fake

FEDERICO GARCÍA LORCA once said, "Most human beings use their public life like a visiting card. They show it to others and say, This is me. The others take the card and think to themselves, If you say so. But most human beings have another life too, a gray one, lurking in the darkness, torturing us, a life we try to hide like an ugly sin."

I've been doing a LOT of hiding lately, Honestly i've been more of a lie than anything. But at the same time i've been learning a lot about how easily i can trick myself into thinking that i'm okay. but anyways this isnt supposed to be a pity party i just wanted to apologize to all of you guys for beineg fake and let you know whats going on.

part of me is doing really good. I come home soon, my classes are almost finished and im in a good place with my parents. THings are moving smoothly.

the only thing that there is to complain about is im lonely. And its not only romantically lonely, i'm lonely in general. BEing in California is hard because everyone who is here that i love is just out of reach. i never get to see my brother, or my cousins so it makes it hard to be even in the same state as someone and still not get to see them. Life is such a tease sometimes. lol...

my bigest problem right now though is the time of year. THankgiving was alwasy my grandmothers holiday. That's when i got to see my whole family, and spend time with my hero. but ever since she pasted away thanksgiving has been different. My family has stopped going to hilo and i havent seen my whole family in once place since thanksgiving in 1998. no can help right? BUT IT SUCKS. And not a lot of people know this but the anniversary of my grandmothers death is the same day as Caitlin's birthday. In the past, i've spent the 29th mostly crying and sad and focusing on my grandmother and just kinda remembering her. And i know this sounds selfish but i dont know how to be happy on that day. what's hardest is that this will be the first thanksgiving where im not with my father. So since i met Caitlin i've kind of dreaded her birthday. and I KNOW thats a HORRIBLE thing to say, but its only becasue i dont wnat to ruine her birthday and i dont know how to be a good friend. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE A PERSON ON THAT DAY. needless to say i'm scared as fuck, im trying to to be selfish and hopefully i pull it off. but if i dont, im sorry. im a bitch, im a bad friend, im a whole lot of things i shouldn't be. but know that i love you regardless....


anywasy im done with the pity party, at least for know. I'm about to jump on a plane back to san fran to see my brother for the second time since i've been to california.eat lots of food and then back to school and then home in about 2 weeks. I'm excited and can't wait to see all my friends :) man i miss you guys.

PS: back to the qoute. Im done hiding, im trying to use this time to work on myself....be happier for me, stop focusing on other people. and i'm not gonna be putting myself "out there" again at least for a while. haha. maybe i should learn this time to protect myself more. Cuz this whole beineg open to knew opportunities and putting myself on the line is not working out. :)
love you guys
Jamaica