On a side note I just want to make sure you all know how proud I am of our group of friends. I love the fact that I can trust all of you guys and when someone is having a hard time everyone steps in to fix shit. You guys are amazing and im lucky to have you. Be safe and everyone don’t be busy dec 12th. I come home at 7pm. Lets go to the beach!!!!! And then again when Sommer comes home:P
this was definitely the most rewarding blog i've writing thus far!
LOVE ALWAYS, from california all the way to DC and Hawaii.
ps: next topic is on self esteem and self worth :P i think at least...
this a a rushed blog...
for someone i call a best friend.
sommerset,
im sorry
you have always be there for me, but i dont know how to be there for you right now. i'm scared that something bad might happen and im running round just trying to think of a solution, and nothing is coming to mind. but i do know this. I LOVE YOU, we all do. and if anything were to happen to you i would only be upset but i owuldnt EVER be able to forgive myself. please dont do anything that can't be undone. please be safe. please think, and please call one of us... we all love you and we are all here for you....
sommerset,
im sorry
you have always be there for me, but i dont know how to be there for you right now. i'm scared that something bad might happen and im running round just trying to think of a solution, and nothing is coming to mind. but i do know this. I LOVE YOU, we all do. and if anything were to happen to you i would only be upset but i owuldnt EVER be able to forgive myself. please dont do anything that can't be undone. please be safe. please think, and please call one of us... we all love you and we are all here for you....
4 sleepings pills and a pillow=going to bed
just a simple thought on my mind.....
the only worse than not being able to make someone happy is not being able to exist without making them miserable....
im selfish if i leave, and an ass hole if i stay...
what do i do???
"advice is what you ask for when you know the answer, but wish you didnt..."
is that the case here? it really shouldnt be that simple if you ask me...but idk
the only worse than not being able to make someone happy is not being able to exist without making them miserable....
im selfish if i leave, and an ass hole if i stay...
what do i do???
"advice is what you ask for when you know the answer, but wish you didnt..."
is that the case here? it really shouldnt be that simple if you ask me...but idk
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
a dedication to caitlin...if you dont read and comment, i'll cry...
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly"
so little background i guess before we begin. First of all i'm really stoned right now so dont take anything too seriously, except for everything. because stoned words are sober thoughts. understood? good. So i'm gonna take you back to may 31st. at about noon. Where was i? at barnes and nobel at kahala mall searching frantically for a gift for caitlins graduation...why? well because i thought that was what i was supposed to do for my girflfriend and i was so busy that was the only time i had to go shopping. i also kinda had to borrow money from my 12 year old sister so that i could buy the present and afford the gas to get to kaneohe that night. but anyways back to may 31st. i was at barnes and nobel and i found what i thought would be the perfect gift. a blue book, just waiting to be deflowered by a genius poet. this is the book:
in case you are blind it says "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." so i bought the book wrote this heartfelt letter in it about how i thought caitlin should open up to me, the book and the world and just let her amazing-ness shine. and yeah, to my knowledge the book is still pretty empty, but thats okay. growth and change take time. but yeah thats not really what i wanted to talk about, this is just my reasoning for why this blog is dedicated to caitlin even though from here on im gonna be talking more about myself and less about her. i just wanted to used the above space to remind you that, i remember EVERYTHING. i remember where i parked that day at kahala mall, what i wrote, what i wore, where i sat at your graduation...its almost crazy...i kinda remember every second i've ever spent with you. i guess you'd be surprised how much i wouldnt be able to forget even if i wanted to. so i'm just hoping at the end of the day before you dream and think how happy you are i hope that you remember. Remember me. and that some of us, we know you better than anyone and understand you more than anyone and we've seen you at highs and lows and we are still here, so dont forget! i was there before and i'll be there after. even if after is after forever, i'll still be there. cuz i promised. so all you need to do is Never Forget whatever it is you've kept!--okay done with the corny stuff to the best friend (BTW, im not high anymore i wrote this paragraph sober)
so back to the quote, i'm gonna paste it in again cuz i like it: "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." So unless like last night you were living under a rock for like the past couple weeks or really the last 5 months you would know i've been having a not so easy time with life. we all went through a big change last spring and it seems as if we instantaneously had to grow up and be big kids. Heartbreak was no longer held together with sugar water paste, this is big kid love with big kid things at stake. Its funny, you'd think with age your senses would dull but it seems to me things that you used to let go start to sting a lot harder with age. maybe i just let people in deeper than before? idk. regardless whose to say being guard less is a bad thing???
