a dedication to caitlin...if you dont read and comment, i'll cry...

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly"

so little background i guess before we begin. First of all i'm really stoned right now so dont take anything too seriously, except for everything. because stoned words are sober thoughts. understood? good. So i'm gonna take you back to may 31st. at about noon. Where was i? at barnes and nobel at kahala mall searching frantically for a gift for caitlins graduation...why? well because i thought that was what i was supposed to do for my girflfriend and i was so busy that was the only time i had to go shopping. i also kinda had to borrow money from my 12 year old sister so that i could buy the present and afford the gas to get to kaneohe that night. but anyways back to may 31st. i was at barnes and nobel and i found what i thought would be the perfect gift. a blue book, just waiting to be deflowered by a genius poet. this is the book:
in case you are blind it says "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." so i bought the book wrote this heartfelt letter in it about how i thought caitlin should open up to me, the book and the world and just let her amazing-ness shine. and yeah, to my knowledge the book is still pretty empty, but thats okay. growth and change take time. but yeah thats not really what i wanted to talk about, this is just my reasoning for why this blog is dedicated to caitlin even though from here on im gonna be talking more about myself and less about her. i just wanted to used the above space to remind you that, i remember EVERYTHING. i remember where i parked that day at kahala mall, what i wrote, what i wore, where i sat at your graduation...its almost crazy...i kinda remember every second i've ever spent with you. i guess you'd be surprised how much i wouldnt be able to forget even if i wanted to. so i'm just hoping at the end of the day before you dream and think how happy you are i hope that you remember. Remember me. and that some of us, we know you better than anyone and understand you more than anyone and we've seen you at highs and lows and we are still here, so dont forget! i was there before and i'll be there after. even if after is after forever, i'll still be there. cuz i promised. so all you need to do is Never Forget whatever it is you've kept!--okay done with the corny stuff to the best friend (BTW, im not high anymore i wrote this paragraph sober)

so back to the quote, i'm gonna paste it in again cuz i like it: "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." So unless like last night you were living under a rock for like the past couple weeks or really the last 5 months you would know i've been having a not so easy time with life. we all went through a big change last spring and it seems as if we instantaneously had to grow up and be big kids. Heartbreak was no longer held together with sugar water paste, this is big kid love with big kid things at stake. Its funny, you'd think with age your senses would dull but it seems to me things that you used to let go start to sting a lot harder with age. maybe i just let people in deeper than before? idk. regardless whose to say being guard less is a bad thing???

you hear me talk about balance a lot. because i believe that emotional balance is what holds you together. without it what else do you have? If you build a wall and never let anyone within 5 feet of it then yeah you wont let anyone break you, but you also wont let anyone love you. if you are like me and give yourself without checking the ground first you are helping others grow and learn but making yourself vulnerable and in that case easily broken. so where is the balance? do you just jump and hope for the best? i've spent the last 3 and a half years picking my self off the ground after two "heart breaks" and both times i went all in too early. so what is just bad luck and bad timing or will this ALWAYS happen if i don't at least build a picket fence??? idk. but what i do know is this:

even though i honestly thought i was done with life this past month. even though i've gone to sleep wishing to never wake up and waking up wishing to never dream i know THIS, this pain is here to teach me. this darkness is supposed to tell me something...but what??? idk, dont ask me i dont have all the answers. i wish i did but i dont. i'm just hopeful and faithful and really that is all you can be.

i'm trying to live up to everyone's expectations and its really hard. for my parents i'm trying to do well in school. its funny doing good in highschool was never about them..im not really sure what that was about but it wasn't for them then, but now, now i want to be great and make money so i can pay them back for everything...
i'm trying to be a good friend to caitlin. i'm trying really hard and yet i've found myself grow into this inconsiderate asshole who just says stuff to get back at her when all she has done is try to be happy. I cannot hold that against her...ITS HUMAN NATURE to want to be happy. and even if im jealous sometimes of either him for having her or just her for not being lonely when im still lonely i can still work hard to be happy for her, because if anyone deserves it, its caitlin...trust me guys....i wish you all knew her the way i do, she deserves not only the moon and the sun..but the universe and i just wish i could give it to her. and i can read your mind, you think i deserve the best too..right??? well i'm okay, im not happy but im okay with where i am now cuz i had the best and even if it were only a short time it was okay cuz i had it, and i understand... everyone deserves to have a little big of the best, so right now its someone else's turn and so i should just recognized how blessed i was to ever had experience her and move on. i just need to open my eyes to allow something else to prove worth, i was just spoiled that last time, it was just so clear form the get go.....

okay so i've decided this blog topic was a bad idea..just because it wont allow me to write with purpose, this blog was supposed to be about me. but we all know once i start talking about something awesome i just cant stop. what sucks the writing isnt concise enough that i can even keep going. and i dont know where im leading up to. so i'm just gonna stop writing. sorry. but know that i love you all and i really like this quote but now i just feel since i couldnt finish it i just wrote a whole blog about caitlin and im not quite sure why...so i'm gonna go think about why i did this and take a few sleeping pills and go to bed. sorry for the disappointment guys.....i'll do better tomorrow....