You are my sweetest downfall and i will not regret.

"If you were arrested for being kind to yourself.. would there be enough evidence to convict you?"

I have been told on many occasions, by someone i have for quite sometime considered to be my best friend, that i am "too hard on myself." In essence, in her opinion, i Expect too much of myself. But if i don't expect anything will i ever amount to anything more than i expect? to what level of excellence am i expected to hold myself to in order to be a good person? a better question is, can i be a good person if i am decent to those around me but only a monster to myself?

ahhhhhh. too many questions. Imagine if i had the answers, i assume that would be a lot more boring than having all the questions.

I think in a way she is right. i question myself, a lot. At some point i suppose questioning becomes suspicion which then becomes misunderstanding and as people we dislike and mistreat what we do not understand. Therefore, Transitively through questioning my existence I suppose I am hating and mistreating myself. But without someone who loves me enough to care to stop me how would I begin to end this trend. I guess you could say by pointing out my bad habits that could show as someone loving me enough to bring it to my attention but not once has she tried to stop me. Maybe I’m too hard on my best friends as well. Maybe I expect too much of the people I perceive to be the best in the world. And they are the best, If they weren’t the best I wouldn’t surround myself with them, its as simple as economics. Ahhh… I love economics. Anyways, this blog doesn’t really have a solution its purpose is only to pose a problem. That is the first step of course. Everyone says the first step to healing is admitting you have a problem right? So at least im on my way.



I decided to drop a class not really to be easier on myself but because as much as I dislike myself suicide isn’t really that appealing, at least not today, maybe tomorrow... I dropped one of my philosophy classes that was 3 units and then added another one unit course so im back up to taking 17 academic units and working about 24 hours a week. I have also been covering for a lot of other people at work as to occupy myself. I have found my work to be getting ahead of me while homesickness is catching up. it makes me sad. However, to be honest its not so much of homesickness as it is the missing of the past.

As far as I know I have fallen off the earth to one of the people I love the most. But there is not much I can do to control that. My pride is stronger than I thought, I can’t bring myself to dial 10 digits or send a text msg. So although the phone works both ways I have gotten to the point where dialing hurts too much to even consider it an option. The action alone proves to me what I’ve always feared, there are some people in your life that you will love and care for far more than they love and care for you. never the less no matter their actions you continue to love and care. They call... you answer, they cry...you come running and hope for the same in return; sometimes i guess it just doesn't work both ways...not everything in live works like a phone, hearts beineg one of the exceptions. To love a heart and care for it never promises that is will learn or want to do the same. i guess all you can hope for is that the hearts learns to want to do the same to someone willing to return to them. I suppose its selfish to expect anything more. And selfish to be so hard on those I love. I am sorry for more reasons than I can word. and still...

“...I want to run…but only far enough that you will miss me”

Unfortunately that means I must miss you all the while as I’m running. Its cold here and I miss you and I think that I need space from comfort; I just don’t know how to take it…

"You are my sweetest downfall and i will not regret...i will not regret...i loved you first...I loved you first. "



PS:
I’ve decided to end all my blogs now with something I want, may it be from the world but most often from myself or my life.

I WANT:
To embrace change actively.