you hear me talk about balance a lot. because i believe that emotional balance is what holds you together. without it what else do you have? If you build a wall and never let anyone within 5 feet of it then yeah you wont let anyone break you, but you also wont let anyone love you. if you are like me and give yourself without checking the ground first you are helping others grow and learn but making yourself vulnerable and in that case easily broken. so where is the balance? do you just jump and hope for the best? i've spent the last 3 and a half years picking my self off the ground after two "heart breaks" and both times i went all in too early. so what is just bad luck and bad timing or will this ALWAYS happen if i don't at least build a picket fence??? idk. but what i do know is this:
even though i honestly thought i was done with life this past month. even though i've gone to sleep wishing to never wake up and waking up wishing to never dream i know THIS, this pain is here to teach me. this darkness is supposed to tell me something...but what??? idk, dont ask me i dont have all the answers. i wish i did but i dont. i'm just hopeful and faithful and really that is all you can be.
i'm trying to live up to everyone's expectations and its really hard. for my parents i'm trying to do well in school. its funny doing good in highschool was never about them..im not really sure what that was about but it wasn't for them then, but now, now i want to be great and make money so i can pay them back for everything...
i'm trying to be a good friend to caitlin. i'm trying really hard and yet i've found myself grow into this inconsiderate asshole who just says stuff to get back at her when all she has done is try to be happy. I cannot hold that against her...ITS HUMAN NATURE to want to be happy. and even if im jealous sometimes of either him for having her or just her for not being lonely when im still lonely i can still work hard to be happy for her, because if anyone deserves it, its caitlin...trust me guys....i wish you all knew her the way i do, she deserves not only the moon and the sun..but the universe and i just wish i could give it to her. and i can read your mind, you think i deserve the best too..right??? well i'm okay, im not happy but im okay with where i am now cuz i had the best and even if it were only a short time it was okay cuz i had it, and i understand... everyone deserves to have a little big of the best, so right now its someone else's turn and so i should just recognized how blessed i was to ever had experience her and move on. i just need to open my eyes to allow something else to prove worth, i was just spoiled that last time, it was just so clear form the get go.....
okay so i've decided this blog topic was a bad idea..just because it wont allow me to write with purpose, this blog was supposed to be about me. but we all know once i start talking about something awesome i just cant stop. what sucks the writing isnt concise enough that i can even keep going. and i dont know where im leading up to. so i'm just gonna stop writing. sorry. but know that i love you all and i really like this quote but now i just feel since i couldnt finish it i just wrote a whole blog about caitlin and im not quite sure why...so i'm gonna go think about why i did this and take a few sleeping pills and go to bed. sorry for the disappointment guys.....i'll do better tomorrow....
so little background i guess before we begin. First of all i'm really stoned right now so dont take anything too seriously, except for everything. because stoned words are sober thoughts. understood? good. So i'm gonna take you back to may 31st. at about noon. Where was i? at barnes and nobel at kahala mall searching frantically for a gift for caitlins graduation...why? well because i thought that was what i was supposed to do for my girflfriend and i was so busy that was the only time i had to go shopping. i also kinda had to borrow money from my 12 year old sister so that i could buy the present and afford the gas to get to kaneohe that night. but anyways back to may 31st. i was at barnes and nobel and i found what i thought would be the perfect gift. a blue book, just waiting to be deflowered by a genius poet. this is the book:
in case you are blind it says "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." so i bought the book wrote this heartfelt letter in it about how i thought caitlin should open up to me, the book and the world and just let her amazing-ness shine. and yeah, to my knowledge the book is still pretty empty, but thats okay. growth and change take time. but yeah thats not really what i wanted to talk about, this is just my reasoning for why this blog is dedicated to caitlin even though from here on im gonna be talking more about myself and less about her. i just wanted to used the above space to remind you that, i remember EVERYTHING. i remember where i parked that day at kahala mall, what i wrote, what i wore, where i sat at your graduation...its almost crazy...i kinda remember every second i've ever spent with you. i guess you'd be surprised how much i wouldnt be able to forget even if i wanted to. so i'm just hoping at the end of the day before you dream and think how happy you are i hope that you remember. Remember me. and that some of us, we know you better than anyone and understand you more than anyone and we've seen you at highs and lows and we are still here, so dont forget! i was there before and i'll be there after. even if after is after forever, i'll still be there. cuz i promised. so all you need to do is Never Forget whatever it is you've kept!--okay done with the corny stuff to the best friend (BTW, im not high anymore i wrote this paragraph sober)so back to the quote, i'm gonna paste it in again cuz i like it: "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." So unless like last night you were living under a rock for like the past couple weeks or really the last 5 months you would know i've been having a not so easy time with life. we all went through a big change last spring and it seems as if we instantaneously had to grow up and be big kids. Heartbreak was no longer held together with sugar water paste, this is big kid love with big kid things at stake. Its funny, you'd think with age your senses would dull but it seems to me things that you used to let go start to sting a lot harder with age. maybe i just let people in deeper than before? idk. regardless whose to say being guard less is a bad thing???
