for everything that doenst fit on a list...

and everything that wont fit in a single conversation, i wrote you all this. (there are pictures in this blog that are imperative for the understanding of what i wrote, so if you are reading this in your email, click on the link and actually go to my blogspot, i promise you will not be disappointed)
Hold your horses, Let me explain. I’ve been seeing a therapist lately about a lot of things but mostly about my relationships (friends, family, Caitlin). Yes Caitlin you get your own category. :P don’t be sad. But this is what my therapist said to do. “it sounds to me like Caitlin is trying to walk away, so you need to decide if it worth it for you to keep trying” granted my therapist only knows my side of the story. So basically she told me I have to make a list of pros/cons for my relationship with Caitlin I guess to evaluate what to do next. And im not gonna lie, I FREAKED OUT. Mostly because I didn’t want to write up a list and then have it say something that I didn’t want. And because I can tell that this woman doesn’t understand why I’m still trying I’d put money on my therapist wanting me to walk away, but what the fuck does she know. lol.

So anyways, I sat in front of a piece of paper and literally just stared at it not knowing what to write. So I started with I love her as a pro, then it moved over to the cons. Haha. Then I wrote it gives me someone to talk to and that also moved around on the pros and con list and then I realized “fuck therapist!” I really did try to make the list, but I decided I would make it on my mirror so I would have to look at it constantly, basically so I wouldn’t be able to get away from it. But even after starting th list on my mirror I found I really didn’t know what to write down and even if I thought of something I didn’t know how I could possible classify it. So in the end I was left with what you see in the picture. Because when you think about it, Its not about single things that add up to pros by being caitlin’s friend and single things that add up to be cons. Friendships can’t be added, subtracted and definitely not divided. This isn’t math, there are hearts, histories and feelings involved. Way to many variables for me to be accounting for, keep in mind that I almost failed trig :P I suck at math, but im good with friends i know who i love and who loves me. I know that my relationship with caitlin is sticky and dynamic and is not about a list, It’s about what has been produced from the love I have for her, and in my opinion in the end its only been positive.

You can say and believe whatever you want, but I know have grown because of this relationship. I have been in amazingly rewarding situations and painful situations but in the end I’ve always been okay. Some people who wanted to protect me warmed me before I started to be friends with Caitlin, but I wanted this and still do. I love Caitlin and because of that I am happy that she is happy. And even though I am not happy with where my entire life is at right now I know I can still be happy for her and proud of her. Regardless of how I feel about myself I am very comfortable and happy with the people I call my friends. I feel like I have the BEST friends in the world and each and every one of them adds something positive in my life and just because I can’t name what exactly it is about these people that make me happy, put them on a list, and add them up so they can make sense to someone else who wants to analyze them it doesn’t mean that my relationships are unproductive or bad, it just means the are different, SPECIAL! and im damn proud of that fact.

Honestly I kinda feel insulted that someone would think I could even put a relationship on a piece of paper. How do I fit all the laughs and tears on a 8X11 sheets of paper? How do I even begin to explain how lucky I am to have the people I have. You guys are my everything, and no one else will ever fully under why I love you guys. I can write as many blogs, poems, and songs as I want but at the end of the day there still isn’t a word that explain what I feel. Basically what I’m trying to say is I’m gonna be there for Caitlin and the rest of you guys until yall make me leave, and if/when that days comes I will be a mess but at least then I know that its happening because that is what you actually want/needs and its not happening because I THINK that is what you want/needs and definitely not because someone with a calculator said the equation was off balanced. Fuck math and calculators and list and therapist. That shit doenst mean anything, YOU GUYS ARE THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS!!

^^^^this is why i can't make a list.. how could i possibly put all these memories on a list??? who the fuck does this lady think she is??? she obviously doenst know you guys, well thats her loss!!!

*On a side note I just want to make sure you all know how proud I am of our group of friends. I love the fact that I can trust all of you guys and when someone is having a hard time everyone steps in to fix shit. You guys are amazing and im lucky to have you. Be safe and everyone don’t be busy dec 12th. I come home at 7pm. Lets go to the beach!!!!! And then again when Sommer comes home:P

this was definitely the most rewarding blog i've writing thus far!
LOVE ALWAYS, from california all the way to DC and Hawaii.
ps: next topic is on self esteem and self worth :P i think at least...