you hear me talk about balance a lot. because i believe that emotional balance is what holds you together. without it what else do you have? If you build a wall and never let anyone within 5 feet of it then yeah you wont let anyone break you, but you also wont let anyone love you. if you are like me and give yourself without checking the ground first you are helping others grow and learn but making yourself vulnerable and in that case easily broken. so where is the balance? do you just jump and hope for the best? i've spent the last 3 and a half years picking my self off the ground after two "heart breaks" and both times i went all in too early. so what is just bad luck and bad timing or will this ALWAYS happen if i don't at least build a picket fence??? idk. but what i do know is this:
even though i honestly thought i was done with life this past month. even though i've gone to sleep wishing to never wake up and waking up wishing to never dream i know THIS, this pain is here to teach me. this darkness is supposed to tell me something...but what??? idk, dont ask me i dont have all the answers. i wish i did but i dont. i'm just hopeful and faithful and really that is all you can be.
i'm trying to live up to everyone's expectations and its really hard. for my parents i'm trying to do well in school. its funny doing good in highschool was never about them..im not really sure what that was about but it wasn't for them then, but now, now i want to be great and make money so i can pay them back for everything...
i'm trying to be a good friend to caitlin. i'm trying really hard and yet i've found myself grow into this inconsiderate asshole who just says stuff to get back at her when all she has done is try to be happy. I cannot hold that against her...ITS HUMAN NATURE to want to be happy. and even if im jealous sometimes of either him for having her or just her for not being lonely when im still lonely i can still work hard to be happy for her, because if anyone deserves it, its caitlin...trust me guys....i wish you all knew her the way i do, she deserves not only the moon and the sun..but the universe and i just wish i could give it to her. and i can read your mind, you think i deserve the best too..right??? well i'm okay, im not happy but im okay with where i am now cuz i had the best and even if it were only a short time it was okay cuz i had it, and i understand... everyone deserves to have a little big of the best, so right now its someone else's turn and so i should just recognized how blessed i was to ever had experience her and move on. i just need to open my eyes to allow something else to prove worth, i was just spoiled that last time, it was just so clear form the get go.....
okay so i've decided this blog topic was a bad idea..just because it wont allow me to write with purpose, this blog was supposed to be about me. but we all know once i start talking about something awesome i just cant stop. what sucks the writing isnt concise enough that i can even keep going. and i dont know where im leading up to. so i'm just gonna stop writing. sorry. but know that i love you all and i really like this quote but now i just feel since i couldnt finish it i just wrote a whole blog about caitlin and im not quite sure why...so i'm gonna go think about why i did this and take a few sleeping pills and go to bed. sorry for the disappointment guys.....i'll do better tomorrow....
WARNING: LONG POST AHEAD!!! ELECTION and of course LIFE to follow
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^^^^new song, with a drum track. EJNOY
So this is going to be long.. im gonna split it up into sections so you can read what you want.
the first being ....
ou that i love VERY SOON
THE ELECTION:
So In case you were living under a rock last night and didnt know, OBAMA won the election by more than double. with that said a lot of people are happy but at the same time were have a lot of skeptics, and who is to say that they dont have the right to be skeptical but lets really look at these issues.
the first being for more liberal hawaiians is the
AKAKA BILL, which Obama supports.
Okay so the akaka bill seeks to establish a process for Native Hawaiians to gain federal recognition similar to the recognition that some Native American tribes currently possess. In may peoples eyes a step backwards from Independence and would further complicate our chances of ever being independent. Lets make this clear. I DO NOT SUPPORT THE AKAKA BILL. However, if it were to be passed i would pressure my father and myself to be active in its proceedings. to me the fact that so many hawaiian's are soo against it is the same reason why it would be so harmful. the akaka bill sets up a sort of coucil which COULD be made up by hawaiians but all the smart hawaiians are against the akaka bill and therefore wont run, thus giving all the power to people who dont have the best in mind for us. but here is what i have to say to people who voted against obama just becasue of the AKAKA BILL. I honestly think you are an indiot, if this is your only reason. The akaka bill would still have gotten passed if Mccain was elected even though he doesnt not support it. TRUST ME. and this next one is a shocker, especially coming form me, but THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS THAN HAWAII RIGHT NOW. there are bigger issues that we need to focus on and should vote accrodingly. Which brings me to my next point.
GAY MARRIAGE:
obama went back and forth on this one. First against and then decided for gay marriage. Honestly i dont give a crap. Yes i believe in equal rights. i believe you should be able to marry, live with and adobt with WHOEVER YOU WANT. but again at the same time i think there are more important things at this point to worry about. How about the war, or economy or the ice caps!!! to those of you who didnt want obama because of his late support of gay marriage DONT WORRY. prop eight is getting passed make making gay marriage illegal in califorina, florida and arizona. thanks to a whole bunch of mormons in UTAH people in cali, arizona, and florida can't marry the ones the love. its stupid if you ask me but hey im just a college student, i dont know shit. but really im all for political diversity, i believe it Forsters intellectual growth. however, when someone else beliefs starts to hinder my ability to live the way in which i choose or need then thats when it crosses the line. i never said you couldnt get married or that you couldnt get an abortion, so dont tell me i can't either!!!! its really none of the governments business. its funny people want the government's hands off their business but they dont mind if the government is all over our bodies!!!.
ABORTION:
seems to clearly be the next subject. okay. firts lets start in clearing this bullshit up. there is a difference between being pro choice and pro abortion!
its about the right to choose what to do with your body. Honestly, i cannot see myself ever having an abortion but at the same time i cannot see myself being rapped. pro choice is about being given a safe alternative to giving birth to a child who could potentially be put in a fucked up situation. people like to talk about adoption and all the wonderful families there are just waiting for kids. but i've seen the system, i've navigated it and even from the "success story" side the system looks pretty fucked up to me. basically i think if someone is going to have an abortion it should be legal so it can be safe and sanitary. i think you should be able to choose and then you have to live with your decision, but its not mine to make for you.
and im not really gonna go into the rest because honestly i have about as much foreign policy experience as sara palin, i dont know about the war on iraq but i do know people are dying and they shouldn't be. I dont know about the economy but i do know that my father who works two jobs and my mother who works one can't afford to buy a house in a state they've lived and worked for for over 40 years and that is also fucked up. I DONT KNOW how anyone could fix our economy right now but i do know that handing out 12 billion dollars in bailouts to companies will not fix it. i do know that lowering high end tax will not fix it and i do believe obama will do everything he can so that the working class and bellow will actually be able to breathe every once in a while. i know you LOVE your money soo much but really those of you up top have enough so stop whining.
AND NOW
LIFE
So i had this stupid idea that by adding my ex's new boyfriend i would be proving to her and myself that i was happy for her. but if anything its just pissed me off. i'd prob be a lot happier for her if i wern't his myspace friend and i didnt have to read his status and bulitins. and granted i dont HAVE to read his bullitins that he posts about how he wants to be with caitlin for ever but that is just something i put myself through becasue im a stupid masochistic idiot. well you all already knew that one. but yeah i feel bad cuz i can't just delete him cuz when i added him i sent him a msg saying that i was ok with him cuz caitlin was happy and i dont want to be a dick and fuck shit up with my best friend. oh well ill just stay off myspace or something or idk. ;aslkdfjl;kasdjfl;asdjkf;klj and stop beineg so dumb. my quote for today is
"love is the answer but while you are waiting, sexs brings up a whole lot of interesting questions"
SEX....its only 3 letters i dont understand what is so exotic about it. but people seem to praise it and talk about how good it makes people feel. I wouldn't know,im a virgin and frankly if anything i feel like sex has hurt me more than its made me feel good. I mean i place the blame of my breakup with bothsteven and randy on our inability to be "intimate" i guess. i dont know it was mostly my inability i guess. whatever. OVER IT...THE WHOLE WORLD has lost their virginity and here i am Ms. marry justwalking along and i feel like an 8th grader complaining that everyone is doing something that im not.. but really, its pretty irritating. i think i'll just go out and have sex like my roommate did. it seemed to work for her at least. idk. fuck sex. really FUCK IT.
ok i think that's it for now.
i miss my family a lot, which is wierd but not weird at the same time. my sister called me and told me that my mom was danicng around and crying when obama won and as embarrassing as my mother sounds i wish i could have been there. honestly i rather way i was watching my mother make a ool of herself when i found out obama won then staring at my computer in a dorm room. but whatever. I miss my sisters A LOT. i feel guilty for leaving when halia is just becoming a teenager and for missing out on watching lehua really grow up. that along with my niece petra who definately wont recognize me. i just wish i could be home for them, but mostly for me.
and then there are my friends.
man i fucking misss you guys.
you guys were alwasy there for me, you loved me through all the crap and helped me lived through some shitty times that i thought i wouldnt have been able to get through. i mena ashley you saw me through 2 heartbreaks and your still by my side. its crazy. and i mena then there is caitlin and sommer who like babied me all summer when i was sick and took care of me, i wish i could see you guys. i miss naihe becasue no one here will play ukulele while i play guitar and i miss aja cuz you are the only person i know who will sit with me for 3 hours trying to make a fire and not bitch at me! i want to come home, but i can't i need to stay here mostly becasue coming home right now would porb not be what i want or exspect and leave me even more miserable then i am here. but i look forward to better days and seeing all of y
so thats all for today. i'll write again tomorrow, DEFINiTELY NOT AS LONG..I PROMISE
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
so i've been reading this book a lot lately...
Its called Love 101. its actually not my book i kinda stole it from caitlin, who stole it from some library in keaau. BTW CAITLIN, IT WAS DUE BACK ALMOST THREE YEARS AGO :P
anyways back to the point. Someone once told me "there's a difference between a physical attraction combined with love and respect you have for a friend and being in love with someone" (rough paraphrase) and i didnt get it. i didnt understand how you could love someone and be physically attracted to them and at the same time not want anything to do with them romantically. To me love+physical= romantic! but not to the rest of the world. or at least not to the one person who actually matters. Anyways, this blog is not about making caitlin feel bad. I LOVE caitlin, and im happy for her. yeah. um. anyways, not about caitlin....what is this blog about then???? oh yeah. the book!
ok. so i stole the book after i was told that stuff about romantic love hoping that maybe this book would teach me something, and caitlin warned me that it prob wouldnt but hey! they are some cool quotes that sometimes make you feel good about yourself and other times make you feel like a complete ass hole or loser. I guess its all about balance right? yeah so back to the point. THE BOOK
this is the prelude:
What if you were about to meet your perfect lover?
what if you knew this lover better than anyone else?
What if you liked the same food, loved the same movies, listened to the same music, rooted for the same teams, enjoyed the same friends, were fascinated by the same books, had the same spiritual beliefs, cared about the same causes, and shared the same goals?
What if you absolutely knew you two could live together comfortably?
What if your lover always had your best interest at heart?
what if you were brought before a large door and told that, behind that door, was the love of your life?
you straighten your hair, pop a cert (tic tac for our generation) take a deep breath, open the door...(page turn)...and find yourself face to face...(page turn)...with a mirror.
i just kinda stumbled across the prelude today i never gave it any attention before like most preludes, i just skip to the juicy stuff. but i found this one quite insightful. we must be able to love and live with ourselves. because in the end that is all we really have. i'll be the first to say that i have THE BEST friends in the world, without a doubt. In the past they have all proven that they would do ANYTHING for me even when i dont deserve it and they all know i'd do anything for them. but in the end. its just me, in the end of it all i have to be able to sleep with myself, not with my friends :( hahaha. sorry. anyways. i'm never going to put myself first but i need to stop putting myself last. and thats the same for you! sommerset. you need to move yourself up the latter :) i know you can. i know its different and this is a BAD example, but if i can be happy for caitlin (which i am!!!) then you need to be happy for yourself. you need to be better for yourself ! because YOU deserve so much better and i dont EVER want to hear you say differently!!!!
i love you all and miss you guys dearly. i cant wait to come home.
oh and in case anyone else really cares here's how the election is going right now:
in INDIANA Which is supposed to go republican, cuz they are losers!!! obama is down 3% with about 50% of the vote accounted for. VIRGINIA he's down about 9% with about 50% accounted for. FLORIDA obama is UP 4% with about 40% of the voted counted. GEORGIA obama is down by ALOT but thats okay Georgia sucks anyways. NORTH CAROLINA obama is UP 10% with 10% of the votes counted.
and overall with electoral votes Obama is up 103 to McCain 58. you need 270 to win and i'm confident. everyone pray of start buying one way tickets to newzealand :)
btw if anyone has Lindsey's email can you send it to me i want to add her to the list of people who can see this, i dont want to leave anyone out. :)
anyways back to the point. Someone once told me "there's a difference between a physical attraction combined with love and respect you have for a friend and being in love with someone" (rough paraphrase) and i didnt get it. i didnt understand how you could love someone and be physically attracted to them and at the same time not want anything to do with them romantically. To me love+physical= romantic! but not to the rest of the world. or at least not to the one person who actually matters. Anyways, this blog is not about making caitlin feel bad. I LOVE caitlin, and im happy for her. yeah. um. anyways, not about caitlin....what is this blog about then???? oh yeah. the book!
ok. so i stole the book after i was told that stuff about romantic love hoping that maybe this book would teach me something, and caitlin warned me that it prob wouldnt but hey! they are some cool quotes that sometimes make you feel good about yourself and other times make you feel like a complete ass hole or loser. I guess its all about balance right? yeah so back to the point. THE BOOK
this is the prelude:
What if you were about to meet your perfect lover?
what if you knew this lover better than anyone else?
What if you liked the same food, loved the same movies, listened to the same music, rooted for the same teams, enjoyed the same friends, were fascinated by the same books, had the same spiritual beliefs, cared about the same causes, and shared the same goals?
What if you absolutely knew you two could live together comfortably?
What if your lover always had your best interest at heart?
what if you were brought before a large door and told that, behind that door, was the love of your life?
you straighten your hair, pop a cert (tic tac for our generation) take a deep breath, open the door...(page turn)...and find yourself face to face...(page turn)...with a mirror.
i just kinda stumbled across the prelude today i never gave it any attention before like most preludes, i just skip to the juicy stuff. but i found this one quite insightful. we must be able to love and live with ourselves. because in the end that is all we really have. i'll be the first to say that i have THE BEST friends in the world, without a doubt. In the past they have all proven that they would do ANYTHING for me even when i dont deserve it and they all know i'd do anything for them. but in the end. its just me, in the end of it all i have to be able to sleep with myself, not with my friends :( hahaha. sorry. anyways. i'm never going to put myself first but i need to stop putting myself last. and thats the same for you! sommerset. you need to move yourself up the latter :) i know you can. i know its different and this is a BAD example, but if i can be happy for caitlin (which i am!!!) then you need to be happy for yourself. you need to be better for yourself ! because YOU deserve so much better and i dont EVER want to hear you say differently!!!!
i love you all and miss you guys dearly. i cant wait to come home.
oh and in case anyone else really cares here's how the election is going right now:
in INDIANA Which is supposed to go republican, cuz they are losers!!! obama is down 3% with about 50% of the vote accounted for. VIRGINIA he's down about 9% with about 50% accounted for. FLORIDA obama is UP 4% with about 40% of the voted counted. GEORGIA obama is down by ALOT but thats okay Georgia sucks anyways. NORTH CAROLINA obama is UP 10% with 10% of the votes counted.
and overall with electoral votes Obama is up 103 to McCain 58. you need 270 to win and i'm confident. everyone pray of start buying one way tickets to newzealand :)
btw if anyone has Lindsey's email can you send it to me i want to add her to the list of people who can see this, i dont want to leave anyone out. :)
sommer wanted me to blog again...
So here goes nothing. I'm gonna try not to post all my enlightening idea's on myspace anymore. I';m actually trying to not post anything. It seems as if my post there are interfering too much in some people lives and i feel bad. I welcome ANYONE. i'm going to be honest, no more bullshitting like in the other blog.hahah. This blog is about life, about honestly... its about a whole lot of things and in writing i hope to heal. if you find some sort of pleasure in reading then i encourage you to read my post. but realize NOTHING in this blog is meant to hurt anyone or to have them feel bad. i dont know how much time i will have to blog but ill try my best to keep this updated with the event of my life, almost starker-like.
realization for the day....
i'm really good at procrastinating, and California has SHITTTY fruit. but okay cheese
BE strong!
btw. feel free to comment, or not. but if you are reading i'd like to be aware of it at least....
realization for the day....
i'm really good at procrastinating, and California has SHITTTY fruit. but okay cheese
BE strong!
btw. feel free to comment, or not. but if you are reading i'd like to be aware of it at least....
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